Tues, Oct 4, 2022, I probably won't make it to 40

 My life feels like a hollow shell, a Russian nested doll. Inside it's just more clutter of trinkets of a life. A life of things I things I should be doing or things I've seen others do.

Yesterday, I think my mood tracker was at a 7. Worst is a 20. 

I thought I could occupy my time by doing an Expense update because I still enjoy reading those for the most part. When they're crafted in a fun narrative anyway.

But I couldn't muster the motivation to see that through.

I also don't think my expenses are very interesting. You get a play by play anyway.

I don't think I've even done a proper reflections post even for the last quarter. 

Well my investments are at 2021 balances. I hit a record high at $480k earlier this year, now I'm down to $399k. Imagine! 

I tried to not get too excited about hitting 1 million in 5 years, and luckily I didn't. Nothing about aggressively saving is appealing to me. I guess I'm one of the ordinaries. I'm still reading the same blogs and read way too much frugal/ FIRE blogs but maybe this is what burn out is? 

I'm not that motivated because it's not really a challenge anymore. I know I can reach 1 million dollars if I do exactly what I did the last 5 years. Except I just don't want to.

I reached my FIRE goal. I'm not like the others than can change direction really fast without a life-altering compelling reason.

FIRE was a lot of things that I don't even fully know yet. But for now, it was a financial safety net. And in many ways a physical and emotional safety net as well.

It's the ultimate safety net. Any more money won't change my life in the way I'm looking to change. 

I mean any more money that I can reasonably earn. I, myself, not the universal I where anything is possible.

I'm out of energy chasing jobs and job hunting. Namely because it doesn't come as easily to me as others. So without it being essential to my life, it's not worthwhile for me.

So with my Seattle trips, I'm stuck between living as a vacationer and a resident. I guess that's probably because I'm both.

I think that's why the budget helps. 

Whatever choice I make (money wise), if it's within the money I set aside, it doesn't have any financial consequences.

I feel like FIRE was a necessary life skill because money anchors so many of our decisions. At least for people like me. It's just funny because I don't think I was a super consumer or in bad shape. I had the general idea that I needed to make more money to afford more things.

But I didn't really have a good idea of what to aim for, or what was realistic, or even possible.

And if it weren't for so many regular earners spelling out their steps, investing and acquiring all this money probably would've seemed impossible. 

I think that's why I keep scouring the internet for what to do next?

FIRE was the life-hack for my finances.

What's the life-hack for my life!

I don't have any data to back this up, but I know a lot of people live to take care of their children. Why does it feel wrong to want to live to take care of a partner. I just know how much I'm struggling without that emotional (and physical) support. What if there were someone out there that is looking for my brand of life-affirming love. 

What if we could meet and live happily ever after, doing a lot of the time fillers I already do now. 

What if there is an opportunity to live the opposite of what I'm living now. To be insanely happy and carefree and full of love and fullness. To have a reason to wake up every morning. To never eat alone, sleep alone, walk alone, wander alone, cry alone. To have the emotional and physical affection equivalent of my FIRE safety net. Wow, what a life right! 

Since parents get to parent their kids for 18-22 years, maybe even 25 years. Maybe that's my goal, I want to be happily partnered for 25 years. Then I can die happy. It's not too greedy. 

I don't want a problem child, a defiant child, a special needs child, an adopted child. I want the happy ending. 

I want the obedient, loving, kind child. I want the responsible, loyal, affectionate child. A child that is the fruit of my labor and nurturing. A child that is respectful and grateful and aware and compassionate. I want a happy child. I want an easy child. A precocious child. A child I can be proud of.

It sucks that this is life. You can be exposed to all these wonderful things and all the while they remain just out of reach. And we just all accept it because "that's life." Well to me that's shite! What a crock.

I've tried all the tricks - prayer, manifestations, vision board, putting it out there and hoping you get it in return. I've tried building my life up in other arenas. It's all sorcery. 

People just put out what worked for them. But there are no workshops, spreadsheets, brokers, calculators, or cheat codes for black girls existing in white spaces. There's no blueprint for us.

So I probably won't make it to 40. And I'm not entirely mad about it. But if I do want to carry on living, I need to craft a new story.

It's somewhere between what is true and fantasy (because reality hurts too much) and what is possible (because reality can't be outdone). 

I don't know who I am or what I want anymore because the true things I am are undesirable and the true things I want are so far out of reach.

Is my death the ultimate F U to the world or is my life? 

Who is counting though? No one.

Literally no one.

Do you know I wrote my own obituary a few years ago. 

I've tried to start my life over and over again. Nothing changes.