Friday A.M. Check-In: Leave Room for Hope

 Happy Friday! Tomorrow is my half-birthday!

I woke up feeling empowered but 30 minutes on the computer and I'm right back to vacillating. 

Leave room for hope. 

I need to stop trying to hide my Secret Love Tendencies.

Last night's ruminations

- Name change

- Showing too much in the consult session (for some reason, my brain wants to make it a big deal but I really don't care. I kind of want someone to know)

- The email

This morning I felt powerful enough to walk away but now I don't.

The name change thing just kind of came out of nowhere. Well, I guess not exactly. Feeling powerless, my tendency is to focus on my death date. I haven't been able to renew my license with my new address because I legally changed my name. I legally changed my name to meet my vision for my life. I just knew I was going to escape and I wanted to be ready. My new name means things like "new birth" and "renewed"...things like that.

Having that encouraging name while I live in my Death House just feels like failure over and over. 

So I'd rather just stick to my old name. And at this point, there's so much I would need to change. I just don't know how to go back to using my old name officially.  Maybe start at the SSA?

I think this came with the desire to try to go after the big job. I think everytime it feels like I make a big swing in the wrong direction, I try to overcorrect. My Brain must think it'll help me get over the pain faster. That's what popular wisdom believes anyway - don't feel your pain, redirect and distract. 

So, I think for now, I'll let it simmer for the 4 months left of this year. And just admit to myself that I'm leaving room for hope. Denying it doesn't actually make it less true. 

And then next year, I'll get on it. Boy there sure are a lot of tasks for next year.

I either need to figure out how to keep my Old Name or begin the process of changing my name on everything. The latter does not sound appealing. And I really only want to do that if I get to leave NC for My Best Life. 

Honestly, that's just way too much pressure. 

In other news, I might get pizza today. I liked the new place that I tried enough to go back, but their pizza was $10 and then I remember on Fridays another chain had $5 pizza. Dilemmas, dilemmas.