Lamentations!

 Today was not great. I woke up in a mood...I think. It's about 6p PST and I feel crummy. I am on the verge of tears and really have been all day.

It was extra hot today and not thinking about it went to bowling anyway...it was indoors after all. But I had to walk a little over half a mile to get to the train station. The slight incline never felt so steep. I was sweaty and dehydrated by the time I got to the train station.

I persevered. Felt kinda woozy by the time I got to the bowling alley. Started to feel a bit like low blood sugar so begrudgingly ordered boneless chicken wings, fries, and a frosty drink on slight urging from the bartender. It was too much sugar all at once and I felt sick almost instantly.

We bowled 1 game and I said maybe 10 words and immediately left after my last ball.

I wanted to cry the whole time.

I wanted to do a crazy girl drop in at Dan's. I looked up his address on Uber and even put it into Maps. I thought about it from the moment the thought entered my brain and continuing until this moment. I thought about texting him. I thought about messaging him on the app.

Then I thought about messaging Sean. 

Luckily I deleted all traces of Sean from messages, contacts, and the text messages that get sent to email. Good thing too because I was feeling quite desperate on the bus ride home.

I've got belly bloat from a meal I didn't enjoy.

I used to wonder why more slaves didn't drown them selves on the ride over. Turns out they used to put netting on the sides of the ships to prevent this.  I wonder why more slaves didn't burn down their master's houses while they were sleeping. Probably because they'd be tortured. But what is life enslaved if not pure torture? 

Did Christianity subdue the slaves from violent uprising? They should've died instead of hoping for a better outcome that never really came. 

More and more My Perfect Year seems like the right decision. I'm like 98% disconnected from the rest of the world. No one really takes too much notice of my comings and goings. I'm like a shadow person. 

In my final year, maybe I show up crazy-girl style at the homes and families of all the boys I've ever loved. What would be the purpose? To accelerate my end of life plans I suppose. 

Where did it all start

Ryan is the most memorable

Tim and Kerry

Daniel (from undergrad)

Mr. Rooz

That one boy from grad school

Andrew

Greg

Mark

Joe

Stephen Thomas

Dan

Sean

I'm sure there were some minor ones that didn't even make the cut. 

Just another Sunday singing the blues.

No one ever turned back and looked for me.