Patience Is Not One of My Virtues

Originally published/last updated on myearlyretiremenjourney.com on 20May2019. 

So as it turns out, I’m incredibly impatient. I’ve always been a little anxious (not clinically, of course). When I was in school for my last degree, I knew I’d have to work 30 more years so what was the point of a part-time job. In fact growing up, I’d always thought it’d be nice to be one of the people who could say I worked in Widget Factory for 30 years! They always sounded so proud.

We moved around so much, I think I just liked the stability of knowing exactly what each day would bring.

When will I learn “one of these is not like the other…” is the resounding theme of my life and that one is me! This girl.

Fast forward 30 years, give or take a few. I’m 3 years into my second career and I want out! And I literally just got moved to a team with much less of a workload, and I’m still trying to dig my way out with a spoon. What is wrong with me! I’m not stressed; underpaid; or in a toxic work situation. I just don’t want to work anymore.

So I bought those trips because I thought it would give me something to look forward to and diminish my savings a bit and thereby keep me working longer. It seemed like a good idea at the time. It worked a little bit. I mean I just finished my last trip and I’m still employed. So check, check!

However, now I’m back on the same hamster wheel. I don’t think being part of the FIRE community online is helping. We are different parts of ourselves online that probably isn’t sustainable IRL (in real life). I know this. I also know how hot and miserable summer will be in my apartment. And having nothing to do on the weekends will be made even worse when I attach the 5 work days preceding.

I managed to work out that I don’t have to work 30 more years to achieve financial freedom. I got it down to 10. I even talked a big game about taking a sabbatical in 2020. So, yay a break in a couple years! Then I said, bump that, I’m taking time off this Sept 2019. Now I’m ready to go last week.

Mostly this was fueled by daydreams of a couple jobs I’d applied for. See what visualization gets you! I so believed I was going to be turning in my resignation letter for greener pastures, my mind is stuck in that place. I think now it’s mostly fueled by the rejection; the loss of semblance of control of my outputs and outcomes; and the failure of my friendship outreach 2019.

I see why people engage in self-destructive behaviors…this temporary loss of control just drives you mad. I know it’s insane to quit my job but you just want to grasp for something. You get stuck in your own head and whatever poorly conceived notion your mind comes up with just seems LIKE THE BEST AND RIGHT DECISION. It’s not. I know it. But I can’t help it! Maybe I’m just constipated (which has been known to affect my mood), but I think I’m going to quit my job tomorrow.