My Brain and I were battling again yesterday. It was my first full day all alone with no contact with the outside world, after about a 10 day streak of going out daily, and I failed miserably. It was like coming off drugs, I imagine.
I felt so rejected and wounded because Sean didn't message me at all on Sunday. It was like the week before all over again. I said in the text message that we can chat again on Sunday if he wanted or see each other at game night. But crickets.
It hurt my feelings immensely.
This wasn't part of my game plan. I was trying to draw this out so I would have something to look forward to my last two weeks, but this is not working out that way. In my fantasy, I actually thought the cancelled plans was a ruse and he hadn't actually planned a hike, but I found out he really did and I think must have already postponed it by the time he reached out to me. (That's why I couldn't find it on the Meetup calendar.)
But then my thoughts were right. Why didn't you invite me on the hike? That's how this whole thing started.
I think I want to skip Friday's game night and see if he responds to that. If he doesn't, I just have to let it go.
But yesterday, Brain was relentless in getting me to contact Dan. I just couldn't find my way out. I planned a story. I looked at bus routes, uber. I crafted messages I could send instead.
I even called Frenemy. That was a fail because I was obviously in distress and although she answered she said she couldn't talk long because she had to go to sleep because they had family pictures ...in the evening. And also her comforting style is to shame me and remind me of past negative outcomes. I prefer someone who builds me up. This has been a continuous issue I've had with her. I think it's the way she was socialized. This was the issue I had with the other Black Girl I tried to be friends with.
It's like if you're a druggie calling your sponsor, and instead of them encouraging you, they tell you how worthless you are and that you're just going to stay a druggie forever if you take that hit. Not helpful.
Yeah, as much I'm trying to live a solo life, I need a couple people I can turn to when I'm in distress. It is categorically NOT Frenemy or Maryland Aunty.
And somehow, again, even though Frenemy was sooo sleepy, most of the conversation was about her. She suddenly had lots of energy to talk about that. Yeah, so zero flocks given when she pressures me to call her ASAP or wants my phone number. It's like the dating app duds. What's in it for me, son?
So as much as the truth is I did want to try to seduce Dan last night, this morning I downgraded to my lowest offer of friendship. The newly formed plan is to offer friendship and say romance is off the table. This is good for two things... he's someone who likes to push boundaries, so hoping reverse psychology works. And if it doesn't, if we do stay friends, maybe I can seduce him next summer. It'll certainly give me something to look forward to. Either way, I'm sleeping on it today and am going to run it by my counselor tomorrow. The plan is to send the message tomorrow on my way to trivia.
I decided against using one of my current numbers. I will create a new Google voice number and I hope against all hope I have enough resolve to not delete it before I leave here. So that will give him about 10 days to respond.
I think I have to do this because telling myself not to makes me want it more and I KNOW given my history, the holiday season makes me feel all the feelings, so honestly it was inevitable. It's either get butt-hurt here where I can walk away from the pain or be tortured back at home in NC.
I did want to get into some mischief last night, so liked a message Sean posted hoping he would see it and it would trigger a response. I also requested to join that hiking group. Ha! Then I messaged some randos on the apps. Nobody really responded before I went to bed.
Today, I'm going to try again and keep my phone off until Wed, sunrise.
I need to know I can be by myself. And I usually can without boy drama.
This feels like budgeting for some people. They can't find a system that works. Except I have even less practice. I would really prefer not to be on the apps next summer. I can't take the turmoil. But given all the dates I was able to go on this summer, I doubt I'll be able to convince Future Me to stay off the apps. She's a glutton for pain.
I was ruminating on thoughts of being more straightforward with guys in the beginning - hey, I'm looking to date, don't waste my time. Hey, I only give my phone number out to people I'm exclusive with.
In the off chance I get a repeat of a Sean next summer, I'm not really sure what to do. I know that even in My Perfect Year, it'll be hard to deny myself even a morsel of romantic love, even if the chance is ever so slight.
So early this morning, I read A Purple Life's new post on her contributions vs her investment gains and I think that will be fun to post later today as well.
I took another look at my planned budget for next year, and for the most part it's unchanged. I have loosely gone through the exercise of what staying in Seattle would look like, but I think living off $69k would still feel tight. And I wouldn't be able to save what I want without relying on my bonus. And my personal goal is to budget only for my base pay.
It's easy to live off $30 to $35k in NC because it's such a small portion of what I actually take home. I know mentally I have a big buffer between my expenses and income.
Living the same basic life in Seattle (while carrying my NC house) would cost me between 60-70k. And that's just not a place I want to find myself. Even with a hefty FIRE cushion. That being said, I would do it if the benefit was life with a partner.
Just wanted to re-affirm that for myself as moving day nears.
Anyway, I think I'll write more later. TTFN!
P.S. - I think I'm going to reach out to Steve to see if he wants to be friends. Real friends. The potential benefit here is two fold- we can get out of limbo, I might get a friend, and I want to see how he reacts to this messaging and get a baseline for either other guys or Dan. Plus, it's on the app, so if he says no or ghosts, he is finished when I delete the app at the airport.
P.S.S. - Accomplishments
- Didn't crazy girl and go over to Dan's last night
- Removed him from being shown on Hinge
- From sunrise to sunset, succeeded in no-contact with the humans
- Posted a blog post last night
- Cried instead of trying to end my life
- Didn't message Dan
- Made steak and potatoes
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