An Open Letter to People I Secretly Hate

I am feeling especially hateful this morning. I almost called the post An Open Letter to People I Secretly Hate. (then I went back and did it) Hate seems strong.. detest? 

How did we get to be a society where we have to put up with people that we don't like. Desperation? Politeness? I think things start out one way for a reason but then they take a turn and we don't remember the reason but we still do somethings symbolically. 

I feel like we had to be nice to people perhaps when people were Christians or to show them the Christ-likeness in us. But now, does anyone even care? Has anyone's "niceness" caused someone else to believe? 

We're "sooo nice" to the point of lying to people and being ineffective as leaders and people. I think these working mom TV shows just annoy me. Stop doing things you don't want to do. I am 100% unsympathetic to the woes of a working mom. Nothing you are experiencing is anything the women before you didn't experience. You had every opportunity to know what you were getting into AND YOU DID IT ANYWAY. 

I'm especially vexed at the ones who complain about daycare and schools not being open and they have to spend ALL day with their kids. What?! Isn't that why you had them... and most of the time these women have MULTIPLE children. Ughhhhhh.... say what now? 

The plan was always to have them and ship them to daycare or K12? I don't get that. Then why did you have them? 

I mean asking why people have kids and then complain about it is like asking the meaning of life. No one really has an answer.

I feel like I live in bizarro world with the things people are allowed to say unquestioned. 

I think I'm just especially hateful that no MATTER what the woman's job is, it ALWAYS makes sense for her to change her work schedule to do childcare. And then they complain. It's like a game of childcare chicken except the MEN ALWAYS WIN. I mean I had old friends that were doctors, pharmacists, surgeons, dentists. They all changed their work schedules after they had kids because IT JUST MADE SENSE. 

I would love to see a man go out of town for work every week and come home on the weekends to cook dinner and do domestic stuff. That was one of my old bosses. Another one LEFT her lucrative job for a lesser paying job so she could be more available for her kids AT HER HUSBAND'S REQUEST. Has any woman ever asked a man to change jobs to make less money so he could help out with the kids more? 

And women just say yes. They say YES. 

There's even the case of men who do stay home and do childcare, but the women still carry the mental load of dishes, laundry, and meals. That was one potential boss who was so proud to come home and cook dinner even though her husband was a stay at home parent. What now?

So this was supposed to be a post of open letters of a lot of hateful things I'm feeling about people that were supposed to be my friends. I think I was trying to figure out where it came from, and I think it's from this show Motherland. Woe is me, I'm a mom. That's the gig. This is what you signed up for. And what you continue to perpetuate. You make it harder for the next mom. You literally have no one to blame but yourself.  

These are the things that make me crazy and I can't reconcile. Like we all just go along with crazy and I don't know why. 

Open Letter to Frenemy #1

I recently was wracking my brain trying to see how I can help this girl and her family. 

I am convinced she only got a job at the VA because I'd mentioned how I'd tried and it was really hard to get. I think she had something to prove. Is that a friend?

Here's the email I want to send after she asked about my situation.

Hi! I love working in industry. It was ALWAYS the goal. It's more lucrative. In fact I just got a promotion to Associate Director making all the money. 

It was always the goal to pursue industry. Doing a fellowship probably would've been easier but I didn't have the appetite for another training program so I went the CRO route. But that job made it really easy to stay.  So I did. Plus I remembered how much I don't enjoy working.  But now, I'm here!! I underestimated the level of discrimination I'd experienced and the fact that people will hire people they like or that are like them or look like them over people who are more qualified or on merit. You'd think the pharmacy admissions process would've been a clue.   Apparently it's a pretty widespread open secret.  P.S. - I only have $60k left to save for FIRE. Kisses!

Hope you're enjoying toiling away on your grandstand. 

Maybe that was a little bit of poetic justice because the struggle was real for her when she started with not having health insurance. OMG! There was some bad karma! 

Open Letter to Frenemy #2

She recently said something to the effect of these pictures are part of the "friend collection."  I wanted to say, do "friends" tell each other that x boys would not be attracted to you. Then proceed to tell you about all the x boys that are attracted to her. That are so in love with her. Does a friend do petty things to show you that she "could have that guy if she wanted." I don't even want that guy. Why is being able to attract men so valuable to you? She literally would ask my guy friends to take a sip from their soda. It's Diet Coke. You've had soda before. It's such a mean girl move to exert dominance. But I ignored it. 

Oh but wait, on the x guy front. She would then proceed to try to hook me up with x guys that were my friends. So was that a setup... because in one breath you're saying these guys would NEVER be attracted to me and on the other hand you're trying to get us together? So either you're mean or just stupid. Or actually petty and hateful. But wait you're "soooo nice."

Oh and she "accused" me of being a lesbian. Did I ever tell you guys that. So is that an insult? So if I were a lesbian and wanted to come out - have you made our "friendship" a safe space to do that? Is this a new definition of "nice?"

She would say mean things about my hair every time I got it done. 

She gets annoyed when I put her on hold (only to give her a taste of her own medicine) but is quick to interrupt me to tend to her son, her mom. Freaking hate that crap. 

And lastly, I'm 100% convinced she's applying for a job she doesn't even want JUST TO PROVE she can. I'm pretty sure when she gets the offer, she's not going to take it but wants to PROVE she's as good as me. 

But for me, it's like I DON'T CARE but the fact that you would go through all this just to prove a petty point. 

Are we friends? 

I think I'm just sour over how quickly she threw me under the bus at the first opportunity. I see you differently now. 

Wait a minute, I've seen this episode! See Frenemy #1. 

Literally what are you trying to prove? I think we should all know by now that once people form an opinion of you they're only going to see the things that prove them right. 

I think seeing me and her other friend progress while she's been in the same spot for 6 years hit a nerve. But I'm like, if this isn't your thing, then just live your life. I've certainly been in a place where I watched people move on and wondered what I'm still doing here.

But like I don't want to have this conversation where you come out and tell me, I got the offer and I declined it because of x,y,z - all the things that were true before you started the process.  When really you're just trying to what???... put me in my place? I don't even know what the goal is here.  Don't try to diminish what I'm trying to do with whatever it is you're trying to do. 

But I hate that society says you can't say anything!

Open Letter to Frenemy #3

Under this same lens, I think Frenemy #3 applied to the same college as I did to prove that she could. Because she didn't even go there. It was too expensive. Ughhh you knew the cost before you applied.

She was another one who was quick to say, "you've never had a boyfriend, what do you know." 

She's the one who STOLE MY life! But then acts like I'm nothing but the gum under her shoe. If I'm so beneath you why are you living my life? 

How is it hanging out with my family. Living in my old stomping grounds. Dating my old cousin - you know the one that made you so knowledgeable on relationships. 

I feel like every mean girl - I MADE YOU!

Honestly, she's absorbed other people's friends in the past as well. So this isn't just me. 

See you can't say hateful things to people because then it makes you look bad. Instead you have to hold it inside until it makes you crazy. I choose me! I choose me every time! And these days people are so quick to label things and people as toxic. 

Open Letter to My Old Job

How do I like the new gig, you ask?

Let me count the ways:

- Less work for moremoney!

- No weekends, no nights!

- No fighting to be heard; no fighting to be liked.

- No more doing other people's work after being told they're the expert for all the things (spoiler: they're not!)

- No more doing other people's work while they get paid more!

Wait have I already done this hate list.. oh well, it's popped back in my brain again. Onwards!

- No more doing other people's work when they have yet to work a full week w/o calling out!

- No more doing other people's work after being told they can't be expected to prioritize work because they have young kids at home!

- No more doing other people's work while everyone gets the same participation trophy!

Did you know I only recently saw who was on the performance award we got for that hellacious training?? My Buddy was on there - you know for attending the meetings she had no business attending!  Ohhh I so wanted to share this list with the other Over Achiever. I just want some vindication. 

But that's not the world we live in. We silently stew and either get over it or blow up. 

- No more staying up all night to meet deadlines for other people's tasks!! Literally, this happened more than twice!

I think I'm really still stuck on the fact of how I got it so wrong. I thought professionally I added a lot of value but apparently my boss didn't think so and teammates were hateful. And personally, I thought we we were close, but apparently my boss didn't think so. I just feel so played. 

Dude, walking away has got to be the most unsatisfying response to hurt feelings. Who thought of it. I think we need a new solution.