Do I Even Want a Relationship?

 Of course I bring my struggles with Feelings to the blog. Where else. 

When I was living single, I'd kind of made up my mind to just keep the status quo until the end of the year. I was going to take advantage of COVID. 

Then next year I could decide what I wanted to be different.

Then I just started running out of things to do to occupy my time. 

So I got on the apps thinking if it all went left I could just store it safely in 2021 and move on with 2022.

I'm literally at the prime of my life. I have nothing but time and resources at this venture. My muscles are atrophying.

Everyone else around me has progressed socially, but what am I doing. 

I started thinking of rules for dating on the apps if I rejoined. Yes, since we last spoke I deleted ALL the apps. Even Hinge! 

My first thought was - just in case The 40 Year Old texts me I can say oh I didn't unmatch you in a fit of frustration, I just deleted all the apps. And it would be true.

My second thought was - I feared I might get a little reckless with the guys on there in trying to soothe my hurt feelings. 

An hour later I went to Food Lion for junk food to emotionally eat. And thought, just get back on the apps with new rules. I went in there not really knowing what to expect. 

I don't function best there so I had all my walls up and was just unprepared for battle.

I have to accept that I might actually have to leave the house. There's just so much maintenance involved in actively dating. 

I don't actually want to get my hair done or even shower. I didn't unpack any real clothes since I moved in. Just house clothes. I fully committed to a Life More Ordinary when I moved into Death house. That was just my reality in 2020. I hadn't gone out in 5 years other than to work.

When I got a taste of the 40 Year Old's life - I wanted it. He worked. He went out. He played tennis in a tennis club. He had places to be and people to see. And his parents died (which made me think - hey, we could be family!). 

I don't want to think about this anymore. I hope he texts me.