Mon, Oct 10, 2022, And..

 One of my counselors is trying to get me to 'and' more, as opposed to dichotomous thinking I suppose.

Dan did 3 non-consensual (ie, stealth raped) acts on 3 different occasions AND I still want to be with him.

Date Rape Guy from earlier this year did something similar AND I still wanted to be with him.

That's what it's like to be me - undesired. The thing I feared the most happens AND I still persist. 

It's why I don't really drink especially when I'm with men. It's why I try to say yes, AND they still take advantage and betray your trust. 

AND I still want them. I feel like a 16 year old girl doing things she doesn't want to do to get a guy to like her. Except I'm 38, turning 39 AND I know better.

But I don't really because like that 16 year old girl, I'm still trying to get a guy, ANY guy to like me.

That's what it's like to be me.

(I just watched The Luckiest Girl Alive, so rape is on my mind. I'm very much like the protagonist - apologizing to your rapist. Because I'm a "Sorry Girl.")

I scoff at professional women who let their partners hit them or abuse them. I WOULD NEVER let my partner do that to me. AND then I do. 

There was a girl I knew before who would never do that. But her confidence was slowly eroded with every single day that she was left alone and undesired. As those around her were quickly picked off and she was invisible yet again. That girl was me, duh.

There was a girl I knew who had a voice, who stood up for what she wanted, who was a martyr for her own cause. I'd rather die alone than be abused or mistreated by a man. Then she moved to NC where they killed her spirit and took away her voice. Wait, is this the little mermaid? Nope, still me. NC sucks. It really does. Without knowing it, these people re-packaged me into a little agreeable black girl so that I could fit in. But here's the thing, I never did. I still was overlooked and verbally attacked to the point that I quit one of my rotations. Even after I told our Dean, nothing happened. Does anything ever happen. 

So afraid of being labeled difficult. So afraid of being labeled anything that's stereotypical black. Including single and alone, I've compromised everything that old 14 year old me used to be. I was better at being strong and independent as a child. Let's face it, I got in trouble even as a kid for speaking up and out at things that didn't seem fair.

So maybe my Brain finally snapped in August because I'd finally had enough. Someone had to die, and unfortunately that person was me.

I mean, am I even alive?

I went on a walk with Kristin yesterday. At the end, I said, yeah if you want to hang out again, let me know. Crickets. (Wow, really! Not even the pity, 'yeah okay.') Good for you, girl! She said we'd see each other at the next meetup. Which got me thinking why she even asked to hang out 1 on 1. I wonder if she really thinks I'm LGBTQ. That's the only thing I can think of.

She shared that she did not have a fairy tale marriage, and Seattle was her start-over. She had a bit of a psychotic break after learning she was pregnant at age 18. Then her friend Michelle recently had a psychotic break after a bad break-up. I feel you, Michelle.

Is this what's left of the humans - survival. 

So whether Mean Brain wins or not, I know I'll find peace with whatever decision I make. 

I think my theme for next year is My Perfect Year.

I read some of Romans (?) about the armor of God. 

That's my bible verse for next year.

Next Year will be My Perfect Year. I have my Perfect Plan with only achievable things.

I won't even whisper about what happens next. 

I'm going to have my perfect year, where no one can hurt me.

I already know what to do with friends and foes. I already know what to do with work and work colleagues.

My plan is fool proof.

I hate Valerie, I decided. I hate that she dumps her work on me and I can't speak up because I'm afraid of not being a team player. I hate Monica because she's supposed to be my mentor and escalated a non-issue to my boss. That's a crap thing to do to someone who's supposed to have your back. 

Here's the thing with speaking up - it's left me alone. No friends, and no real close family.

But I know that now. And next year I'll have My Perfect Year.

No more reach outs. No more hope for a different outcome. No more guesswork.

My brain is actually tired. I just feel this fatigue. It's like being sick with no physical ailments. I can't think or make anymore decisions.

I don't know if I should continue my quest of going on 2 more dates, just to use a total of 3 dates to wash Dan out of my system. To wash dating apps out of my system. I probably should, but maybe not during my blissful time off.  Yeah, maybe during my last week here. 

I hope Sean asks me out and we live happily ever after. Today is Day 3 since he's had my phone number. I have a feeling he's going to literally wait until there's a hike to invite me to. I hope he doesn't, but that's my best guess. I think he will contact me again, but I wonder when.

We get paid this Friday.  Payroll is still taking out the wrong state taxes. Grr. I requested a new phone number in hopes of getting 1 of the new NC area codes. But alas, AT&T said it was not available. Not much else I can do.

At first, I thought all my new friends would miss me or notice when I went back to NC, but I'm feeling fairly confident that will not be the case. Oh well. I'm still going to have my Perfect Year next year.

I wonder how long I'll give Sean before I message him, "Just to see," of course. The risk of rejection FAR outweighs any perceived benefit. Because let's face it, my happily ever after starts with him making the first move. 

Oh, one more thing, Diary, yesterday I bought another $20 Seattle dinner of garlic shrimp. And I got exactly 6 shrimp. That's $3/ shrimp. Is that not outrageous!! And you had to pay extra for rice. The nerve!