Sunday, Oct 9, 2022, Why is Mean Brain so mean to me?

 Of course today is a lucid day. I realize when Mean Brain isn't actively trying to convince me to kill myself, life isn't all that bad.

I was reading an interview on ESI Money, and I think now my eyes focus more on what people are spending on vacation and other kinds of lifestyle expenses.

The post today had someone that had a lake house so that of course piqued my interest. I think where I went a bit wrong with reaching my FIRE goal is not taking the time to figure out what life post-FIRE would look like. I was disappointed that I didn't know my immediate next step and that "all my realized hopes and dreams" weren't there to celebrate this milestone. 

When Let Me Live Brain is in control like right now, I am feeling good about my vacation budget. That article helped. The fact that I'm a bit exhausted from socializing feels really good. In this moment, I want to come back next year and do it all over again and maybe even do it better.

So yes, I didn't get a family to love and love back or a partner or a cool job that I'm brilliant at. But I did get the opportunity to retire and spend my time doing a bunch of random stuff that I can check in and out of. That's pretty neat. Yes, coming from an 'at least' position sucks, but oh well.

There is still a part of me that wants to enjoy this freaking retirement that I spent the last 4 years earning.

But there is still a part of me that's like who really cares. I don't want to talk about that part. 

Anyway, after reading the ESI post, I got excited again about my budget and vacation plans next year. The idea of being a summer bird in Seattle feels really good. It makes sense. It just feels like such a good solution after all the hemming and hawing about moving and or living here full time. It's like I finally made a good decision when it felt like there wasn't one.

A recent thought I had - If you had a million dollars would you stay? Not actually doing the math of a million dollars but more the concept of money didn't matter. If I could stay in this apartment for free, would I stay. Not necessarily. I think for me the biggest pull back to NC for the last 2 months of the year is waking up before sunset for work. That is brutal and when I think of it, I remember it being on a list of undesirable things I wanted for my life.

The only thing I could convince myself of is, it would be an excuse to go to Hawaii during shutdown. The big plus there is that it's a plan and it's something to look forward to. 

So if I could live in the apartment for free and work half day of PST hours, yes, I would stay here for Nov and Dec. 

So I guess I'm a little afraid of going back to NC - I'm afraid of moving up my death date, and I'm afraid it'll be easier to stay and convince myself not to come back. But I think no matter what, I want to renew my lease on life for one more year. I wonder if I can commit to that. I don't know if that includes starting medication or not. 

I went to 2 gaming events this week that I mostly just went to to pass the time. And it wasn't horrible.

Oh I forgot to document my meet cute!! I was going to say it's only happened twice in my life, but I think this might be the actual only time?! I don't know if I should count the Austrian from my late 20s. 

This is getting me giddy.

So let's talk about it.

I went to a gamer's game night not knowing it would be so intense. I mostly went to pass the time waiting for Steve to message me back. Lame, I know.

But anyway, the story is so long so I don't know how much to include.

Anyway, I got shuffled along to a table at the back to wait for more players to show up. I played one card game with a total of 4 players. Another girl came along and was chatting it up with this guy named Sean. I was in the middle and I was like wow, this is cool. Another love match in front of my eyes. (The third since I've been going to these meetups.)

The game ended and the 2 girls go off to play another game. The 2 guys go off to play a game. I just sit there not particularly interested in any game or changing locations. A few minutes later, Sean comes back up the stairs to ask me if I want to play his game!!!

I was shocked!! Remember, I'd been othered a couple times recently and gone back to being Invisible Girl. 

So I go downstairs slightly dazed and confused but thinking this must just be gaming culture, they just need players. Anyway, the original group for Sean's game find another game they like better. And it's just 4 of us again. Sean is a little annoyed I think. In retrospect, the mama bird in me wanted to make him feel better and repay the little kindness he showed me. I feel like he even was like, doesn't matter which game you want to play. But I stayed.

As he's explaining the rules and staring at me ALOT and visibly. To the point he even said, I don't know why I'm focusing on you. Fantasy Me thought it was cute in retrospect. I think we flirted a little bit. And he mentioned a 3D printer which got my attention so I asked a few follow-up questions about it. 

Anyway, after the game ended (I won by the way!), I lingered just to see what would happen.

I actually don't remember how we got to talking about the weekend. I must have asked if he goes to the group meetup alot. Anyway it came out that I had plans for the weekend. And he said, well if you weren't busy on Sunday I was going to ask you if you wanted to go on a hike on Sunday. (Ahhh!!!)

And then I feel like there was something about his 3D printer, where he was like you should get to know me, if you want to find out more about the printer. 

Anyway, I remember saying, well you should invite me on another hike, and then he said, "Well how can I do that, if I don't have your contact information."

Me: Do you want my contact information?

And then he's like it's loud in here so I wouldn't be able to hear you, so he had me put it in his phone.

Later in the very short conversation, he'd said he'd moved a year and a half ago, and I asked if he'd just graduated. He shockingly said, "I'm almost 30!"I laughed and said, "I'm almost 40!" 

You kind of felt the mood shift a bit, or at least I did. He said, "I couldn't tell." I said, "probably because I'm wearing my mask."

We walked out a bit to our respective destinations. He helped me figure out the bus stop. And he even texted me on the way back. 

I kind of wanted to reassure him the age gap wasn't a big deal to me and wanted to give him an easy way out, but didn't...or at least haven't. 

Haven't heard from him since.

I'd tried to go on 3 dates this weekend but Steve flaked on the 2nd date and I'm kind of over it. I'm going to round up my meet cute to a date and that terrible guy I hung out with 1 on 1 (who is not single) might just count as well. 

I'm going to take it easy today and meetup with a committee member from another group later today. 

That's all folks!