Cuddle Me!

 I've tried so many things, short of turning my phone off. I DESPERATELY want to do a drive by Dan's house. Like right now. I just want to be cuddled tonight and for the rest of my life, but particularly tonight and the rest of my trip here.

I've tried to read so many articles.

Yes, he doesn't want me.

Yes, I shouldn't chase him.

Yes, when he says he doesn't want a relationship he means it.

But my brain won't let up.

Go, go, go!

You must go!

This is the same brain that has convinced me to end my life, so we know it can't be trusted.

I can't find anything else to do to distract myself.

I said I would spend the day with myself with no human contact.

Well that is backfiring spectacularly. 

Someone, please pay attention to me! If I hadn't deleted all of Sean's contact info, he'd be the sacrificial lamb, but the only person I can contact is Dan because his information is all over the internets!

Woe is me. 

I've downgraded from showing up unannounced in a potentially $60 rdtrp Uber, to a text message or inviting him to my Google Photos (obvi to see all the things I've done without him.. ha, I don't need him!). 

Showing up unannounced still seems like the best option. It just seems harder to ignore. High risk, high reward but also highest devastation.

But I mean, I'm firing on all cylinders these days.

I know how crazy it sounds and in actuality, is, but I just can't help it.

I just want someone. Anyone to love me!!

I know it won't be love but it's a lot easier to pretend when there's a body to play the role and not just your imagination.