Wed, Oct 26, 2022, Just friends?

 Dear Diary,

I reread some of Sean's old messages to remind myself he just wants to be friends who sext. Weird right. For now, I'm going along with it with the loose plan of letting it come to a natural end when I get to NC. I mean, this plan feels at least physically safe because the chances of us having sex is low between now and when I fly out Monday night.

I don't intend to tell him I'm leaving. I think there will be some sweet poetic justice if he actually plans to hang out and I get to pull out the card of oh, I'm in NC, sucka! 

I guess that's kind of what's in it for me. 

Between now and then though I don't know. The sexting is fun only in that some attention, even if negative, is better than no attention. 

I don't see myself actually going over to his house. Even for me, that walk of shame would be too much. 

Even though it would be easy to lie and say I actually have plans which is why I can't see him, I would rather actually have or make plans so I'm not at least thinking about him.

Tonight, I'm on the fence about 2 events - the boardgame meetup I usually go to or walk and dinner with strangers. The walk would at least mean getting outside which is always a plus, so I think I might just do that. And there's a chance of dinner. If it starts to rain, I may not stay for the dinner though.  Plus I don't have to take a bus. 

There's not much going on tomorrow. 

I think I'm just going to take it day by day. I'm pretty sure I won't go over there. Honestly, it's just too cold and there's nothing sexy about taking a dirty city bus ride to see a boy who wants to just grope you and not commit. This is my life. 

Oh the twist of the day. It's my first day back at work and yay, some work I thought I had to do has been lessened. Also, my big Nov/Dec project is essentially put on the back burner. That was the main reason for going back to NC. So now, I'm not sure what to do.

I guess I could see if I could afford it, but we all know, I could. 

There's not a compelling reason to do either thing.

I technically have about 2 weeks of project work I need to do that will require early wake-ups but if I had a compelling reason to stay, it would be manageable.

At this point, the win for NC is just the weather. I checked and it's still in the 70s there and it was in the 40s last night in Seattle. 

I wish Sean hadn't taken away the possibility of a relationship. 

The easiest thing to do is just go back. I've already kind of mentally prepared for that. I need to stop trying to forecast or look for destiny. What do I want to do? Stay, receive love, and live happily ever after. 

I guess we'll see what my manager says tomorrow. 

But that's pretty much it. 

Oh, burying the lede - I messaged Dan and intentionally (accidentally) forgot to mention who it was to see if he would bite. He did! So I know he sees my messages. My current plan is to message him on Monday and be like oh, sorry, I missed you. Headed back to NC today.  Maybe even add a little - hope we can reconnect soon.  My secret hope is that he tries to guess who it is or has some idea. I tried to leave a hint about the brokered CDs, but boys are dumb as I'm constantly reminded when talking to Sean.