Mon, Oct 31, 2022, Ugh, this again

 Dear Diary, 

I feel like my life at times is a loop. There's a lot of good things and bad things I can write about. Sorry, I've been missing for 2 days. 

Friday was fun. I went on a date with a guy who was MUCH better looking in person. But his pictures and the fact that he was a divorced dad made me go into the date with low expectations. I was a frumpy mess. Luckily, Logical Brain was like at least wear the makeup and earrings. 

It was nice and chill. He effortlessly paid because he had an open tab.

I went home then met up with Eve afterwards. We ended up at a backyard haunted house that actually ended up being a pretty chill evening out. 

That was Friday. Saturday, I ended up contacting Dan and we met up for lunch. When the bill came, he asked if I wanted to split it. And with shock and horror, I said No!. I meant to say No, thanks, but I'm working on that.

He was a bit annoyed, I could tell. Oh well.

I still want to be with him. I couldn't come up with a good agenda of what I wanted out of the meet, so I just went with just to re-establish a connection and give him a way to contact me should the need arise. I gave him a compliment. I said I took his advice about something. I tried to reminisce about an inside joke. I tried to convey that the door was open, without coming on to him strongly.

Sean has accused me of that over and over, so I'm self-conscious about it now. 

And then I just messaged him (Dan), kind of to again share an inside joke. I 99% expected him to refuse, but was hopeful he'd be my knight in shining armor and offer to take me to the airport. Fail. Oh well. I thrive on rejection it seems. 

But at least he responded, politely. Still not sure why he didn't respond to my previous messages. 

I do kind of wish I'd left it at the lunch so it could leave him wondering a little. Oh well, stay focused. The purpose was to ultimately give him a way to contact you.

Right now, I'm thinking, wait the 8 weeks. If nothing happens, then next summer, I will be the one proposing a FWB relationship. Glutton for pain. 

I'm a little shaken and annoyed, to be honest.

I was just kind of getting used to the Meetup groups and saying okay, this is just a hangout. No one hooks up. But I'm pretty sure the organizer is dating one of the attendees. And when Eve was there on Saturday night, 3 guys got her number and have already asked her out! 

So when I wonder where I got my romanticized notions of what dating looks like, it's not from Disney movies. It's from real life! It's just not my life.

Sigh. 

So here I was trying to protect Sean's feelings and not reveal I'm on dating apps, but he had no problem telling me he's not interested. Ha! 

Well my small victory there is that he asked again if I wanted to pay for a part of our date, and I said, "I'm not paying for anything." So, I got to work on my delivery, it seems. Haha. 

A better answer is, No, thanks. Or I don't want to...It makes me feel like...

Anyway, this Seattle chapter ends today. I started removing a few Meetup groups this morning, but the Turn every leaf part of me is waiting until I get to the airport to remove the rest. 

I've done what I came to do. Spent a lot of money to the point that I couldn't even make sense of it all.

When I get back, it's mostly focus on work. Unpack hopefully soon as I land, and get back to my ordinary life.

Haven't really broken the news to the few people I've hung out with more than once, but I can't be bothered at this point.

I can already feel my heart turning cold again. 

I'd love to say next year, I won't get back on dating apps again, but it's like applying for Med Info Mgr jobs. I just can't seem to help going after what I want. 

Fri, Oct 28, 2022, A tale of two boys

 Dear Diary, 

It's 6a PST, and I'm awake. Although I lamented briefly about waking up this early, I adjusted okay. I'm up typing this aren't I? I think just that 5a wake up time really messes me up for the rest of the day. Strange what that extra hour can do.

Today's tasks include:

- Completing my timesheet

- Finishing up some of Valerie's tasks

I finally got a 3rd date scheduled from the app. We're going mini-golfing! I decided even if he bails or doesn't show up, I'm still going to do it myself. Lately, there's been a series of bad behavior from app guys so I'm a little wary about this date. 

I'm still on the fence about whether I'll do online dating again next summer when I'm back in Seattle. 

Anyway, Sean wasn't paying very much attention to me last night, so I ended up messaging Dan. Google wouldn't let me sign in because they said they noticed bot behavior. Old Me would have thought it was a sign not to message Dan. But since I don't believe in signs anymore, I verified my account; signed in; and messaged him.

He responded!

I think he's okay to meetup. I decided if he wants to, I'll definitely sleep with him. My hope is to use protection (even if it's not latex-free) and not do anything that's not protected. But we'll see. We know I'm weak with him and want to use my vagina to make him fall in love with me.

My initial text only asked for a meetup as a friends, but I know he likes to push boundaries, so I'm hoping he'll want to hook up. 

While being with him physically will be nice, the goal here was just to re-establish contact. If I were to fantasize for more, I hope to have a rendezvous later this year, ie go to Hawaii or some other warm destination over winter break. Ideally, I want some options for a summer fling next summer in My Perfect Year. 

Although we already slept together, I think if we kept seeing each other, I'd want to practice the things in Dr. Pat's book. It's unlikely, I'd be able to resist or feel confident enough that I'd keep his attention without sleeping with him. The thing I'll withhold is that we have to use protection and none of the other stuff he likes to do. I feel more confident limiting activities than not doing anything at all. I think the logic is enough that he'll comply. I'll just say I don't want to have to keep asking because it makes me feel x,y,z. He doesn't have to be in a relationship with me but he would need to deactivate his dating apps to do his favorite activity.

Anyway, let's not get ahead of ourselves, although I've pretty much been thinking about it all night.

I'm soooo glad I'm leaving Monday and that I essentially have something to do each day until then, even if only for a couple hours. 

Let's talk about Sean. He does the thing that I've seen before when a guy likes you (although people may just be genuinely nice since all these guys I thought like me ended up "liking" other girls and made them their girlfriends). He has expressed wanting to get me different soap. He's sent me links for a keyboard he thinks I should get. Tried to help me with my apartment door. Suggested I download like 2 different apps. He offered to bake me some pumpkin bread out of the blue when he was here. Went into a tizzy about us meeting up. And let's not forget he accidentally said, I love you. I love that for as vocal as he was after our first cuddle date, recounting just about every detail, he has failed to mention that one. He even said something about not wanting kids yet. Mind you, I didn't bring it up. I said something about 'no regerts' (from that Snickers commercial), and he came back with 'no rugrats.' So someone has projected far ahead. But then he's so quick to tell me he just wants to be friends and that I'm more into him romantically than he is me. *Exaggerated eye roll.*

I'm trying to do what Dr. Pat advises and just be upbeat about it and not correct him, but it's at times infuriating. I've been contemplating dropping the ...I'm still dating other people bomb on him, but not sure yet. He technically never asked. 

He has boardgames tonight, and I'm curious if he just expects I'll be there. We didn't really talk about it. And then he has a hike on Saturday.  Honestly, it'll be a bit of reprieve from trying to figure out what the heck he's doing. 

I don't know if I should treat all boys as friends until proven otherwise, or treat them like Dr. Pat says in the book. I guess, until we are dating, treat them as friends. 

Well, that's all for now.

PS - We got early deposit of our checks, and since my Net Pay was a little more than I was expecting, I'm hopeful that my tax withholding issue was corrected. Our paystubs probably won't post for a few more days, so I'll know more then. 

Thurs, Oct 27, 2022, Boys are dumb

 Dear Diary,

Sean came over last night. I keep worrying I'm going to accidentally call him by the wrong name. That'd be hilarious. I'm straddling the line between trying to let him think I'm interested and throwing it in his face that I'm not really and I'm dating other people. I almost said it last night but he doesn't pick up on hints well.

He asked me what I was doing after he left, and I said I had plans.. and when he pushed... I said to meet with a friend. 

I'm pretty sure he accidentally said, I love you yesterday. But I don't know if he thinks he needs to say that so he doesn't feel bad about fooling around. I'm so proud of myself for not going all the way!!! I was very tempted to try to convince him to love me with my vagina. Yep.

We finally kissed. I didn't feel anything. It felt nice, but not magical. It's hard to develop feelings when someone clearly says / but not so clearly acts like they just want to fool around as friends. 

Phew, he just texted to make sure we're good. I think he doesn't really want anything romantic (because he's said so), but also wants to be just nice enough to keep fooling around. 

But it also feels likes he's practicing being a boyfriend again.... shrug.

At least getting back to NC will physically remove me from limbo which is actually what I need right now.

He said he's soooo busy this week (then when I realized there's only 1 day left of the week, I felt less bad), and may want to do something next week. I'm not mentioning at all that I'll be gone... forever! 

Hahah. 

This time I know better than to let something like this linger. It's a fling. I won't delete my number but I won't ask for anything either. 

Whoops too late. He again wanted to talk about it so I said just enjoy being fwb/booty call and he (in my mind) confirmed he preferred being FWB. He said, 'I prefer fwb.'

Well, oh well. I did manage to convert a previous FWB into a stalker, so there's hope, but moving back to NC for a bit will definitely protect me from having sex with someone who doesn't love me. Phew.

And my manager just assigned me to a new project and that team is in the UK so back to early wake up times.

Phew. 

I'll keep you posted on what happens with Sean. 

Because I have nothing else to do, I'll still try to do what the book says. 

Omg, now he wants to plan a date night. I can feel the relief of not wanting to be my boyfriend wash over him through text. 

Wed, Oct 26, 2022, Just friends?

 Dear Diary,

I reread some of Sean's old messages to remind myself he just wants to be friends who sext. Weird right. For now, I'm going along with it with the loose plan of letting it come to a natural end when I get to NC. I mean, this plan feels at least physically safe because the chances of us having sex is low between now and when I fly out Monday night.

I don't intend to tell him I'm leaving. I think there will be some sweet poetic justice if he actually plans to hang out and I get to pull out the card of oh, I'm in NC, sucka! 

I guess that's kind of what's in it for me. 

Between now and then though I don't know. The sexting is fun only in that some attention, even if negative, is better than no attention. 

I don't see myself actually going over to his house. Even for me, that walk of shame would be too much. 

Even though it would be easy to lie and say I actually have plans which is why I can't see him, I would rather actually have or make plans so I'm not at least thinking about him.

Tonight, I'm on the fence about 2 events - the boardgame meetup I usually go to or walk and dinner with strangers. The walk would at least mean getting outside which is always a plus, so I think I might just do that. And there's a chance of dinner. If it starts to rain, I may not stay for the dinner though.  Plus I don't have to take a bus. 

There's not much going on tomorrow. 

I think I'm just going to take it day by day. I'm pretty sure I won't go over there. Honestly, it's just too cold and there's nothing sexy about taking a dirty city bus ride to see a boy who wants to just grope you and not commit. This is my life. 

Oh the twist of the day. It's my first day back at work and yay, some work I thought I had to do has been lessened. Also, my big Nov/Dec project is essentially put on the back burner. That was the main reason for going back to NC. So now, I'm not sure what to do.

I guess I could see if I could afford it, but we all know, I could. 

There's not a compelling reason to do either thing.

I technically have about 2 weeks of project work I need to do that will require early wake-ups but if I had a compelling reason to stay, it would be manageable.

At this point, the win for NC is just the weather. I checked and it's still in the 70s there and it was in the 40s last night in Seattle. 

I wish Sean hadn't taken away the possibility of a relationship. 

The easiest thing to do is just go back. I've already kind of mentally prepared for that. I need to stop trying to forecast or look for destiny. What do I want to do? Stay, receive love, and live happily ever after. 

I guess we'll see what my manager says tomorrow. 

But that's pretty much it. 

Oh, burying the lede - I messaged Dan and intentionally (accidentally) forgot to mention who it was to see if he would bite. He did! So I know he sees my messages. My current plan is to message him on Monday and be like oh, sorry, I missed you. Headed back to NC today.  Maybe even add a little - hope we can reconnect soon.  My secret hope is that he tries to guess who it is or has some idea. I tried to leave a hint about the brokered CDs, but boys are dumb as I'm constantly reminded when talking to Sean.

Tues, Oct 25, 2022, Dumped again

 I caved and invited Sean over to cuddle. There was some heavy breathing but no actual intercourse. I don't know what I'm doing, friend. I think he would've been content to just snuggle, honestly. It was all very PG, but I have such a negative narrative on men in my mind that I didn't know what to do.

So I pretty much took it to the next level. He was very nervous. It was all very weird and confusing.

I think because I know sometimes a FWB relationship can turn into something more, it's hard not to keep trying. 

In the end, it was like two virgins seeing naked boobs for the first time. 

He's sweet and weird and awkward and has basically been sexting me since 7a. It's almost 5p! He pretty much just recounts every detail from last night which I barely remember.

In short, he said PG cuddling and meant PG cuddling. He said PG cuddling, and I heard I want to get in your pants. And my brain said obviously if you do more, he will fall in love with you and live happily ever after.

This morning he's like I just want something casual. I like sexting you and hanging out but...lots of words to mean... I don't want to date you. So, yeah, when you know you know. He thinks he's going to get away with though.

And here I was thinking of extending my stay, I can't wait to get away from him. I don't know why I think I have to leave the state when I could just stop responding. Oh well. My goal is to not meet up with him again until Sunday. But honestly I'll probably give in to some extra cuddle time and probably still try to sleep with him. Old habits. 

I'm planning on texting Dan before I go out tonight while I have a few hours of distraction and Sean giving me a lot of attention. That's all for now. 

Mon, Oct 24, 2022, This is hard

 Dear Diary,

Following this lady's rules is really hard because Sean is kind of slow on the uptake. I can't seem to get him to make dinner plans or any other plans other than cuddling.

I want to just suggest we watch a movie at my place, but I don't know if that's against the rules or not. It would be a lot easier, but so would just getting in bed with him and leaving alone.

So right now, I'm in sort of limbo of ...are we meeting at 6p? He said tentatively... but it's 5p. I would have needed to start heading that way now.

So what do I want to do? Stay home or go to trivia tonight. 

I ended up eating 2 slices of pizza because I couldn't get it together to go get something else to eat. And I'm getting sleepy. I hate the waiting.

I don't think he's experienced enough to date me, at least not the way I want to be dated. He just wants to talk about sex.

It was cute for the first couple of days but now it's like, don't you want to get to know me. Part of me wants to just throw in the towel, sleep with him, and lose all hope of getting to I Do.

I'm royally confused on what I'm supposed to be doing right now.

I thought this would help pass the time, but it's not working. 

And just like that

 We humans are completely ridiculous. I have been groggy and in bed all morning. I don't know if I'm sleepy or if it's just the weather. But I can't get out of bed.

It was around 12n when a little sun peaked out and I was so hungry I got an apple and peanut butter. Since I was up, I put the last load of laundry in.

I was dreading having to go to my date at 1p. A few minutes later I decided to check the app because I don't know if we'd actually determined a place.

And I can't find the guy. I don't even remember his name, that's how interested I was. I scrolled through all my hidden messages and I don't see his last message. I think he unmatched me! Rude. And instantly I feel rejected and want to spiral.

I was already feeling some pitter patter in my pants and wanting to ambush Dan. And now this! I looked through CMB app to see if my backup is still there. He's gone too! What the? 

Although the primary feeling should be glee that I don't have to get out of bed, I'm utterly confused. Now I'm wondering when he unmatched me. I thought I had the same number of matches including him when I went to bed last night.

I'm too tired to formulate a new game plan about dating right now or next summer. I'm just confused. It's so interesting and I guess I should be thankful that this was not the experience I had this summer! I think I've managed to go on 1 date in these 2 months off the app where before I was going on 3 dates/week. So the jury is still out. The biggest risk is the blow to my self-confidence. 

So tonight, I'm left with bowling league at 5p. 

Sun, Oct 23, 2022, Should I stay one more week

Dear Diary,

Yesterday was a pretty good day, not the relaxing cozy day in, but good nonetheless. I got to spend time with Sean and it was really nice. We hugged for like 8 minutes waiting at the bus stop. I already love him! Lol.

I was so happy he waited at the bus stop for me when I was arriving and when I was leaving. Eventhough we've been exchanging some saucy texts, he did clarify when he invited me over tonight that it's just for PG cuddling which was quite helpful. 

Regular Me wants to go, but I think the book would want me to give back after I received something from him. So I think I have to decline. I was going over different verbiage so I think I'm at...just letting him know it feels like a booty call. Which I soooo want! But I want love and commitment more, so I have to be patient! 

I have an app date this afternoon. I want to practice not offering to pay, especially at counter service and letting the silence linger, ie not leading the conversation. 

There seemed to be a small flurry of activity on the apps, and one guy that matched me actually said in his profile he's just essentially looking for a winter fling to get through the cold dark. Wow! So now I'm wondering if I should stay a little longer. Like September was too warm for cuffing season. Hello Landing offers a 7 day stay with their membership which I didn't realize. So if I stay, it would really be for just 7 days.  

I'm just scared of losing momentum with Sean. The upside is that I'll be back next summer, so there's always that. 

Getting to I do, Phase 1 Notes

 I just wanted to jot down my notes from Phase 1 (The honeymoon phase/ The Perfect Phase), Getting to I Do. 

Gist: Be Patient. Practice Self-Centered Love.

Phase 1 Notes

• He's "called" you and you begin dating; to men dating is different from courting; courting is marriage minded
• This is month 1 to 3  (0 - 90 days)
• Don't have sex during this phase (so wait about 90 days; wait till at least Imperfect Phase)
• Don't give more than you receive; and even then, give back a little less
• Men fall in love by Giving
• He chooses the dates
• He always pays
• DO NOT correct, chastise, criticize or argue (with his philosophy)
• Be affectionate (be kind, sweet, say thank you, I appreciate that!, You're so nice! Thank you so much! etc.)
• Do things that make him feel good
• Be pretty / Sound Good/ Smell Good (reading that as upbeat, ie "sound good")
• Don't give until you receive (give back less; reading that as say cook 1 meal after he takes you out to 3 dinners)
• Nourish his self-esteem
• DO NOT be his equal
• Do NOT have sex
• He may be hot and cold, ie "in and out", but don't close the door and don't chase!!!
• Wait to require commitment AFTER he asks you for sex 
• (suggested verbiage from book,  pg 139, 'to feel comfortable, I want to know your intentions, other love interests, etc...'/ longevity, exclusivity, ..)
• Do NOT Demand Commitment (demand = masculine)

• RESPOND to his lead
• talk about him
• reach negotiation phase (phase 3) before suggesting alternatives 
• respect his thoughts, suggestions, ideas, opinions, and plans (even if you know you are smarter and can do it better); be positive and supporting and encouraging; offer affection and respect, NOT advice.. don't GIVE advice = giving, and you are Receiver)
• If something doesn't work, tell him how you feel, but don't attempt to take it over and do it better
• DO NOT talk about your goals and needs unless asked!

ALWAYS REMEMBER

• NEVER ask for
• TIME
• LOVE
• AFFECTION
• SEX
• (me: SALT)
• You must wait Patiently for best offer (and say yes or no)
• Men like giving Things (eg, diamonds, house, cars, etc... so you can ask for Things, just not the above four things)

General Notes

• No nagging rights, just leaving rights
• DO NOT talk about your goals and needs unless asked!
• (Note to self: recognize men are SLOW)
• 8 weeks from the last call is when you can safely move on
• General notes
• woman = feelings first, desire to be cherished, say only what you don't want
• "I feel"... "I don't want"
• man = thoughts first, says what he wants, want to be respected
• "I think", "I want"
• Note: saying your thoughts and your wants is masculine, that makes you the man, the pursuer, planner, leader
• commodities: women trade sex for commitment/financial support; that's the only currency on the table 
• Other things to note
• Be honest! (about hopes, dreams, likes, dislikes, respond with feelings)
• Be available (for play, time, sex)
• Don't say yes to everything (men like a challenge)

Sat, Oct 22, 2022, Cool and wet

 Dear Diary, 

I thought I was going to have a cozy day in today but when I woke up it wasn't as cold and dreary as I thought. It was cool and overcast but it wasn't the rain storm I imagined. So even though I cancelled my attendance for the Meetup, I decided to go anyway.

I'm glad I went. I wore enough clothes and was not miserably cold and shivering. The park was nice. When I took the time to look up the Fall colors looked great with the clouded sun. It was almost magical.

I'm a bit nervous because I think Sean is trying to ask me out, and it's the most pain staking thing ever but I am resisting taking the lead. I already said yes a half-dozen times to being interested in going out with him. 

Anyway, that's what we're doing. 

I should try to jot down my list of things to do in the Honeymoon Phase. 

Fri, Oct 21, 2022, Still in fake love

Dear Diary,

It's the last Friday of my vacation!  Been chatting with Sean via text since around 1p, so I guess only 3 hours, but it felt like forever. It's mostly risque flirty banter. Which makes me feel a bit like if it were real life, he would only be interested in me for 1 thing. That thing. 

I was starting to get mad but I reread chapters of the book to remember my game plan. For the 1st three months, I just have to let him pursue and chase me without chastising him unless it's something immoral or unethical.

It's hard to draw the line via text because I don't actually feel unsafe just cautious that it might go too far and he won't see me as a potential mate. He has asked me a couple times if he's going too far. A part of me does fear we won't have much to talk about if it's not sexual in nature or that he won't find me appealing. I think I'll just keep going until I leave here because I at least want to have a bit more fun while I'm still here.  

Yesterday, I did a good job using verbiage from the book, in fact, of saying what I don't want which was him talking about his close girl friend. I wasn't sure if I'd turned him off but he came back for more today so we'll see. 

I forgot to be more upbeat and positive but I did think it was a good opportunity to practice saying what I don't want. I just think it might have been too soon considering we haven't been on a proper date yet, so I think I'll stick to upbeat and positive ("sound good") until we go on a date. I think I'm okay with a snuggle only sleepover next weekend since it's the last weekend. I do want to leave him with something to remember me by. I'm pretty confident I can resist "going all the way" as the book calls it. 

I think he is very young, doesn't have a lot of experience, and is nice if not a little terse. He apologizes and checks in during our chats, so that feels nice. And today he seemed to acknowledge the 'if/when' of us actually getting to a place where we "went all the way."

I'm very confused on why he thinks that's even on the table when he hasn't even asked me out on a real date. Boys are dumb.

I finished the book this morning so that was good. I really wished it was in audiobook form, but I finally figured out how to use the bookmark and highlight feature. I reread some of the chapter of Phase 1: Month 1 -3, the honeymoon phase. The author is very sure that you shouldn't have sex for the first 3 months until you're into in the Imperfect Phase, so I'm going to stick with that. And definitely not before a commitment.

She is also very clear that feminine is passive patient submission. That is hard but at least so far from what I've seen it makes it easier to observe their behavior. And once I can lean into it, let go of the control and wait for them to give into their biology.

I already feel that the ego stroking I do for Sean helps him be more assertive, so to see a nice return on practicing the ideas on the book is encouraging. 

 I plan to jot some of my notes down from Part 1 on the blog so I can reference it quickly in time of need. I have to figure out a way to get it as an audiobook so I can listen to it idly sometimes for a refresher. 

I think by next Friday if he still hasn't made plans to hang out 1 on 1, after boardgame night, I'll just say something like, do you want to show me your 3D printer? (I'm asking him what he wants, instead of saying I want.)

Thurs, Oct 21, 2022, I'm happy

 It's already Friday on the East Coast, but it's only 9p in Seattle. I've been on a roll lately for posting everyday and didn't want to break my streak.

I'm happy.

I texted all yesterday with Sean, and that felt really nice. I wasn't sure if I would get a good morning text today, and when I didn't I felt uneasy. I changed his name in my phone from My White Boyfriend to just his name. 

He texted me a little later in the morning and that was good too. I had therapy in the morning and that went well.

I didn't even have the energy to spend on crafting any more messages to Dan. 

I texted with Sean most of the day.

Just got back from another board game meetup.

I'm reading the book Getting to I Do, and to me it's helpful because I am definitely the picture of what not to do. 

I am going to board game night tomorrow and Sean will be there. The French girl is going with me.

Have to sort out a missing package from Walmart. 

Toodles! 

Wed, Oct 19, 2022, That's not the way time works

 I love talking to my white therapist. He's good at compliments. I was again lamenting about all my dating woes.

And he was trying to say people meet people at all stages of life. He will not concede the racism point, so I probably should stop trying to convince him.

But I basically was like I don't want want to meet anyone in my 60s, I want to meet someone 20 years ago. And he just said, that's not the way time works.

Whoa! Game changer.

Why can't I have been born a man. 

This is why we need all kinds of energy in our life - male and female energy. I was raised and socialized with way too many women!!

But I'm also in an extremely great mood right now because I pretty much texted with Sean for most of the afternoon and evening last night. And it was great. We are flirty friends and we both acknowledged it. He didn't ask me out and doesn't seem to have any plans to, but at least I don't have to guess.

I did as much as I could. So additional worry is unhelpful. Learned that today in therapy.

I mean we're saying it's therapy, but it's really as simple as - I'm happy when I get what I want. There's no conditional statements.

It's weird too because when the therapist is suggesting that I can message Dan and wait for his response (even if it's unlikely), it seems less like this self-injurious thing. And I realized, more than wanting to ride into the sunset with Dan, I wanted to self-injure myself. I wanted to displace the hurt I felt with Sean with a new hurt.  

(Another therapist had suggested to relinquish the past; another had said to forget about dating, etc...)

I'm glad I made the choice to seek out a therapist that was less like me. I have enough of my own voices in my head. 

Today's events include, walking in the park with Eve and trivia with Michelle.

I have some leftover guacamole to eat. And oh, without the meal kits, dinner is a bit more of a challenge.

But I went to Laredo Grill last night on the recommendation of A Purple Life. So I might make my way down my restaurant list.

I can't believe it's already Wednesday!

On a high note, I think I'll try to save re-contacting Dan for next summer. Of course, I'll check Hinge with a burner to make sure he's still single. And maybe Steve. I was going to ask him if he wants to be real friends, but maybe I'll save that for next summer. And I think I want to keep flirting with Sean, but don't push for an ask out, actually the opposite... just leave it unfinished so there's a chance we can hang out again next summer. 

Potential message for Dan next summer: Hey, Dan! It's MERJ. I'm back in Seattle for a bit. Want to catch up as friends? 

Again, I think pushing him in the friends corner is the best bet to make him want the opposite. Nobody puts baby in the corner!

Next Year is My Perfect Year. Male Therapist says you can use your anxiety to plan (store up your nuts) and then you just have to let it go once you've done all you can. Not his words, but my gist. Any more anxiety after you've prepped is unhelpful.

So I think I was made to be healthy because I love to plan. It's soothing. This is how I was designed. This is what comes easily to me. I was perfectly designed. I don't know where all these spanners came from to mess up my perfect design. 

My Investment Contributions vs Gains

 I read this article from A Purple Life and decided to follow suit. 

This is turning out to be a harder calculation than I thought. I also am going to provide a caveat that the way this was tracked has changed several times since I started tracking so these are very much estimates. Also, I lost access to my 401k plan's earlier statements when they switched brokers so I can't go back and double check these numbers.

For the first few years when I only invested in my 401k, my tracker had a column for Investment balance at year end and Investment balance at start of year. These numbers are not always the same, so I'm not sure what the reason is for that other than daily jumps. And for some of my 401k from Call Center #1, my notes say some of "my contributions" included employer contributions, but not all of them. In the end, when I left I was vested in my employer's contributions, so the balance is more accurate but the total amount of contributions might be off by about 3% of my salary. 

But yeah, I think why I stopped tracking this was I couldn't find an easy way to track or calculate the cumulative contributions in each of the accounts while also tracking the full portfolio balance. 

And even though the column in the chart below says Portfolio Start, in the later years, it was what I captured as the estimated balance at the End of the year. Oh well. Again, just estimations. A Purple Life uses these numbers interchangeably.

But here's where we are so far. 

Year	Portfolio Start	Investment Add	Investment Gains
2015	$0	$1,756	-$32
2016	$1,724	$11,626	$866
2017	$14,216	$32,472	$4,645
2018	$51,333	$41,350	-$8,868
2019	$83,815	$36,818	$25,749
2020	$146,382	$83,662	$35,648
2021	$265,692	$109,354	$68,272
2022	$443,318	TBD	TBD
	Total	$317,038	$126,280

Suffice to say, Purple had far more significant gains from the market. She estimated just over 50% of her portfolio is from market gains. Mine is just shy of 30%. Yikes!  This is why I've been vacillating from the target date fund to index fund. She is in all stocks and it has served her well. 

Here's her data:

A Purple Life's Contribution vs Gains

Should I switch my robo advisor to 100% stocks instead of the 80/20 allocation I have now? Considering I have the series iBonds, this could be something to consider. And also 2 huge 6-figure target date funds, I think I might have enough bonds. 

Index funds are just so expensive! Maybe for 2023, I can move my 401k over to just the index fund vs the target date fund it's in. I think a lot of what curtailed growth for me is when my 401k provider switched and I lost all that sweet, sweet basis and started at kind of the top of the market and the market has gone down since then. 

She started making big gains pretty early on in her investment journey. It does give me some food for thought for future allocations. I can't sell any of my target date funds at the moment because it would be at a loss, but I can try to reposition new money into index funds I suppose. I have to sleep on it.

Why didn't I take more advantage of this down market?

It's a question whose answer I want to document for posterity. I was trying to mentally survive. And that meant spending money to get out of my Death House. And for all intents and purposes, I lived an 10 extra months and counting. So... money well spent.

 

Tues, Oct 18, 2022, Lowest Offer

 My Brain and I were battling again yesterday. It was my first full day all alone with no contact with the outside world, after about a 10 day streak of going out daily, and I failed miserably. It was like coming off drugs, I imagine.

I felt so rejected and wounded because Sean didn't message me at all on Sunday. It was like the week before all over again. I said in the text message that we can chat again on Sunday if he wanted or see each other at game night. But crickets.

It hurt my feelings immensely.

This wasn't part of my game plan. I was trying to draw this out so I would have something to look forward to my last two weeks, but this is not working out that way. In my fantasy, I actually thought the cancelled plans was a ruse and he hadn't actually planned a hike, but I found out he really did and I think must have already postponed it by the time he reached out to me. (That's why I couldn't find it on the Meetup calendar.)

But then my thoughts were right. Why didn't you invite me on the hike? That's how this whole thing started.

I think I want to skip Friday's game night and see if he responds to that. If he doesn't, I just have to let it go.

But yesterday, Brain was relentless in getting me to contact Dan. I just couldn't find my way out. I planned a story. I looked at bus routes, uber. I crafted messages I could send instead. 

I even called Frenemy. That was a fail because I was obviously in distress and although she answered she said she couldn't talk long because she had to go to sleep because they had family pictures ...in the evening. And also her comforting style is to shame me and remind me of past negative outcomes. I prefer someone who builds me up. This has been a continuous issue I've had with her. I think it's the way she was socialized. This was the issue I had with the other Black Girl I tried to be friends with. 

It's like if you're a druggie calling your sponsor, and instead of them encouraging you, they tell you how worthless you are and that you're just going to stay a druggie forever if you take that hit. Not helpful.

Yeah, as much I'm trying to live a solo life, I need a couple people I can turn to when I'm in distress. It is categorically NOT Frenemy or Maryland Aunty.

And somehow, again, even though Frenemy was sooo sleepy, most of the conversation was about her. She suddenly had lots of energy to talk about that. Yeah, so zero flocks given when she pressures me to call her ASAP or wants my phone number. It's like the dating app duds. What's in it for me, son? 

So as much as the truth is I did want to try to seduce Dan last night, this morning I downgraded to my lowest offer of friendship. The newly formed plan is to offer friendship and say romance is off the table. This is good for two things... he's someone who likes to push boundaries, so hoping reverse psychology works. And if it doesn't, if we do stay friends, maybe I can seduce him next summer. It'll certainly give me something to look forward to.  Either way, I'm sleeping on it today and am going to run it by my counselor tomorrow. The plan is to send the message tomorrow on my way to trivia.

I decided against using one of my current numbers. I will create a new Google voice number and I hope against all hope I have enough resolve to not delete it before I leave here. So that will give him about 10 days to respond. 

I think I have to do this because telling myself not to makes me want it more and I  KNOW given my history, the holiday season makes me feel all the feelings, so honestly it was inevitable. It's either get butt-hurt here where I can walk away from the pain or be tortured back at home in NC.

I did want to get into some mischief last night, so liked a message Sean posted hoping he would see it and it would trigger a response. I also requested to join that hiking group. Ha! Then I messaged some randos on the apps. Nobody really responded before I went to bed. 

Today, I'm going to try again and keep my phone off until Wed, sunrise. 

I need to know I can be by myself. And I usually can without boy drama.

This feels like budgeting for some people. They can't find a system that works. Except I have even less practice. I would really prefer not to be on the apps next summer. I can't take the turmoil. But given all the dates I was able to go on this summer, I doubt I'll be able to convince Future Me to stay off the apps. She's a glutton for pain. 

I was ruminating on thoughts of being more straightforward with guys in the beginning - hey, I'm looking to date, don't waste my time. Hey, I only give my phone number out to people I'm exclusive with. 

In the off chance I get a repeat of a Sean next summer, I'm not really sure what to do. I know that even in My Perfect Year, it'll be hard to deny myself even a morsel of romantic love, even if the chance is ever so slight.

So early this morning, I read A Purple Life's new post on her contributions vs her investment gains and I think that will be fun to post later today as well.

I took another look at my planned budget for next year, and for the most part it's unchanged. I have loosely gone through the exercise of what staying in Seattle would look like, but I think living off $69k would still feel tight. And I wouldn't be able to save what I want without relying on my bonus. And my personal goal is to budget only for my base pay.

It's easy to live off $30 to $35k in NC because it's such a small portion of what I actually take home. I know mentally I have a big buffer between my expenses and income. 

Living the same basic life in Seattle (while carrying my NC house) would cost me between 60-70k. And that's just not a place I want to find myself. Even with a hefty FIRE cushion. That being said, I would do it if the benefit was life with a partner. 

Just wanted to re-affirm that for myself as moving day nears. 

Anyway, I think I'll write more later. TTFN! 

P.S. - I think I'm going to reach out to Steve to see if he wants to be friends. Real friends. The potential benefit here is two fold- we can get out of limbo, I might get a friend, and I want to see how he reacts to this messaging and get a baseline for either other guys or Dan. Plus, it's on the app, so if he says no or ghosts, he is finished when I delete the app at the airport.

P.S.S. - Accomplishments

- Didn't crazy girl and go over to Dan's last night

- Removed him from being shown on Hinge

-  From sunrise to sunset, succeeded in no-contact with the humans

- Posted a blog post last night

- Cried instead of trying to end my life

- Didn't message Dan

- Made steak and potatoes

Cuddle Me!

 I've tried so many things, short of turning my phone off. I DESPERATELY want to do a drive by Dan's house. Like right now. I just want to be cuddled tonight and for the rest of my life, but particularly tonight and the rest of my trip here.

I've tried to read so many articles.

Yes, he doesn't want me.

Yes, I shouldn't chase him.

Yes, when he says he doesn't want a relationship he means it.

But my brain won't let up.

Go, go, go!

You must go!

This is the same brain that has convinced me to end my life, so we know it can't be trusted.

I can't find anything else to do to distract myself.

I said I would spend the day with myself with no human contact.

Well that is backfiring spectacularly. 

Someone, please pay attention to me! If I hadn't deleted all of Sean's contact info, he'd be the sacrificial lamb, but the only person I can contact is Dan because his information is all over the internets!

Woe is me. 

I've downgraded from showing up unannounced in a potentially $60 rdtrp Uber, to a text message or inviting him to my Google Photos (obvi to see all the things I've done without him.. ha, I don't need him!). 

Showing up unannounced still seems like the best option. It just seems harder to ignore. High risk, high reward but also highest devastation.

But I mean, I'm firing on all cylinders these days.

I know how crazy it sounds and in actuality, is, but I just can't help it.

I just want someone. Anyone to love me!!

I know it won't be love but it's a lot easier to pretend when there's a body to play the role and not just your imagination.

Mon, Oct 17, 2022, A drive-by

 I was awakened this morning by the fantastic thought of driving by Dan's house tonight.  I know he teaches tonight so I figured I'd leave here around 9p. In the fantasy, of course, I would show up in my 1 date-y dress, pretend I was just coming from a date.

I'd buzz his door, he'd let me up. He'd either immediately try to get horizontal with me or in the fantasy, we'd just talk, snuggle, get back together and live happily ever after.

Then I started to cry.

I thought maybe I'll send him a message on Hinge with my location and dare him to come by. But that would make me way too anxious waiting to see if anything happened.

I googled driving by your ex, and it is categorically a bad idea. I landed on a therapist's page and they said if you do unhealthy behaviors, you will be unhappy.

I think I always counter that with - I'm unhappy now, what's the difference? Doing nothing means I definitely won't ever see him again. But at least this action creates a stir of activity which in the moment feels better than nothing. 

I still want to go.

I'm super bummed Sean didn't text me yesterday. That sucks a big one. I guess again I was too direct.

I'll say it again, the only reason I would want to live is for a chance at Big Love, that pure perfect love of my fantasy. It's gone from the filet mignon of my teen years to at this point just Grade E fast food chain taco meat. But a VERY BIG PART of me still wants it. The more I feel it's not going to happen even at taco meat level, the less I want to live.

Yeah, she's going to end her life over a boy she never even met. What's the even  crazier version of Romeo and Juliet? 

I don't want to spend any more nights alone, especially Sundays.

Can I tell you my big speech for Dan..

He buzzes me up after I say something like, hey, it's me. (this is the biggest unknown, what if he leaves me out in the cold?)

I choose you. I've been on a ton of dates since you. And I want you. You stubborn, boundary-pushing, profanity using, bald, racist, pot-smoking, atheist. I have enough confidence for the both of us that this can work. We can go at your pace. 

Let's just get to know each other (with our clothes on).

I just want to snuggle with him again. 

I don't know yet how we would stay in touch because texting makes me anxious at this point. 

Maybe I just let him know I'm coming over tonight, that way he gets a heads up. 

In other news, I think payroll has completed Step 1 of getting my taxes withheld properly. Now, I have to wait and see if they will retro-act the taxes they withheld for 2 erroneous states. Here's hoping.

So the jobless Ice Cream date guy has been messaging me. I don't know what I'm going to say if he wants my number. Desperate me wants to say yes. Rational Me is like heck no. I'm not attracted to him and he has no job or direction, so when would we even see each other? We could be friends I guess? I'm going to give him a hard time though because I want to know what the texting expectations are.

And then there's 2 guys on the app. 

In a rational spell, I really don't want any of them, Dan and Sean included. I'm ready to just get back to NC and get ready for my Perfect Year.

Lamentations!

 Today was not great. I woke up in a mood...I think. It's about 6p PST and I feel crummy. I am on the verge of tears and really have been all day.

It was extra hot today and not thinking about it went to bowling anyway...it was indoors after all. But I had to walk a little over half a mile to get to the train station. The slight incline never felt so steep. I was sweaty and dehydrated by the time I got to the train station.

I persevered. Felt kinda woozy by the time I got to the bowling alley. Started to feel a bit like low blood sugar so begrudgingly ordered boneless chicken wings, fries, and a frosty drink on slight urging from the bartender. It was too much sugar all at once and I felt sick almost instantly.

We bowled 1 game and I said maybe 10 words and immediately left after my last ball.

I wanted to cry the whole time.

I wanted to do a crazy girl drop in at Dan's. I looked up his address on Uber and even put it into Maps. I thought about it from the moment the thought entered my brain and continuing until this moment. I thought about texting him. I thought about messaging him on the app.

Then I thought about messaging Sean. 

Luckily I deleted all traces of Sean from messages, contacts, and the text messages that get sent to email. Good thing too because I was feeling quite desperate on the bus ride home.

I've got belly bloat from a meal I didn't enjoy.

I used to wonder why more slaves didn't drown them selves on the ride over. Turns out they used to put netting on the sides of the ships to prevent this.  I wonder why more slaves didn't burn down their master's houses while they were sleeping. Probably because they'd be tortured. But what is life enslaved if not pure torture? 

Did Christianity subdue the slaves from violent uprising? They should've died instead of hoping for a better outcome that never really came. 

More and more My Perfect Year seems like the right decision. I'm like 98% disconnected from the rest of the world. No one really takes too much notice of my comings and goings. I'm like a shadow person. 

In my final year, maybe I show up crazy-girl style at the homes and families of all the boys I've ever loved. What would be the purpose? To accelerate my end of life plans I suppose. 

Where did it all start

Ryan is the most memorable

Tim and Kerry

Daniel (from undergrad)

Mr. Rooz

That one boy from grad school

Andrew

Greg

Mark

Joe

Stephen Thomas

Dan

Sean

I'm sure there were some minor ones that didn't even make the cut. 

Just another Sunday singing the blues.

No one ever turned back and looked for me. 

I paid for shipping

 It took about 15 minutes to make the decision, but then I got tired of thinking and just clicked Purchase. Yes, friends, I just paid $7 to ship a $6 product. But my apartment is overrun with gnats. I'd seen a couple but when I went to take the trash out, I let out the beast! I guess they had multiplied in scores in the very closed trash can. 

Now that I've seen them, I can't unsee them. It's made me not want to cook because I know they're going to be flying on everything. And that's frustrating. I hate gnats! And really all bugs. 

I quickly Googled some sort of DIY gnat trap but didn't have the heart to scour through dozens of websites to try to cobble together something with the limited supplies I have here. So I went to Amazon and then Walmart. (So I did some bargain hunting, I'm not a maniac.) Ended up spending about a dollar more at Walmart because they don't add tax until the end and by then I'd already closed the Amazon window. Well, I get it allegedly 1 day sooner with Walmart. 

I'd thought about finding something for $30 that I could return but that wasn't as easy of a search as I thought. So I abandoned that idea; hemmed and hawed some more, then clicked Purchase.

My gnat trap will be here Tuesday.

Whee! 

Thanks, money!

So the apartment is tidier than it was an hour ago. I decided to wash some towels and have the dishwasher running a load.

I hope to cook the last meal between now and the next few days. 

I know I technically have 2 full weekends left, but it feels like just 1 more weekend left until my time here is up. 

I've been loosely toying with the idea of doing a money diary, but I don't really like the idea of interacting with my finances on a weekly basis. So I have to let that idea go.

In two weeks, I'll be done with dating for good. That'll be nice.

In the off chance that something like Sean happens next year, My Perfect Year, I just won't linger or make it as easy. Or cut it off at the head. The heartache to date has NOT been worth it. 

Next year, I'll be pure, unbroken, unbeaten MERJ 2.0. My last year. I'll be a martyr for all the hurt and abused women of the world. These duds don't deserve us. They missed out on a rare gem of beauty, kindness, intelligence, and loyalty. Sucks for them. The world will be a worse place without me in it. 

Sun, Oct 16, 2022, Still don't like pasta

 Dear Diary, 

I woke up a bit groggy and around 8a PST. As much as I love this apartment, the road noise is a constant companion as well as the alley noise. And I really need a couch. My heartburn is back because the bed is more comfortable than the chair. Even though I try to prop myself up in a seating position, I inevitably fall back into a supine position. 

That being said, I love the location. It's a bit off the already not very busy street. And all the dishes and kitchen supplies have been fun to use. The shower is a bit wonky and the washing machine kind of stinks. I hope next summer there are more affordable options other than this one. 

Anyway, I didn't come on here to write about the apartment.

Accomplishments:

- Went out last night

- Didn't bother bringing home pasta I didn't already like

- Covered my face in a group shot (then the organizer snuck a picture of me anyway, told me about it and deemed it was okay because my face mask was on... I wanted to stab him in the throat. I pretty much hate him. What's the point of self-advocacy if these dudes just cross all your boundaries. Reminded me of my last boundary-crossing flings. I can't wait to be a serial killer or at least a serial punch people in the throat person). 

I think what I don't like with these boundary crossers is they make you think what you want is not important. Kristin and I kind of discussed this. I guess she had this issue come up with her ex. Well if she is trying to avoid it, she probably shouldn't be canoodling with the organizer. Weirdo.

- Texted a boy (is that an accomplishment); well...texted a boy with no expectations (well I did wake up in the middle of the night to check my phone)

- Made cookies last night

- Haven't been frantically checking my email expecting contact from really no one

- Cut up the mango and apples

- Removed makeup before bed

I made it one more day and my expectations of others are just a little bit less.

Today, maybe I'll watch a movie if I can stay focused and start getting ready around 2 or 3p for bowling. Not sure if I'll get around to cooking.

I'm confident I can spin one of my lazy communicators into a date before I leave. So that will be done and dusted. I can finally leave my dating nightmare behind me. 

My fast processing self has already processed the next 2 weeks. Not much planned by way of Meetup - possible Wed night trivia, Thursday walk with the French girl, Friday boardgame meetup with Sean, Sunday bowling. Then work my last week...groan. Then pack up the last weekend.

I kind of decided not to wash the sheets again. Just don't feel like it. Might wash the towels. And with no plan to get any more meal kits, not sure how many dishes I'm going to have. 

Sat, Oct 15, 2022, A night out

Dear Diary,

 Wow, I went out like a normal person (in their 20s). Of course I didn't really want to because it was a bit cool and dark last night. After the sunset around 7p, I was down for the count. But Eve came by a little before 8p and out we went. 

It was actually pretty chill. Again, somehow divorcing myself from this pressure to be interesting or even fit in has been nice. Eve is also pretty chill for a 20-something year old. 

At this point, it's safe to say the majority of the events I attend are composed of Indian software engineers. Indian as in born in India. That's fine. If the baseline goal is just getting out of the house and having something to do, it's a decent crowd because everyone is pretty friendly and there's no pressure of romantic entanglements. 

So this morning after many versions of the text and my brain being flooded with weird dating advice from the past, I sent Sean a response. 

If he doesn't respond, I'm actually okay because I now know his follow-up time is about a week. Weirdo. 

Still nothing from Steve. Weirdo. Ice Cream Date guy did send a nice follow-up message after the date. And 2 old guys that I tried to go out with last weekend have again made loose plans about hanging out. Yawn.

I'll probably follow-through with at least 1 of them just to get a third date under the belt.

Other than that, I think today I'm taking it easy. No regrets about not hiking. Felt a little bad about not going on the Sunday trip but it'll be nice to have the day to myself. Look at me, turning down events! If I go out today and tomorrow, I will have gone out 10 days in a row!!

So I'm going to watch some shows, eat some snacks and then head out to a very generic dinner later. Hopefully it'll be cold enough outside to make heavy pasta taste good. 

I always just end up feeling a little groggy until the sun comes out. 

Oh in case I haven't told you, I decided not to go to the grad school reunion. I thought it was the same weekend as Amy's party but it's not. It would have been fun to do random spontaneous things but I don't really feel like navigating a weekend in SF by myself. 

Anyway, I think that's all. I might post my new budget on the Budget page just to have it up.

Oh, yesterday I got to talk a little bit about FIRE. There was a very stressed engineer worried about money and being overworked. I tried to show him some links but I doubt if anything stuck. He did say he's trying to save 50% of his paycheck, so I think the seed has already been planted but he might just need some fine tuning. That's definitely where I was when I started my FIRE journey. 

Ok, off to lounge around till dinner time! 

Early sunsets

 I am already feeling the effects of early sunsets. I don't want to be dramatic but I can totally see myself quitting my job if I had to wake up before it gets dark all winter.

So the decision to move back to NC for winter hibernation remains a solid one. I am still in awe that this is my life.

I went through another iteration of the exercise of trying to repackage my life wherein there is a different outcome. Today we entertained - maybe you had to go through the struggle of Aunty MERJ's death and that period of devastating loss in which you truly appreciated how much support she provided for you to ready you for the love of your life.

Nonsense.

I've always maintained I'm not someone who had to know bad to appreciate good. So Brain was challenging me on this that I never fully appreciated everything my aunt did for me until she was gone. 

But I don't buy it.

The alternative life for me was falling in love with my high school sweetheart and living happily ever after. FIRE and all the other things aren't better outcomes. They are just different paths because my chosen path didn't work out.

So, Death it is!

I'm still missing Dan. I just am.

I went on Ice-cream Date this afternoon. I should've guessed that a human adult being available in the middle of the day probably was indicative of joblessness. It didn't even occur to me. But "in-between" gigs he was. I don't think I've ever found a trait more unattractive. 

I paid for my own ice cream and took the bus home after about a couple hours of idle chat.

Blah. 

This isn't helping in huge strides to get over Dan. 

I'm meeting up with the French girl in about an hour for Happy Hour. I want to be mad at myself for agreeing to do this but the alternative is just falling asleep. So this will make tomorrow even more blissful.

I forgot to get eggs! I think I'm not completely committed to making banana bread though, but I probably will for evenings (and mornings) such as this. 

As much as my defacto dating coaches have lauded letting/making the guy pay, I still paid for my ice-cream. Even I realized this summer that I prefer when the guy pays because it makes it feel more like a date. But I think I just prefer to pay because it takes the pressure off me. I think other girls are more vocal about boundaries, and I'm just not them. I think a lot of my pre-conceived notions about dating and even dating dangers are from TV/popular media and are often not that realistic or common (ie, sex on the 3rd date, and feelings, and talking/not talking about certain things).

I like paying for myself and finding my own way there. I like being able to independently come and go and not be dependent on the other person. Oh well.

I just want to sleep. It's a bit chilly in my apartment and the sun has set. It's only 6:30p so I can't fall asleep or I'll be awake again and it'll still be Friday!

Ugh, I think I'll fit in 1 more lazy date before I leave, just not sure when. That'll make 3 which is a good effort. 

So I think leaving mid-October will be a good thing after all. 

The weather is surprisingly similar in both places and the days are about the same length. But staying until the end if my workload makes sense works too.

Wow, I can't believe it's just about the holiday season. I feel like Halloween is kind of the beginning of the end of the year. Or at least the beginning of holiday season. I mean nothing really happens in Nov and Dec anyway. So it's like a 10 month year. 

I'm looking forward to a glorious last week off. I don't think there are quite as many events so maybe I will have some time off to just get heartburn from eating too many snacks and meals in bed. 

And maybe take shorter walks in the park. Walking the whole loop is pretty boring. I thought I would enjoy it more. 

I still have a few restaurants to try so that might be a thing I do. 

I have the bowling thing Sunday but Michelle organized a haunted asylum tour on Sunday, so I have to choose. The bowling thing seems easier because I already paid for it. 

I don't know ...being that active just doesn't feel that appealing to me right now.

There are couple hikes tomorrow and I ended up changing my RSVP on the one I signed up for. Again, as much as I want to be a true Seattleite, I never made it to a hike. 

Both my Maryland Aunty and Frenemy called me yesterday. This was just after declaring I was finally free from their random calls. I took both calls because Frenemy claimed she'd tried calling me 17 times. None of them came through. 

But the fact that I really thought about not answering either of those calls and being okay with it lets me know I'm pretty much there. If they call on a Tuesday, I'm fine to answer. I guess I can call them back the following Tuesday if I feel like it should they call on a day that's not a Tuesday.

With Maryland Aunty I was proud of myself for not really extending the conversation or offering up anything about myself to not be listened to.

For Frenemy, I was very much prepared for "the urgent" please call me request to be frivolous. And it was - should I sign up for this way cheaper car insurance? We talked a little bit about me and there was even pretense of a follow-up call today to talk about my fun night out last night, but surprise, surprise, her mom called and she had to go and the conversation inevitably turned back to her issues. 

Data, friends, data.

Oh! One more thing. Now that I'm actively looking for how others budget/ plan for/ categorize Lifestyle Expenses, I've been stumbling on some blog posts that talk about it. Physician on Fire budgets 2x his Extras costs in his FIRE number and calls it his Financial Freedom Number. His FI number is just what is needed to cover core costs.

I guess I technically have 3 numbers.

The bare bones FIRE budget which is about $20k/year. Which has been tested for both expenses and income via other ways. 

The kind of 'living wage' (name still in progress) budget of around $35k/yr. Which is roomier and has my actual current living expenses - including student loans, sending money overseas, and a little cushion, very, very modest cushion kind of as regenerating emergency fund/unplanned expenses fund. 

And then my new found budget that includes a pretty generous (by my standards) Lifestyle Fund. This is what I'm most excited to explore in 2023. It started off high with some weird math and has finally stabilized to a reasonable amount that eases my anxiety on multiple levels.

Ok, I've stalled as much as I can for this outing. I might just brush my teeth quickly. Dab off some of the oil on my face from the face makeup I applied earlier and put on one of the outfits I wore earlier this week (that's how invested I am in this Meetup). 

And just as I go to review this, Sean finally texted. He's at the board game meetup. If he only knew how many times I checked the invite list! Boys are dumb.

But just like that, I've been revived!

Fri, Oct 14, 2022, An ice-cream date

 Dear Diary,

Yesterday ended up being a really good day. I met up with the French girl and we did the peddleboats finally! Yay. It was really fun. It was pretty sunny on the lake but we got to a few spots with a nice breeze. It was just as fun as I thought it would be. I wonder if I can pedal by myself next summer (<<yep, MERJ makes future plans now).

Then I walked to Ben and Jerry's. They had a dairy free flavor I'd already tried, and the cashier suggested one of the pre-packed pints. They had a bunch of new flavors I hadn't tried before. I didn't look at the ingredients for carageenan because I'm living the soft life. I figured I would only really need 1 scoop. Without getting too into the details, the price was probably about the same. I tried the bananas foster because I'd been wanting to make banana bread in my Seattle apartment and have some cozy mornings. I bought a waffle cone by itself and was off!

It was tasty and VERY sweet. Oh well. I hadn't had much solid food that day but luckily I didn't get too sick. Later that day I finally washed the grapes. I had enough energy to cut and slice the apples and orange and mango but thought it might be too wasteful. I bought quite a bit of grapes so I'll try to finish those this coming week and get to the apples and mango next week.

I only have 2 weeks left and I'm starting to feel the pinch! I didn't make it very far on my restaurant list at all!!

I probably could keep the apples cut for 2 weeks but I'm not sure about the mango. Oh well, it'll give me something to do for next weekend. 

I cooked one of my Marley and Martha meals. It was tasty and again I got to try more roasted veggies. I don't know that I'll ever bring myself to buy veggies to roast but I quite enjoy them in these meal kits.  These meals almost seem paleo. Not overly starchy, it's meat and veg. 

I didn't get to try Every Plate. But of the three so far I think it's Blue Apron, Marley, and Hello Fresh, in order of preference.  And I think the ideal timing is no sooner than every 2 weeks. Supplement with snacks, fruit, and bread from PCC. 

What else. I did the pedalos, got ice cream, cooked. Then met up with the French Girl again for game night. We played pool a bit while we waited for the next game to start. I won Machi Koro! Nice. In the end, these gamer games so far have been just as much fun as regular family night Hasbro game night games. 

It's funny at the end, I've stock piled quite a bit of food. Way too many sweets, but I'm calling it Halloween celebration all month!

I have a date at 2p today. Finally! 

I haven't figured out what I want to do this weekend, if anything. A lot of game nights on tap. I don't know if I'll get a hike in. I'm feeling less motivated to do it than when I first arrived.

If I go out tonight, I will have gone out every night this week! Wow. 

Oh I forgot about bowling league on Sunday, so maybe Saturday will be a rest day!

Thu, Oct 13, 2022, Life Reflections and a credit card bill

Dear Diary,

It's Thursday! What used to be my favorite day of the week. I woke up once I had a title and the beginnings of a blog post. I love thinking about writing to you (in you?). 

I must stop eating right before bed. I wake up with a terrible sore throat. And the cold weather now adds some congestion and post nasal drip. And each morning I'm afraid I might be coming down with something. I'm so sleepy these days. I'm not sure if I want to go out tonight, so we shall see.

I went out last night to trivia with Michelle and Serena. I'd forgotten about her. Some people in Seattle are really hard to read. They don't give you the social laugh when you're trying to be funny. So I didn't expect to see Serena again because she didn't appear to be enjoying herself last week. It's weird hanging around the queer community. I can't tell if people are interested or just being friendly. I guess just assume being friendly until proven otherwise. I guess because does it matter anyway? Anyway, admittedly I did get a little nervous having alone time with Serena when we were waiting for our train together. I think she's ('they') are pretty cute. So that made me feel a little anxious and giddy. I don't know how to calm myself down. 

And then when Michelle asked me to go to an event with her tonight, I wasn't sure if it was a group hang or a friendly date. I declined (after initially agreeing to go), but not because of the uncertain nature of the hang, but because I didn't want to feel trapped in a theater surrounded by people and loud noises. Even though the bars I've been hanging in are loud and noisy, I know I can get up and go anytime I want. I haven't yet, but I could. I feel like in a theater, I'd be obligated to stay.

Anyway, I was hoping today was early pay day, and it was! I'm actually excited to pay off my credit card bill. I've gone through so many exercises of paying off this bill that I'm ready to just be done with it. I don't know if I'm remembering the action item correctly, but if I have enough in my accounts, I'm going to schedule the full payment today. There is something satisfying about paying off the debt. Not really the debt payoff as much as getting the task off my plate. 

I haven't sent any money back overseas for end of September because I'd rather just deal with it when I get home. I have a specific card I use and they have all my information. I guess MoneyGram is international so any other location would have my information, but I'd rather just do it when I get back to NC.

I don't trust my brain and intuition anymore. It's like it has to get recalibrated to Seattle standards. 

I had my first test today of a committee member that I'm trying to get relegated to a Tuesday schedule. I got excited to reply but I think it'll be best to just keep people on the Tuesday schedule. I've been trying to do this for the last 2 or 3 years with mixed results. Mainly it protects me from checking all my devices when I'm feeling down to see if anyone reached out. If it's not Tuesday, then I don't need to get my hopes up. 

I bought a bunch of candy and snacks yesterday and finally walked the loop alone. It was a bit chilly so I might try a long sleeve shirt today when I go walking with the French Girl. I do love Fall! I want to bake something I think. And maybe drink some hot chocolate!  I can't believe I only have 2 weeks left here.

Eventhough I'm kind of looking forward to being back in NC for a bit of a recharge, I'm a bit sad to go. 

I don't know yet how next year is going to go. 

Sometimes I try to go through the exercise of an alternate ending. Is there a time frame that makes sense that I could apply all the lessons learned from the last 40 years and really have 1 more go at getting the life I want? 

But then it's kind of like.. I don't want to... and I shouldn't have to. 

I think just incrementally being more spendy now is probably the best I can do. So spending $70 to join a bowling league (for 3 weeks) and $60 on organic snacks and overpriced fruit seems to align with that. 

Life feels lighter just focusing on my plan for next year. 

Oh, Payroll is messing up my taxes for no reason at all. Shortly after I started, I was able to get my taxes withheld for just NC rather than my company's work location. But for some unknown reason in August, they started withholding taxes for my company's work state. I put in a ticket and still hasn't resolved. 

Alright, let me review this so I can get some money tasks done. My favorite kind of tasks! 

Wed, Oct 12, 2022, I went to karaoke last night

 I don't have a title for this one yet. 

Dear Diary,

Yesterday I went to trivia and I stayed till after 10p. I sang 3 songs and walked to the train station with Luke.  Luke came to sit by me a couple times during the night and that felt nice. Less alone. I think it rubbed Cruella the wrong way because she came over and said something. I overheard her saying he needed to go back and check on the rest of the group since he was the organizer. I think I also overheard her saying something about not liking to see the group divided but she may have been talking about another event. She also seemed to make it a point to mention that Luke was meeting up with a woman on the East Coast this weekend.

The whole interaction made me wonder if Cruella had a problem with me. 

I sat with the group for the first few minutes until Karaoke started but moved off by myself to be closer to the stage. Because I didn't interact with the group much after that, it made me wonder why I waited for a Meetup to even come to Karaoke. Well because it's nice to have the safety net, I guess. 

People will always have a problem with me. It's not up to me anymore to adapt my behavior. That's one good thing about straddling early retirement while in my 30s. I can think like an old person and not give any flocks. 

I finally got to walk home with Luke. It was nice. I wasn't going to ask but I think in the end, it did come up that he was dating a woman (not-exclusively) back on the East Coast. Similar to my situation with Dan, they met in Seattle but unlike my situation, after only a few dates, and she was going back she asked about next steps. I don't remember the exact verbiage. But he was not shocked and appalled. He said pretty much it was too early and given the distance, it didn't make sense to be exclusive. But, again unlike my situation, they text about every other day. 

He invited her to Eugene, Oregon for another dancing event. He paid for lodging and something else. Presumably, she paid for her ticket. He did make a point to say that given where they were in life, flying to see each other was not much of a limitation. I agree! 

Which leads me to some realizations last night and this morning. Dan and I were just not well suited for each other. What happened with Luke and his romantic partner is kind of how I envisioned Dan and me. It's nice to know that what I was wanting and asking and hoping for where not these unreasonable things because they certainly weren't unreasonable to me. 

Also, it seems Sean (the 20-something year old) was not a suitable match for me either. 

Luke made a good point that some of the conversations in romantic relationships are similar to conversations in the workplace - you have to phrase it a certain way. Lube people up, as one of my committee members would say. I can kind of align to that. But corporate speak is really not my forte. 

I'm half-heartedly trying to set up some dates because I don't want Dan to be the last person I date. I also don't want him to be the last person I was ever with either. He doesn't deserve that title. 

In other news, I almost cried a bit during karaoke, even surrounded by people. Even surrounded by people, I felt alone and sad and alone. There were some throwback hits and soooooooo many artists write about love and heartbreak.

Accomplishments

- I cancelled the last 2 meal kits (Blue Apron tempted me with a free offer for a friend. I don't know...if I can get through this last box, I might try to finagle 1 free box for my last week here)

- I signed up for a bowling league. It was about $73, which is kind of a lot considering I'm only going to be around for 3 of the 6 weeks. Oh well. Spendy Me was okay with it. 

- I cooked Martha Stewart's BBQ skillet chicken. It was sooo good! 

    It was so good I copied the tomato/corn recipe into my OneNote and hope to make it again soon. I think the most memorable meals of the 3 kits so far - were the oven chicken with like middle eastern seasonings and currants from Blue Apron and this spice-rubbed tomato/corn mixture from Marley and Me. I was a little bit wary that Marley and Me was just another basic box like Hello Fresh and that Martha Stewart just slapped her name on it. But the spice rub and the tomato corn mixture felt like Martha Stewart. I would say Marley and Me is like Hello Fresh with a Martha Stewart twist. Like it's still basic meals but slightly elevated. That being said although Hello Fresh is pretty basic, I think there's definitely a market for it. It's just for the average American Family who just wants a little convenience added to their meal planning. I don't see any budget conscious family doing it long term though, so I'm curious who exactly their market is. Because the meals speak to Middle America, and most of middle America has access to budget grocery stores and moderate budgets. 

Anyway, I definitely plan to use the meal kits again next summer. (Do you know how HUGE it is for me to say words like 'plan' and 'next summer'??? #progress I feel like A Purple Life. She was always so bold with her proclamations for the future.)

The more I go to these meetups the more I feel affirmed and justified in my decision to come to Seattle to date - lots of dudes with good jobs. Just a little younger than I imagined.

I thought financial security was lower on my list but more and more I'm finding, I'm just naturally attracted to dudes with good jobs. I think I've always been that way. I had a thought last night in my imaginary conversations with imaginary partners, your job is to protect me and keep me safe - physically, emotionally, and financially. 

I think next summer, it'll be easier to be more honest about who I am, what I'm doing here, etc. I think if I ever go on dates again, I'm going to be more straightforward. Even though Luke made a good point about packaging your words, I think the reason I suck at the game is because I don't want to play it. Either that or try to give zero flocks.  I actually don't know. 

I can't wait to eat my leftovers. I ended up renewing my peacock subscription because I want to finish watching Made in Chelsea and Below Deck while I'm here. Well at least Made in Chelsea.

It's just sooo weird to me how functionally alone I am. I am the face of independent woman. I have No emotional safety net. No one to turn to the next time my feelings are hurt. 

Tues, Oct 11, 2022, Loving life...

 I don't know, but the sentiment came to me that I was loving life. I just am. I'm sad, yes. Disappointed, yes. Alone, yes. But still, loving life.

I woke up with no responsibilities. Which makes it tricky to fill the time. But for whatever reason, I feel hopeful. There is something comforting about routine.

I've been going to this one game night for 3 or 4 week now, and it feels nice to see a familiar face. Someone will notice if I'm not there. No, I don't know the names of all these people and I doubt they know mine. I don't know their families or phone numbers, but just to see a familiar face...wow! 

That's how starved I am for human connection.

Although I had deprioritized this in that it wasn't an active objective, it's nice.

Eventhough on my bus ride home, I was chastising myself for "giving up too much of myself" for some young male attention, c'est la vie.

Who cares.

I exist in the shadows, but for one day I had a routine. Of course I was going to game night. The shame I felt for sharing my real name and even brandishing my ID for male attention made me wonder if I wanted to go back to game night. But this morning, I feel differently. 

Maybe in a different life, my Monday would look like... work from 9a to 1p. Walk the loop. Have a late lunch/breakfast.

Piddle around the house. Then head out to 5p Game night.

That's a nice day.

It's very dry here, I can tell because my leg skin is very scaly and I keep waking up with these headaches. When I get back to NC, I might consider getting the mini bottles of water and keeping a case by my bed so I can try to drink at least that every night and see if that helps. 

I love Fall! Nothing like a cozy day and evening.

I got an email for my graduate school reunion next weekend. I tried to register but the page was blocked. Modern Day MERJ knows this is NOT a sign that I shouldn't go. So I sent an email to the contact person informing them of the error message.

My perceived "mess-up" with socializing is not a sign that I'm unwanted and terrible. It's just a thing that happened. I think the impetus was the 20-something year old that hit on me last week. I felt desirable, so this seemed like a possibility. It wasn't, and that's okay. Future information is so darn handy, isn't it. Apparently this is just life. People mistreat each other and get it wrong. Life goes on. No one is condemned.

Even with Dan and The Other Guy. Yes, in retrospect some boundaries were crossed. Maybe it caused me to snap. But oh well. Life goes on. I mostly hate that we didn't end up together and live happily ever after. Ultimately, that's the true crime. 

And like clock-work, happiness is back. Day 11. Hmmm. I wonder how long it will last.

I'm always stuck between doing what I want and doing the things in this elusive rule book. I've had mixed results with both. 

I finally got my Marley food box. Given how long it takes me to cook these things, I think trying to squeeze in one more box might be a bit of a stretch, so I'm going to call it. I think I'll go ahead and cancel the remaining boxes officially.

I have a list of restaurants I want to try anyway. Get ready for $20 mediocre meals.

A part of me is tired of plans and rules and data and analyzing life data points. With no real consequence, I think it's starting to matter less. I really was trying to achieve the best possible outcome. The one that would hurt the least and make me the most happy. But I think this is my resting place. A little hurt, and not that happy.

This is my equilibrium. There's a better word that I can't think of. 

I think it's like reaching FIRE. I really don't have much more to give (in terms of optimizing strategy or aggressive saving or learning more about finances). Spending is both easy and hard. Frugality stays. I like budgets and giving my money a job or a bucket to fill. Those things make more sense to me than other things.

So whether I die in a year or 40, I think I'm finally an old dog. No new tricks.

So with life, same. I don't have much to give in terms of forming new connections with other people or aggressively pursuing them. Living is both easy and hard. Sadness stays. Racism stays. Misogyny stays. My Love bucket in terms of emotional currency to spend is there, I just don't really have much to spend it on. It was there in case of a romantic partner. I'll probably die with it full, much like my FIRE budget. It's unlikely I'll spend much of what I've already saved. It's unlikely, I'll ever get to be that loving supporting partner that I just know I could be. (Notice I didn't used "meant to be.")

I don't know why I didn't get the life I wanted. 

But let's leave those conversations for another day.

Accomplishments:

- Didn't really eat any tater tots last night, I'm getting tired of bar food. Just the smell

- Offered to pay Mitchell $5 for my share of his tater tots I keep eating (past events).

- Heated up some leftovers last night for dinner

- Sent an email to my cousin for financial check-in

- Backed out of an event on Thursday that I don't really want to go to (too big of a space, and I'm not really wanting to sit in a dark theater for some reason)

- I didn't end my life yesterday (is that an accomplishment..nah... the goal isn't living)

- Brought the Marley and me box upstairs and unloaded it in fridge

- Attempted to register for Reunion

I'm hungry. I think it's a day of eating bon-bons and watching TV. I'm half-heartedly trying to go on some dates. There is a part of me that wants to reset my last terrible dating experience with some neutral dates.