Wed, Oct 12, 2022, I went to karaoke last night

 I don't have a title for this one yet. 

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I went to trivia and I stayed till after 10p. I sang 3 songs and walked to the train station with Luke.  Luke came to sit by me a couple times during the night and that felt nice. Less alone. I think it rubbed Cruella the wrong way because she came over and said something. I overheard her saying he needed to go back and check on the rest of the group since he was the organizer. I think I also overheard her saying something about not liking to see the group divided but she may have been talking about another event. She also seemed to make it a point to mention that Luke was meeting up with a woman on the East Coast this weekend.

The whole interaction made me wonder if Cruella had a problem with me. 

I sat with the group for the first few minutes until Karaoke started but moved off by myself to be closer to the stage. Because I didn't interact with the group much after that, it made me wonder why I waited for a Meetup to even come to Karaoke. Well because it's nice to have the safety net, I guess. 

People will always have a problem with me. It's not up to me anymore to adapt my behavior. That's one good thing about straddling early retirement while in my 30s. I can think like an old person and not give any flocks. 

I finally got to walk home with Luke. It was nice. I wasn't going to ask but I think in the end, it did come up that he was dating a woman (not-exclusively) back on the East Coast. Similar to my situation with Dan, they met in Seattle but unlike my situation, after only a few dates, and she was going back she asked about next steps. I don't remember the exact verbiage. But he was not shocked and appalled. He said pretty much it was too early and given the distance, it didn't make sense to be exclusive. But, again unlike my situation, they text about every other day. 

He invited her to Eugene, Oregon for another dancing event. He paid for lodging and something else. Presumably, she paid for her ticket. He did make a point to say that given where they were in life, flying to see each other was not much of a limitation. I agree! 

Which leads me to some realizations last night and this morning. Dan and I were just not well suited for each other. What happened with Luke and his romantic partner is kind of how I envisioned Dan and me. It's nice to know that what I was wanting and asking and hoping for where not these unreasonable things because they certainly weren't unreasonable to me. 

Also, it seems Sean (the 20-something year old) was not a suitable match for me either. 

Luke made a good point that some of the conversations in romantic relationships are similar to conversations in the workplace - you have to phrase it a certain way. Lube people up, as one of my committee members would say. I can kind of align to that. But corporate speak is really not my forte. 

I'm half-heartedly trying to set up some dates because I don't want Dan to be the last person I date. I also don't want him to be the last person I was ever with either. He doesn't deserve that title. 

In other news, I almost cried a bit during karaoke, even surrounded by people. Even surrounded by people, I felt alone and sad and alone. There were some throwback hits and soooooooo many artists write about love and heartbreak.

Accomplishments

- I cancelled the last 2 meal kits (Blue Apron tempted me with a free offer for a friend. I don't know...if I can get through this last box, I might try to finagle 1 free box for my last week here)

- I signed up for a bowling league. It was about $73, which is kind of a lot considering I'm only going to be around for 3 of the 6 weeks. Oh well. Spendy Me was okay with it. 

- I cooked Martha Stewart's BBQ skillet chicken. It was sooo good! 

    It was so good I copied the tomato/corn recipe into my OneNote and hope to make it again soon. I think the most memorable meals of the 3 kits so far - were the oven chicken with like middle eastern seasonings and currants from Blue Apron and this spice-rubbed tomato/corn mixture from Marley and Me. I was a little bit wary that Marley and Me was just another basic box like Hello Fresh and that Martha Stewart just slapped her name on it. But the spice rub and the tomato corn mixture felt like Martha Stewart. I would say Marley and Me is like Hello Fresh with a Martha Stewart twist. Like it's still basic meals but slightly elevated. That being said although Hello Fresh is pretty basic, I think there's definitely a market for it. It's just for the average American Family who just wants a little convenience added to their meal planning. I don't see any budget conscious family doing it long term though, so I'm curious who exactly their market is. Because the meals speak to Middle America, and most of middle America has access to budget grocery stores and moderate budgets. 

Anyway, I definitely plan to use the meal kits again next summer. (Do you know how HUGE it is for me to say words like 'plan' and 'next summer'??? #progress I feel like A Purple Life. She was always so bold with her proclamations for the future.)

The more I go to these meetups the more I feel affirmed and justified in my decision to come to Seattle to date - lots of dudes with good jobs. Just a little younger than I imagined.

I thought financial security was lower on my list but more and more I'm finding, I'm just naturally attracted to dudes with good jobs. I think I've always been that way. I had a thought last night in my imaginary conversations with imaginary partners, your job is to protect me and keep me safe - physically, emotionally, and financially. 

I think next summer, it'll be easier to be more honest about who I am, what I'm doing here, etc. I think if I ever go on dates again, I'm going to be more straightforward. Even though Luke made a good point about packaging your words, I think the reason I suck at the game is because I don't want to play it. Either that or try to give zero flocks.  I actually don't know. 

I can't wait to eat my leftovers. I ended up renewing my peacock subscription because I want to finish watching Made in Chelsea and Below Deck while I'm here. Well at least Made in Chelsea.

It's just sooo weird to me how functionally alone I am. I am the face of independent woman. I have No emotional safety net. No one to turn to the next time my feelings are hurt.