Sat, Oct 1, 2022, Hmmm what just happened?

 I woke up a bit grumpy. Feeling rejected.

Why?

- Well Kayla and gang have gone unresponsive to my text after trivia night. That hurts. I wish I had just made plans and sent them as an FYI vs asking a question of if they are still interested. Making friends is stupid. (I guess on a high note, it felt like a risk.)

- The brown girl didn't end up calling me. That's just confusing

- The woman I met at the San Juan islands never reached back out. 

- And last night, I met up with an organizer of a Meetup. I actually thought he was interested in me. Turns out he has a girlfriend and is kind of a terrible person. He 90% reminded me of Racist Friend. Even down to what he "prefers in women," namely skinny white. Are men just unaware how hurtful it can be when talking to another woman and you say your preference is what she isn't? It's so funny because even as he was hurting my feelings, I was still trying to be pleasant and agreeable and like I still wanted to convince him that I was desirable. That's messed up. The night just wouldn't end. I think I still somehow wanted to win the night, or I was stuck somehow. 

We were supposed to go to a Mariners game but wouldn't you know the tickets were sold out. So he was like let's go to Bellevue. He was more familiar with that. Since I thought he was single and I was already there, I was like okay. On the car ride there, it came up that he had a girlfriend. I was like put me out of my misery. 

In retrospect, I probably should have just said I'm going to head out. But I really wasn't interested in footing the bill for an Uber ride home. But now that I have to live and think about this rejection, it would've been worth it. He reinforced a lot of negative stereotypes I have about men and what is considered desirable - beauty and agreeableness. And I have yet to find a man who talks about women in a kind way. He definitely is of the brand of guys who think women are at fault for their own misery, but when confronted denies it. He quoted really bad articles I have also read on the internet, that I once accepted as truth.

He's like a throwback to a life I used to want. But I just stayed like a bad movie. I think there is part of me that still wants to try to prove to white men that "prefer" white women that me as a black person is desirable too. It's funny because I know they don't even consider me as an option; so I don't even think they're aware they're hurting my feelings because it's like my feelings don't exist. Just like I don't exist.

So as druggies say, this was a "bad trip."

Yeah, I'm just reminded this is not a world I want to delve into further. I'm staying on the app until I leave out of defiance. I want to experience this cuffing season, the internet that never lies says is true. Once I have my bad data, I can leave dating and apps and internet articles once and for all.

Accomplishments: only spent $8 (more than 0, but I didn't feel pressure to try to impress him by getting something I didn't want to eat or be more agreeable). And I got a "free" ride home, but I didn't really need one if I had just stayed in Seattle.  There's no real lesson, I just did a thing and it turned out badly. 

The shocking twist... the Iranian has yet to set up plans...and it's been a week. This is exactly what happened last time I was here. This man triple texted me when I didn't respond last time I was on the app, but when I actually do respond- radio silence. 

I can't wait to recover from this low. 

I wanted to wallow in self pity for awhile, but maybe I'll go to the zoo walk after all. Ugh, I don't even feel like doing that. I want to eat and take a nap.