Thurs, Oct 6, 2022, My dreams already didn't come true

 The thing with waiting and laboring over decisions is no more. I never fully appreciated that my dreams didn't come true.

Sure, there are a lot of platitudes and reasons to hope. I'm sure there are.

But I don't want it.

At the end of the day, this isn't what I wanted.

Maybe I'm a petulant child stomping around at the feet of her father. Maybe. 

But there are no more conditions to be met.

I wanted friends and a family. A nice house. A nice neighborhood. A community of people who had my best interest at heart. Who prioritized me and our relationship. I wanted to be in love, ideally with a high school sweetheart (and to be loved fully and completely in return). A family of my own would have been nice. A future worth living for. 

But instead I got this nice life I've pieced together. With a little bit of this and a little bit of that. I've been pulled out of a situation, surely, that could've been worse. It could always be worse.

I feel ungrateful. And I am. I want more. I've always wanted more.