Fri, Oct 7, 2022, I don't know what's real anymore

 Counselor Katie mildly suggested medication since I mentioned my feelings felt "cyclical." Am I bi-polar? I don't feel bi-polar.

My actions don't feel bi-polar but my feelings definitely feel erratic. I'm everything I guess.

But then a boy messages me and I'm fine again. That's why I don't think my feelings are real. They're so circumstantial. 

I've never gotten exactly what I wanted so it's hard to know if I will actually feel good for the long haul if I did.

The fantasy is that I would.

Nothing too jazzy is going on tonight. So I might spend some time with myself and eat bon-bons.

I remember dreaming as a kid that if I made it to adulthood, all I wanted to do was eat ice-cream bon-bons and watch soaps. That was my big dream.

Maybe I knew even then that romantic fantasy love was not in the future.

But the only thing that's changed is that I realize I don't actually have to live. 

As expected, the next day the desire to end my life is noticeably not as urgent. Figures. So maybe I give myself a 10 day window when I feel these strong feelings. They eventually subside.

How do I get through those 10 days.

I think we can safely say the supplements aren't working. 

I looked at the mood tracker app and there was definitely a pattern of around the beginning of the month where my mood was noticeably low and then evened out. Not very many Good days, but predictably recurring Bad days. 

I used to attach it to my menstrual cycle and it was only about 3 times a year where I'd have these wild mood swings. But now it's monthly it seems. (This feels a lot like when I was younger and didn't know I was lactose intolerant. Sometimes dairy made me really sick, and sometimes it didn't. Then one day it always did.)

So I guess it's 10 days On (low mood) and 20 days off. What a life!

I don't know what's reality. In my non-low mood, is that reality? Or is my low mood reality? Do I use my baseline mood to end my life so that I never transition back to low mood. 

Anyway, here I was crying over Dan then Steve finally messaged me on Hinge. This is two weeks later. I'm 99% sure based on previous actions that he'll go dark again. It is a game no matter what people say. Sometimes I like playing it, but I hate playing it when I lose.

So I'll keep the Board Game night on the back burner if I start feeling sorry for myself. I do want to go to the Trader Joe's to get some plantain chips so that will be my reward. 

Part of me wants to force feed myself 3 rando dates so that my last dating experience isn't the Dan experience. Part of me wants to wallow in the Dan experience. 

The Death Part of me is like, it doesn't matter. But I'm not in Death Year yet, so it has to round up to matter. This morning I was so crazed I wanted to do a casual drive by the university where he teaches. Not crazy at all right. I feel 17 again. And I KNOW equivocally that it didn't land me the guy, but yet my brain convinces me that I MUST do this or I'll never get him.

Then I get a little bit of attention from someone else and I calm down. That's how I know these feelings aren't real.

Honestly Death will truly just put me out of my misery.