One Panic, One Flutter

 It's Monday morning. I think I have benefited from having more descriptive titles on my blog posts. We'll see though. 

So far this morning had some more of that shaved beef and rice for breakfast. Some leftover corn on the cob and some rebottled Tahitian Punch. I thought I had the genius idea of pouring the 2 liter into smaller bottles but I don't think it's kept its freshness as I'd hoped.

This morning I watched some more of Naked and Afraid Of Love. I liked how quickly the white men decided that the girls weren't for them and left. I feel like girls never give up that easily. We have been conditioned that for the most part relationship struggles are ours alone to bear. It's our burden to be desirable. 

I think what is carrying over from my binge-read of Captain Awkward is that NiceGirl nonsense. I remember seeing it in one of my killing shows -it was fiction but the killer was pretty much like girls would rather compromise their safety than not be "nice."

I think that's one of the struggles I have with playing the corporate game. You spend so much time being this inauthentic version of yourself that you don't know what's real anymore. At least that's been my experience.

I realize it's not everyone's. And now that the thrill of FIRE is over and there's not much else to say about my personal finance, and the fact that no one in my social circle really gets it, it does just make you wonder. 

Don't get me wrong, I'm nowhere near WANTING to work for 30 years, but it just makes me feel more different than I already do.

I've always been on the outs because I don't deeply desire romantic relationships quite as much as EVERYONE I know.  So much so that I've been accused multiple times by black girls of being a lesbian. 

I'm not a mommy lover like all my girlfriends were in the past. I think this is actually more of the mom's doing than the child's but no one wants to admit the difference. But there's no pejorative of that. 

I certainly don't enjoy working, nor do I deeply desire child-bearing or child-rearing.

I know people are lying when they say "I've ALWAYS wanted to x,y, z (be a mom, get married, etc..)," but I don't know that I've EVER wanted to be those things. I think I sort of expected that was just what happened. But I think once I started to understand the way the world worked, that these things are actually choices I was even more confused that anyone would choose this. 

I feel the same way about work. What am I missing? What don't I get that everyone else seems to?

It's like the reason I didn't got into retail. So many people complained about how terrible it was. It wasn't that bad when I was an intern but I wasn't prideful enough to stick around until it was. 

I think with back to school and the end of the year fast approaching, I'm a bit more self-reflective. Like, if I reached FIRE today...then what?

If I won the lottery today, then what? 

I know nothing I feel is a new feeling, and that I'm not original. So there must be people like me out there. 

Can you die of being ordinary?

I think I'm scared of floating out to sea. Just drifting to my death. I know this what I chose, but it's still scary. I thought it would be more comforting. I think work has been my life raft or the dock... I don't know where this analogy is going, but once I quit work again, it just feels like if I .... 

If I quit work again, one flutter or one moment of panic and I'll drown. 

Maybe that's why I watch so many of these dating type reality shows. Maybe if I study these people long enough I can make myself more like them. 

The opposite is true in the workforce for some reason. I know the longer I stay around these people, the more I'll be like them. And I don't want to be them. (And I think they know it.)