Tues, Oct 11, 2022, Loving life...

 I don't know, but the sentiment came to me that I was loving life. I just am. I'm sad, yes. Disappointed, yes. Alone, yes. But still, loving life.

I woke up with no responsibilities. Which makes it tricky to fill the time. But for whatever reason, I feel hopeful. There is something comforting about routine.

I've been going to this one game night for 3 or 4 week now, and it feels nice to see a familiar face. Someone will notice if I'm not there. No, I don't know the names of all these people and I doubt they know mine. I don't know their families or phone numbers, but just to see a familiar face...wow! 

That's how starved I am for human connection.

Although I had deprioritized this in that it wasn't an active objective, it's nice.

Eventhough on my bus ride home, I was chastising myself for "giving up too much of myself" for some young male attention, c'est la vie.

Who cares.

I exist in the shadows, but for one day I had a routine. Of course I was going to game night. The shame I felt for sharing my real name and even brandishing my ID for male attention made me wonder if I wanted to go back to game night. But this morning, I feel differently. 

Maybe in a different life, my Monday would look like... work from 9a to 1p. Walk the loop. Have a late lunch/breakfast.

Piddle around the house. Then head out to 5p Game night.

That's a nice day.

It's very dry here, I can tell because my leg skin is very scaly and I keep waking up with these headaches. When I get back to NC, I might consider getting the mini bottles of water and keeping a case by my bed so I can try to drink at least that every night and see if that helps. 

I love Fall! Nothing like a cozy day and evening.

I got an email for my graduate school reunion next weekend. I tried to register but the page was blocked. Modern Day MERJ knows this is NOT a sign that I shouldn't go. So I sent an email to the contact person informing them of the error message.

My perceived "mess-up" with socializing is not a sign that I'm unwanted and terrible. It's just a thing that happened. I think the impetus was the 20-something year old that hit on me last week. I felt desirable, so this seemed like a possibility. It wasn't, and that's okay. Future information is so darn handy, isn't it. Apparently this is just life. People mistreat each other and get it wrong. Life goes on. No one is condemned.

Even with Dan and The Other Guy. Yes, in retrospect some boundaries were crossed. Maybe it caused me to snap. But oh well. Life goes on. I mostly hate that we didn't end up together and live happily ever after. Ultimately, that's the true crime. 

And like clock-work, happiness is back. Day 11. Hmmm. I wonder how long it will last.

I'm always stuck between doing what I want and doing the things in this elusive rule book. I've had mixed results with both. 

I finally got my Marley food box. Given how long it takes me to cook these things, I think trying to squeeze in one more box might be a bit of a stretch, so I'm going to call it. I think I'll go ahead and cancel the remaining boxes officially.

I have a list of restaurants I want to try anyway. Get ready for $20 mediocre meals.

A part of me is tired of plans and rules and data and analyzing life data points. With no real consequence, I think it's starting to matter less. I really was trying to achieve the best possible outcome. The one that would hurt the least and make me the most happy. But I think this is my resting place. A little hurt, and not that happy.

This is my equilibrium. There's a better word that I can't think of. 

I think it's like reaching FIRE. I really don't have much more to give (in terms of optimizing strategy or aggressive saving or learning more about finances). Spending is both easy and hard. Frugality stays. I like budgets and giving my money a job or a bucket to fill. Those things make more sense to me than other things.

So whether I die in a year or 40, I think I'm finally an old dog. No new tricks.

So with life, same. I don't have much to give in terms of forming new connections with other people or aggressively pursuing them. Living is both easy and hard. Sadness stays. Racism stays. Misogyny stays. My Love bucket in terms of emotional currency to spend is there, I just don't really have much to spend it on. It was there in case of a romantic partner. I'll probably die with it full, much like my FIRE budget. It's unlikely I'll spend much of what I've already saved. It's unlikely, I'll ever get to be that loving supporting partner that I just know I could be. (Notice I didn't used "meant to be.")

I don't know why I didn't get the life I wanted. 

But let's leave those conversations for another day.

Accomplishments:

- Didn't really eat any tater tots last night, I'm getting tired of bar food. Just the smell

- Offered to pay Mitchell $5 for my share of his tater tots I keep eating (past events).

- Heated up some leftovers last night for dinner

- Sent an email to my cousin for financial check-in

- Backed out of an event on Thursday that I don't really want to go to (too big of a space, and I'm not really wanting to sit in a dark theater for some reason)

- I didn't end my life yesterday (is that an accomplishment..nah... the goal isn't living)

- Brought the Marley and me box upstairs and unloaded it in fridge

- Attempted to register for Reunion

I'm hungry. I think it's a day of eating bon-bons and watching TV. I'm half-heartedly trying to go on some dates. There is a part of me that wants to reset my last terrible dating experience with some neutral dates.