On Being Kicked and Staying Down

Originally published/last updated on myearlyretiremenjourney.com on 01May2019.

So many people tell you that what matters in life is how you get back up when you’ve been kicked down.  Is it though? Is that what matters? 

Is it actually a fact of life that we have to be kicked down? And consequentially get back up?

Is there no one that has never been kicked down?

Is life less enjoyable if you don’t experience pain or adversity?

Why do those who create life keep doing so only to knowingly prepare their offspring for the inevitable kick down. This I will not understand. Call me neuro-atypical. I might start calling myself that. No one can pronounce my name anyway.

So I wonder today, are there those who choose not to get back up? Is the burden too great?

Are there lives any less worthy? Is it not their choice?

I wonder too if perhaps those of us who choose not to get back at up are actually in the majority but because we don’t complete the hero’s journey our stories go untold.

I’ve been kicked down quite a few memorable times in the last year or so. Namely to do with my job and social life.

I’m tired of getting back up. Is that okay? Who exactly am I asking permission anyway?

Of late, I tried just one more time to advance in my career. I got the interview (I tend to get the interview), but I just can’t close the deal.

Before this, was the Quality Specialist position I was sure I was made for. Before that I applied to be a manager, I was less made for that, but they didn’t know that. Well in retrospect, perhaps they did. And before that, I tried to go for the Senior Widget Maker position (my job now but with senior added). No dice. It’s the exact same job, so I don’t know what happened there. Not enough experience they say. Sure, ok.

This last one I was pinning my very last hope and dream on it.  Very last. I’ve been wanting to escape North Carolina for some time now. I’ve been wanting a new start. I’ve been wanting to stick it to my current company by going to work directly for our client (the one I didn’t have enough experience with).  As it turns out, those kinds of things don’t seem to happen to girls like me.

And as it turns out the best and least healthiest way to cope is to just give up.

I thought I was going to take a sabbatical in 2020. I wanted something to keep me going.

Then I thought I might move to Spain.

And on my latest hunt for purpose, I re-thought of joining the Peace Corps.

For now I’ve settled on trying to work until Sept 2019 and quit for awhile. I’m calling it Escape 2019. It will be of my own design, I hope.

I want to quit today so I don’t have to deal with work or the embarrassment or being rejected by this client.

But I just don’t have enough saved in my regular savings.

I could break some CDs or take out of my retirement accounts or figure out how to withdraw from my brokerage account. I could do that.

But a) that seems like a lot of work b) I’m discouraged and down trodden not crazy!

Although the sliver of hope gets smaller and smaller with each kick down, it sticks around.  In the meantime, I’ve moved my various escape plans from 2027 to 2020 to four months from now (Sep 2019). Will I actually pull the hatch?