Mon, Oct 31, 2022, Ugh, this again

 Dear Diary, 

I feel like my life at times is a loop. There's a lot of good things and bad things I can write about. Sorry, I've been missing for 2 days. 

Friday was fun. I went on a date with a guy who was MUCH better looking in person. But his pictures and the fact that he was a divorced dad made me go into the date with low expectations. I was a frumpy mess. Luckily, Logical Brain was like at least wear the makeup and earrings. 

It was nice and chill. He effortlessly paid because he had an open tab.

I went home then met up with Eve afterwards. We ended up at a backyard haunted house that actually ended up being a pretty chill evening out. 

That was Friday. Saturday, I ended up contacting Dan and we met up for lunch. When the bill came, he asked if I wanted to split it. And with shock and horror, I said No!. I meant to say No, thanks, but I'm working on that.

He was a bit annoyed, I could tell. Oh well.

I still want to be with him. I couldn't come up with a good agenda of what I wanted out of the meet, so I just went with just to re-establish a connection and give him a way to contact me should the need arise. I gave him a compliment. I said I took his advice about something. I tried to reminisce about an inside joke. I tried to convey that the door was open, without coming on to him strongly.

Sean has accused me of that over and over, so I'm self-conscious about it now. 

And then I just messaged him (Dan), kind of to again share an inside joke. I 99% expected him to refuse, but was hopeful he'd be my knight in shining armor and offer to take me to the airport. Fail. Oh well. I thrive on rejection it seems. 

But at least he responded, politely. Still not sure why he didn't respond to my previous messages. 

I do kind of wish I'd left it at the lunch so it could leave him wondering a little. Oh well, stay focused. The purpose was to ultimately give him a way to contact you.

Right now, I'm thinking, wait the 8 weeks. If nothing happens, then next summer, I will be the one proposing a FWB relationship. Glutton for pain. 

I'm a little shaken and annoyed, to be honest.

I was just kind of getting used to the Meetup groups and saying okay, this is just a hangout. No one hooks up. But I'm pretty sure the organizer is dating one of the attendees. And when Eve was there on Saturday night, 3 guys got her number and have already asked her out! 

So when I wonder where I got my romanticized notions of what dating looks like, it's not from Disney movies. It's from real life! It's just not my life.

Sigh. 

So here I was trying to protect Sean's feelings and not reveal I'm on dating apps, but he had no problem telling me he's not interested. Ha! 

Well my small victory there is that he asked again if I wanted to pay for a part of our date, and I said, "I'm not paying for anything." So, I got to work on my delivery, it seems. Haha. 

A better answer is, No, thanks. Or I don't want to...It makes me feel like...

Anyway, this Seattle chapter ends today. I started removing a few Meetup groups this morning, but the Turn every leaf part of me is waiting until I get to the airport to remove the rest. 

I've done what I came to do. Spent a lot of money to the point that I couldn't even make sense of it all.

When I get back, it's mostly focus on work. Unpack hopefully soon as I land, and get back to my ordinary life.

Haven't really broken the news to the few people I've hung out with more than once, but I can't be bothered at this point.

I can already feel my heart turning cold again. 

I'd love to say next year, I won't get back on dating apps again, but it's like applying for Med Info Mgr jobs. I just can't seem to help going after what I want.