Wed, Oct 19, 2022, That's not the way time works

 I love talking to my white therapist. He's good at compliments. I was again lamenting about all my dating woes.

And he was trying to say people meet people at all stages of life. He will not concede the racism point, so I probably should stop trying to convince him.

But I basically was like I don't want want to meet anyone in my 60s, I want to meet someone 20 years ago. And he just said, that's not the way time works.

Whoa! Game changer.

Why can't I have been born a man. 

This is why we need all kinds of energy in our life - male and female energy. I was raised and socialized with way too many women!!

But I'm also in an extremely great mood right now because I pretty much texted with Sean for most of the afternoon and evening last night. And it was great. We are flirty friends and we both acknowledged it. He didn't ask me out and doesn't seem to have any plans to, but at least I don't have to guess.

I did as much as I could. So additional worry is unhelpful. Learned that today in therapy.

I mean we're saying it's therapy, but it's really as simple as - I'm happy when I get what I want. There's no conditional statements.

It's weird too because when the therapist is suggesting that I can message Dan and wait for his response (even if it's unlikely), it seems less like this self-injurious thing. And I realized, more than wanting to ride into the sunset with Dan, I wanted to self-injure myself. I wanted to displace the hurt I felt with Sean with a new hurt.  

(Another therapist had suggested to relinquish the past; another had said to forget about dating, etc...)

I'm glad I made the choice to seek out a therapist that was less like me. I have enough of my own voices in my head. 

Today's events include, walking in the park with Eve and trivia with Michelle.

I have some leftover guacamole to eat. And oh, without the meal kits, dinner is a bit more of a challenge.

But I went to Laredo Grill last night on the recommendation of A Purple Life. So I might make my way down my restaurant list.

I can't believe it's already Wednesday!

On a high note, I think I'll try to save re-contacting Dan for next summer. Of course, I'll check Hinge with a burner to make sure he's still single. And maybe Steve. I was going to ask him if he wants to be real friends, but maybe I'll save that for next summer. And I think I want to keep flirting with Sean, but don't push for an ask out, actually the opposite... just leave it unfinished so there's a chance we can hang out again next summer. 

Potential message for Dan next summer: Hey, Dan! It's MERJ. I'm back in Seattle for a bit. Want to catch up as friends? 

Again, I think pushing him in the friends corner is the best bet to make him want the opposite. Nobody puts baby in the corner!

Next Year is My Perfect Year. Male Therapist says you can use your anxiety to plan (store up your nuts) and then you just have to let it go once you've done all you can. Not his words, but my gist. Any more anxiety after you've prepped is unhelpful.

So I think I was made to be healthy because I love to plan. It's soothing. This is how I was designed. This is what comes easily to me. I was perfectly designed. I don't know where all these spanners came from to mess up my perfect design.