Why I Suck at Dating

 I've done a thing.

The 40 Year Old I met on the app I've seen twice. Kind of against my will. I wonder if I played it right, oh well.

I suck at dating because I immediately want to fast forward to the end. I'm like I chose you, okay let's plan our life together.

I got so tired of feeling this way -mind you it's only been since Thursday that I joined Hinge- I decided to up the ante.

I told the guy to get tested, and make me his girlfriend. After you know 5 days!

I don't care.

He made me do a bunch of stuff I wasn't ready to do and he said he likes bossy women. 

So in my mind to make the emotional struggle go away - I was literally losing my mind yesterday- either he'll say I'm his girlfriend (unlikely) or I get to unmatch (and protect myself from going crazy again).

I hate limbo and that is what dating is. I'm sure the 'will we or won't we' is exciting...at first. But I take it too far. 

I think I just want a fresh start.

So he didn't call or message me last night after exchanging just a few texts mid-day. I kept wanting to call him.  Or like summon him with my brain to call me - it did not work.

This morning I said, I talked to a bunch of random dudes last night because you didn't call me.

He says, I didn't know I was supposed to.  (Is this a trick? I remember saying to him before to message me in the morning, mid-day, and at night...so... I think I was pretty clear. Then when I get messages from the randos to the tune of "Good Morning, Beautiful."... I feel justified.)

I made some rookie mistakes when I look back at the text chain. I should've stood my ground and said we can meet up in 2022 when I've taken the vaccine. I'm waiting to see if the science catches up to the variants. 

Old Me would be like - what if he's the one. What if he's who I'm supposed to spend the rest of my life with. New Me will be able to move on without much regret because I know this life I'm living is not my destiny. And that's okay.

My goal with the apps last weekend

- Be Distracted

My goal with the 40 year old moving forward - 

- Not be alone over the holidays

Whoops.

I kind of forgot about that.

I was starting to get too worked up feeling ignored.

Dang it! I'm not really interested in getting to know anyone else. Not necessarily because I want to be with this person forever but because of the mental labor involved in meeting new people.

But I also was happy just being distracted on the apps. Ugh, things moved so fast with the 40 Year Old that I think I started to dream bigger.

Now, I'm rethinking my strategy.

Ahh man! Now that I've had a taste of human interaction, I don't really want to let it go to go back to being alone and crying on the weekends. I don't really want to get vaccinated right now though, either.

Well this took a turn. 

Well I came on here to say that basically I told him to make me his girlfriend or else. But now I'm rethinking that decision. And then I gave him my phone number. That was emotionally risky because that's just one more place to be rejected. But then Rational Brain was like you can pay the $9 for Google to give you a new phone number. That felt better.

It's like, basically he rejects me and I offer more ways to be rejected. Well maybe this time will be different, said the psycho.

So I guess, yes. I wanted to live in a gilded cage and had convinced myself that was enough because I was safe there. But after getting a taste of freedom, the cage feels too small. Too suffocating. I don't want to go back in - I might die in there ...oh right.

But who am I without my walls and rules. I don't recognize that girl. It took a lot of calluses and bruises and broken hearts to be okay with being solo. Can I overcome another devastating loss. 

Will this quest for more ever leave me? 

Who am I when I'm not wrapped up in my sadness and self-protective armor? I don't know that girl.