Mon, Oct 17, 2022, A drive-by

 I was awakened this morning by the fantastic thought of driving by Dan's house tonight.  I know he teaches tonight so I figured I'd leave here around 9p. In the fantasy, of course, I would show up in my 1 date-y dress, pretend I was just coming from a date.

I'd buzz his door, he'd let me up. He'd either immediately try to get horizontal with me or in the fantasy, we'd just talk, snuggle, get back together and live happily ever after.

Then I started to cry.

I thought maybe I'll send him a message on Hinge with my location and dare him to come by. But that would make me way too anxious waiting to see if anything happened.

I googled driving by your ex, and it is categorically a bad idea. I landed on a therapist's page and they said if you do unhealthy behaviors, you will be unhappy.

I think I always counter that with - I'm unhappy now, what's the difference? Doing nothing means I definitely won't ever see him again. But at least this action creates a stir of activity which in the moment feels better than nothing. 

I still want to go.

I'm super bummed Sean didn't text me yesterday. That sucks a big one. I guess again I was too direct.

I'll say it again, the only reason I would want to live is for a chance at Big Love, that pure perfect love of my fantasy. It's gone from the filet mignon of my teen years to at this point just Grade E fast food chain taco meat. But a VERY BIG PART of me still wants it. The more I feel it's not going to happen even at taco meat level, the less I want to live.

Yeah, she's going to end her life over a boy she never even met. What's the even  crazier version of Romeo and Juliet? 

I don't want to spend any more nights alone, especially Sundays.

Can I tell you my big speech for Dan..

He buzzes me up after I say something like, hey, it's me. (this is the biggest unknown, what if he leaves me out in the cold?)

I choose you. I've been on a ton of dates since you. And I want you. You stubborn, boundary-pushing, profanity using, bald, racist, pot-smoking, atheist. I have enough confidence for the both of us that this can work. We can go at your pace. 

Let's just get to know each other (with our clothes on).

I just want to snuggle with him again. 

I don't know yet how we would stay in touch because texting makes me anxious at this point. 

Maybe I just let him know I'm coming over tonight, that way he gets a heads up. 

In other news, I think payroll has completed Step 1 of getting my taxes withheld properly. Now, I have to wait and see if they will retro-act the taxes they withheld for 2 erroneous states. Here's hoping.

So the jobless Ice Cream date guy has been messaging me. I don't know what I'm going to say if he wants my number. Desperate me wants to say yes. Rational Me is like heck no. I'm not attracted to him and he has no job or direction, so when would we even see each other? We could be friends I guess? I'm going to give him a hard time though because I want to know what the texting expectations are.

And then there's 2 guys on the app. 

In a rational spell, I really don't want any of them, Dan and Sean included. I'm ready to just get back to NC and get ready for my Perfect Year.