Wed, Oct 5, 2022, I've made the decision to end my life

 Let's face it, God, I was never going to be happy with a mediocre life.

I just had to put it on paper and get it out of my brain.

I just had Session #6 with the CBT guy. It's all very suggestive. It's not the panacea I thought it would be. I know it's not going to help me but we'll see it through to the end? Or maybe...10 sessions. That's what he'd promised. 

Therapy isn't doing anything. I'm really not sure what it's supposed to do really. They just ask you questions and sit in silence. 

For now the plan is to just live 1 more calendar year in 2023. There's not really a rush per se, but it's happening.

All the thoughts are coming. 

I had lots of whys and what ifs but nothing is really bubbling to the surface.

Maybe it's menstrual.

You're really going to end your life over a boy? Yeah, kinda.

My biggest regret at this point is not ending my life earlier. I could have saved myself 30 years of misery. 

My biggest fear is that next year will be the worst year of my life. When I completely turn my back on God, maybe he will show me what bad really is. But then I think, if this is good with God. Then wow, I was right, it's not going to get better. 

It's my last chance to get the outcome I aim for. Don't confuse this with the life I want. This was never the life I wanted. 

Some scratch notes, are mostly related to budget because it's the only thing I can control.

2023: My Last Year on Earth

Jan - Mar:

- Max out 401k

Mar to May

- Play softball

Memorial Day to Oct 15

- Live in Seattle

- June

 - Walk the loop at least 1x/week

Jul to Sep

- Get in/on the water at least 1x/week

Oct to Dec 2023

- Finish the year off in NC

- Go to NC state fair

- Eat puppy chow

- Enjoy romance novels and watch romantic movies again

It's a pretty basic "bucket list." I'm only going out with one bang. It's uninspired. But freeing. Really freeing. There's nothing that can go wrong with this plan. There are no 11th hour levers. The 1 thing I know about myself, is that I'll stick to a decision even if there are signs pointing me everywhere but here. See all my blog entries. 

As for decision making, where I am now is - if it's going to affect the next year, proceed with the presumption of life. If it's going to affect anything after 2023, proceed with the presumption of death.

But this frees me most from social situations and self-advocacy. It won't matter in the long term.

As I've said before, I can't believe this is how it all ends.

In 2024, I might take a few weeks off and go to Spain and Portugal. But it really doesn't matter if I do or not. 

I was going to get extra support next week since CBT guy is on vacation, but it will be nice to experience a week of no-human contact in Seattle. 

I'm tired. Whether I fought the good fight or not, the fight is over.

It's like finally!

I'm so exhausted. I'm tired of crying and ...

I'm not even dwelling on this.

I was going to wait for Bonus Day 2024, but I kind of don't want to turn 40. I want to end my life in my 30s. Valentine's day sounds poetic. Nah, too tragic.

I'm not thinking about it.

All I know is the calendar year of 2023 will be my last year on earth.  I will experience every single day as my last day of its kind.