I Can't Frontload My 401k and a Dating App Update

 I've been waiting all week for Friday to get here. I wanted to see my last paycheck posted and I was excited for some of the money moves I was hoping to implement on Saturday, Jan 1.

The one I was most excited about was frontloading my 401k to get through that last FIRE hurdle as quickly as possible. But we all know Temperance is my theme for 2022 and boy did it give me a gentle nudge.

While clicking around my 401k plan I discovered that 50% is the max you can contribute per pay period! I'm already at 37%, so that would be about $700 more per pay period. Not quite the dramatic effect I was going for. 

Ughhhhh.

It's a great "problem" to have but not the dramatic 1st quarter effect I was going for. So I'll just be keeping this last leg of this FIRE journey extended for 3 months instead of 2. It just got way less exciting. I don't even really want to change my contributions at this point. 

It would just be fun to say I contributed 100% of my paycheck to my 401k. I wanted to punctuate the moments in this final leg. 

And now I actually have to consider my Bonus which I like to pretend doesn't exist so that I don't pin any hopes and dreams to it. I have to consider it because it adds to that elective limit of about $20k/year. While our company does have spillover, I'm not sure how that works with the bonus. Would it stop the full bonus match? Would it stop the full amount from being taken out of my paycheck?

I'm starting to lose track of why I wanted to do this. I think the main benefit was just this mad dash to the next FIRE milestone and trying to not have any taxes taken out.  But alas, I'm thwarted!

Right now, I think Plan B is just to keep the contributions the same and do 50% of Bonus. That should pretty much max out my 401k and cut down on tax liability I presume. 

I don't know. I have to think on it some more. With not being able to reduce my tax liability as in my original plan, does it matter if the funds are in my savings account or invested from a milestone perspective? 

This is information I just discovered, so I have to process it some more. I think the earliest I could call the race to FIRE is end of March 2022 as opposed to end of Feb 2022.  I think I was just holding my breath. 2 months seemed okay, but 3 seems impossible. I wanted to do something splashy, but alas, slow and steady seems to be the way forward.

In other news.

I deleted MERJ's Hinge profile last night a little before 9p. I feel no regrets. There is a part of me, woefully, that still thinks I'm going to meet someone really soon. I don't know. The more I try to let go of the notion, the more it just feels like it might be my destiny. It's going to be someone really great and I feel like it's someone I've already met. So I don't know. For whatever reason, I don't think my dating story is over and I think it's for the better (as opposed to the absolute worse). This is rare. So we shall see.

I'm still hanging on to Catfish Kate's profile. I responded to Dapple last night at 3a. I don't know what I'm doing anymore. I was thinking I'd delete it by 9a, but now I'm thinking 12n. But I surely don't want to wait until 9p. That's just ludicrous.

I feel sad that it didn't work out between him and MERJ but it's always good to get confirmation that there's nothing else you could've done. I just wasn't the standard of beauty. Nothing I can do about that. 

I do feel like an idiot for sending a lame picture. But in the end even my best picture wasn't going to make me the standard of beauty. He's offered to call Kate twice and she's turned him down. I tried to video chat him twice and was ignored. Enough said. 

I just have to make it to 9p tomorrow

 I don't know what's going on with my mood. I tried all my old tricks. I had Kool Aid. I ate a chicken biscuit. I even had McDonald's and french fries for lunch. I had an "ice-cream" bar. I started my free Amazon Prim subscription to watch Harlem. But nothing is distracting me from this funk.

I was even messaging with a Hinge Match on and off for an hour or so. 

I updated a spreadsheet and everything. And I barely made it to 4p. It's 20 minutes till 5p and that's a bit of a relief. Just 2 hours until 7p then I can watch a movie mindlessly until 9p where I can fall asleep. 

I'm excited for Jan 1 but I know as soon as it comes I will cling mercilessly to this free time. So it's not that I'm excited to go back to work. No. I'm just ready for this mood to pass. 

I'm most excited for my financial goals. And I know I was clinging to the Love Raft because there's a lot of angst with what happens after FI, but I have to let it float away. There's a loose plan to maybe re-assess in March or after Q1 but I don't want to think too much about that.

I'm excited about my financial goals. I'm excited about new money moves. The minutia keeps changing but the general feeling of targets I want to hit is there. There's also this feeling of doom coming with it. Nothing I get that's good ever comes without a grey cloud to match. Nothing. I wonder what it will be. 

Ideally, I'd wait till the workday so I can have something to do during the day until work picks back up again, but I'm excited about Jan 1. I can get a jumpstart on some stuff.

Q1 is going to be a buzz with money moves. 

If all goes well, I want to adjust my 401k to max it out in the first 2 months of the year. I couldn't quite figure out the taxes if I do this so I don't think it will be totally maxed out after 4 paychecks, but I'll need money after that so I'll go back to just the 6% match...

Loose plans

Jan-Feb: 100% 401k contribution

Note to self: Officially/Unofficially declare yourself FIRE'd as of March 1 with whatever balance is in there (or technically whenever that Feb 28 check posts to 401k). 

March: 

Adjust 401k back to 6%

Start hoarding $30k for Year 1 post-FIRE. I'm calling it my FIRE In Case of Emergency Latch. I need a catchier phrase, but that's what I got for now.

If we get a bonus, priority is:

#1 Buy $10k Savings bond (yes, this counts toward $30k FIRE Latch)

#2 (considering) Fully Fund $6k Roth IRA for 2022 (this is new)

Note: I'm thinking of doing it this way, since my savings is going to be in fits and spurts and it's just habit to save for Roth IRA, so who knows. 

Other - buy something nice? expensive? Use it to fund FIRE Latch? Nah. 

Okay. I guess I hadn't thought that much about the bonus because it's bonus money so I don't like to think about it. So...let's do that -- not think about it!

So back to March.

I think just adjust 401k back to 6% to get match.

Adjust DD to live off $2500/mon.

Hoard the rest until get to $30k.

After FIRE Latch Fund is replete, then I think I'll resume the savings goals and allocations I set out for 2022. So back to regularly scheduled event. 

I think this is the final leg of the race for me. I don't know what's going to happen to me personally or professionally or any other -ly. 

But I know by 9p tomorrow, I will have lived 1 more year. I did it. The girl who cried for 2 years will have 1 more year under her belt. 

The 9p clock for tomorrow is just when I decided to get off Hinge for the last time. I want to go into 2022 not waking up at 5a to check a text from a boy!!!

I'm starting out the way I intend to go. I'm worth the freaking risk.  Getting off Hinge goes for me as MERJ and me as Catfish Kate.

I was concerned about the Hashbrown I'm talking to as MERJ who I was messaging this morning. Do I give him my number? Do I let him know it's my last day? Kate would never have to ask! Daily, people are bending over backwards to meet up with her. They treat her like she's the last glass of water in the desert. No stops pulled. I deserve that. 

So yeah, Mean Brain, don't try to trick me later ...like Hashbrown was the only man who I had a chance with. No dice, senorita! 

If I were Kate, he'd be trying to video call or regular call me. I wouldn't have to wonder what if for anything. Carefree Kates never have to wonder. 

As hurtful as it all is, this brings clarity. I never have to turn over another stone. NEVER! I don't think in any aspect of life, but especially dating. Guys make their intentions VERY clear for the girls they're interested in pursuing strongly. THEY do the compromising. They double-text. They are the ones left to wonder. 

I was prideful to think I could change the entire paradigm. I'm just no one's top-shelf girl and that's okay. I was no one's top-shelf employee either and I'm still getting to FI. 

Thanks, Kate, you've given me the tools I need to continue this solo life. I am worth the risk, just no one is betting on me. That's okay. It has to be okay, there's nothing I can do about it. 

I'm never staying on a dating app for 3 months ever again. If I ever get back on, I give myself 7 days, max. Kate had 100+ dates in 24 hours. I might even just do a Thursday to Sunday..in 10 years when these dumb feelings return. 

As long as none of these experiences come back to haunt me, I'm done with this portion of this movie. Change the channel!!

I just have to make it to 9p tomorrow. 

Triggered and Rejected

 Mean Brain has made an appearance. At 5a I went downstairs to check my phone for a message from Dapple (as Catfish Kate).

I've been asking a series of questions as Kate because I'm not confident enough as MERJ to ask them. People will appease a Carefree Kate whereas I would be seen as troublesome. Anyway through the questionnaire, I've learned he's gotten into at least one shouting match with an ex, throws things when he's annoyed (but not at people and not in the context of a fight), and wants kids. 

Ick. Guys who scream and throw things. And I definitely can't have kids. 

Mean Brain even took it a step further. Dapple is asking when Kate will be back in town. As Kate, I want to say just come visit me where I am (jokingly), but I fear he would say yes (even if jokingly). I also want to say, I might stay and see what he wants to do about a LDR. I fear he would be into it (where he wasn't with me). 

So now I'm torn. Should I pull on these threads or try to get him to answer the other questions.

I just feel rejected because this was already a long shot and it's already feeling like it's going nowhere. 

I mostly just feel like giving up to get rid of these feelings as quickly as possible (no surprises there). There are some very lukewarm connections as MERJ. I'm just superficially not interested in blue collar workers.

Does that make me any better than guys who "prefer blondes." I mean yes, because preferring a race is racist.

I think I would be fine for "settling" for something I didn't want if the whole dating thing was easier. It's not like a restaurant where they're out of steak and you get a cheeseburger (which you also like). At least you get a cheeseburger.

But you could settle for something you don't want and still go nowhere. That guy could still be a bad guy and it could lead nowhere.

I need to let go of the bad guy trope though. That is also triggering. Just it could not work out would be better. 

There's so much lying in the initial stages of dating anyway.

I wish I had just been done with the apps a month ago like I said I would. 

I know I can't be waking up at 5a to check texts from a guy I'm Catfishing. Nothing about that rings healthy.

So what's the game plan here, Brain. 

Quit now and cut my losses and future pain.

Hang in there as MERJ?

Keep Catfishing for what? The thrill?

Give Dapple a chance to explain.

All I know is in this moment, this stopped being fun. 

At 8a, I'm getting a chicken biscuit and getting a free trial of Amazon Prime to watch some new shows. I still have 5 days before work. 

I wish my family loved me the way I need to be loved. My Maryland Aunty said I should just accept my Frenemy as a Friend because she rode with me to Vegan Treats. The bar is so low for friends, family, and relationships. It's a societal issue I think. God's love is the goal and we're nowhere close. 

My Income, Expenses, and Savings from 2021

 All the money I spent, saved/invested, and earned this year. Well for the most part. It's only Dec 29 and although I've tried waiting until the end of the month, anxiety and boredom got the best of me.

I think expenses will only be off by about $50 if I get some snacks Thurs and Friday which I probably will because it's New Year's and well, why not!

Here are my financial goals from 2021.

Here's where we landed. Mostly rounded. 

Income: ~$140k

Gross Salary: $139k

(Take -home pay: $46k)

Other income: $3.5k

Notes: Gross salary includes base pay plus a bonus for half of 2020 for performance. Take home pay is pretty low compared to what you might expect. This is due to maxing out 401k and contributing to an after-tax 401k. So the money that actually came through my checking account was pretty low. It was my first year doing it this way, and I think I'll probably keep it up for 2022 with some minor modifications.

Other income is the COVID stimulus check and Bank Bonuses! I didn't try very hard this year for bank bonuses but I still was able to cover over 1 month's expenses with low effort.

Expenses: $14k

My target spending started at an aspirational $26k at the beginning of the year then when I got desperate, I tried to aggressively save on a COVID spending target of $15k.  (Also, I just realized this is about 10% of my gross income this year!)

Here's the breakdown from Mint:

Speaking of budget apps, this was the first year I tried it. I was very apprehensive about sharing all of my data but it definitely made tracking way easier. And for someone who loves spreadsheets, I still manually updated my spreadsheets. It was a good way to double check what Mint was categorizing and I could just do a quick once over of where my money was going. I caught a couple of rogue fees and increased charges that went unnoticed. So that was good! 

I so loved how easy it was to visualize my spending, that I went back and manually added transactions from the first part of the year before I signed up with the app. 

Nothing too surprising here. 

Gifts and Donations are large amounts I sent overseas this year to family. I gave a few dollars to charity and bought a couple gift cards for family members for milestone events. 

Travel - those were some semi-last minute trips to meet up with family. I had some extra time in Q4 and a little breathing room in the budget, so I took 2 road trips. Yay for leaving the house! 

Fees and Charges - are something Mint tracks, but I don't. It's mostly from my advisor fees. I'm still working on what I want do to there. 

Housing is a little lower than it will be in future years because I didn't have to pay my mortgage for about 4 months due to COVID. 

I like clicking around in Mint because it can categorize by vendor so I know I spent a lot of money at McDonalds and Food Lion. That tracks. It's really easy to go there. I can go in my housedress and not feel judged. The basic perks of living in my neighborhood. 

Savings

Goal: was about ~50k

This includes contributions to pre-tax 401k and after-tax 401k. Note with after-tax you can go over the annual max to the IRS max of all sources which is closer to 50-60k/yr. 

What I actually invested: ~$97k

I almost doubled my original goal. A lot of this was leftover cash from our first COVID year and then a reduced Spending Target and a performance bonus that is not factored into my budget. 

That is amazing! That is more than I made my first year at Call Center #1 and pretty much what I made Year 2 and 3 at Call Center #1.  Money is amazing!

When I was crying and anxious and sad most of the year it didn't seem worth it. I couldn't see progress. I just saw this long never-ending road that I was sure I would never see the end of. I'm still not at the end but look how far we've come!

I am thankful. 

I still don't know what to do after I reach FI when before I was sure I would quit working. We still have to see what happens when I'm working independently in my new role. The progress is nice. The reflection is nice. 

I don't think I've fully processed all this so this is just mostly a numbers report card without much reflection. I needed something to do with my night because Mean Brain is trying to drop-by. 

Happy New Year!

Third Day Wall and Other Feelings About Life and Dating

 As I'm used to, that third day of free time just stirs up ONLY negative feelings. Recent bad memories resurface and I question most of my life choices.

I try to revamp my life and outlook for the 1 billionth time to get over the hump and not be back here again. But here I am. 

What was the latest trigger. Well 3 days of nothing to do and then a couple of long convos on Hinge. 

When I feel a guy showing some interest, I get weird. 

I almost prefer the ones that don't like me because I don't have to try very hard and I know deep down I can't change their mind for long but I love to try. 

We'll call this one Happle.

He lives in Seattle, didn't finish college, and works Security for an office building. I couldn't tell if he's doing well financially or not. I know he recently bought a home that is probably around the $500k mark and he has 2 cars. He also bought a really expensive sofa.

He mentioned wanting the DINK lifestyle. 

But even I know what we say we want and what we actually get or 'settle' for are often 2 different things. 

When he asked me what I was looking for, it felt like an interview question all over again. I truly do want different things on different days. 

Some days I do want a traditional guy. I want to be taken care of and courted. Other days I want my independence.

I know I had a weird reaction to DINK. I think I don't want my life with my partner to be dependent on my income. Feels like a lot of pressure. And a lot of my FIRE journey is to not feel that pressure. 

But I'm sure it's just semantics. 

Sometimes I want a long marriage; sometimes I want a casual relationship. 

Sometimes it just depends on what I can see with that person. 

Yesterday I felt comfortable with my life here in Hood Adjacent. 

If I'm honest, based on this year's expenses so far, I'm technically FI. Which is a good feeling that I'm too afraid to celebrate.

I think a lot of what motivates me to stay on the app or rather demotivates me from deleting the app altogether is having to figure out what happens after FI. I've got pursuing a love-life stuck in my teeth because it was low hanging fruit.

The fact that I'm searching somewhere 3 timezones away and literally across the country definitely is an indicator of how seriously I'm taking the love-life search. It's like I want to make it as hard as possible and difficult to start. I'm convincing myself it'll be more romantic, but I know it's because it'll be impossible but I can say I tried. 

People in the dating realm ask this question a lot - what are you looking for, what do you want in a guy. We know already I lost my destiny so I think this is my Desert Wandering Years except I think I will die in the desert as opposed to making it to the Promised Land. That's okay. But how do I die as painlessly as possible?

Living alone is just so much easier. 

Some days I'm ready to pack it all in and move to Seattle on a whim. But financially, what would that even look like! I can't help but want to follow A Purple Life's footsteps. Would I really live in a studio with a stranger. Would I give up my car. 

In that fantasy, it would be cool to pack up and move in with someone. I'd keep my house. Ideally, they'd get to FI or FIRE within 2-3 years and we'd move back to NC. Or somewhere more cost effective. 

I think my brain will only let me imagine a loose framework. The rest can be filled in later. 

I really have no idea what life looks like after FI. I only hope I can come up with some guiding tenets to keep me physically and financially safe. I think that's what I would want as guardrails and either develop the rest as we go along for anxiety's sake or just see what happens.

Yeah right. I've never not had a plan. 

I can't seem to make up my mind on when to get off the app. And when to stop Catfishing. As horrible as it sounds, catfishing boosts my confidence. I have a first hand look at what guys will accept from a beautiful blonde woman. Hint: it's bad behavior. 

 I was initially going to stop Catfishing after the holidays because I would run out of excuses about why I couldn't meet up, but I was thinking like a MERJ. I'm not obligated to do anything with any of these matches. If I don't want to meet up, they'll just have to deal with it.

But again, it goes back to what am I even doing? 

I don't need to Catfish if I'm not on the app as myself. That part is certain.

And I think as much as the distraction is fun, I want to stay focused for Q1 2022 on work and financial goals. I am concerned it will take a little while for work to ramp back up and I'll fall back into the dating app game out of boredom. 

So maybe, just say... delete the app anytime. But for Hope's sake, wait at least till Thurs, Jan 6 at 9a EST. That will give Dapple a full 2 days (Tues and Wed) to see my picture one last time when I'm supposedly back from my device-free retreat. 

I think I made a boo-boo sending 2 selfies to the guys I gave my number to, but oh well. Luckily they don't seem that into me so I'm sure it'll all be deleted soon. I'm not doing that anymore. My app pictures are the most recent. 

As for catfishing, I really only like it now to get background info on Dapple. We'll have to wait for the next emotional flare to see how it goes.

Current Plan with Dapple

Kate is to stop messaging him by Friday. He'll message Friday going to Saturday a.m.

Kate will ghost him Saturday and Sunday.

Ideally, he'll remember by Monday that MERJ is back in town and message MERJ between Mon and Wed into Thursday.

Kate should not be texting him again while MERJ waits for his text next week. 

Ideally, MERJ will not need to message him first. 

See the thing is, if he and MERJ are back on I kind of want to use Kate to get background information but I don't want him to develop feelings for Kate.

And I don't know how long he'll keep the match with Kate if she refuses to meet up. 

Kate will be a good gauge if this all goes to plan. But this is such a long game that I know I'll probably give up on Kate and do something rash. 

There's also just the plan of keeping Kate around even if she's not trying things out on Dapple but with other guys. 

Anyway, there's the scenario of Dapple never reaching back out to MERJ. In that case, I think I have to let it go. I was the right the first time to be cautious of chasing a guy that already rejected you and trying to get out of the friendzone. I don't want to be an emotional booty call for anyone else. 

At the end of the day, I did not get the Christmas boyfriend I hoped for. No one is in love with me. I'm not starting the new year as a new me with a new beau. I'm mostly just scrambling for a ratty consolation prize. And that's not anyone's fantasy. So I know pretty soon all the mental energy I'm putting into this will be scrapped on a whim when I remember I'm the prize. Until then...

In summary, delete MERJ's app by Thursday, Jan 6 at 9a EST.

If Dapple reaches out by then, consider keeping Kate's app for recon and confidence boost.

If Dapple doesn't reach out to MERJ, see what happens with Kate's app (does it hurt your feelings? does it affirm what you already knew?). Probably consider deleting a week later, so Thurs, Jan 13 at 9a EST.  (This gives time for one more rock to be turned, and lingering feelings to resolve.)

On Dating, Family, and Alone Time

 So first, yay! I did not wake up sick. I just realized I've slept 2 nights at home and didn't wake up sick. So, despite my nightmares a trip to my family did not make me sick. That's good news.

I don't want to doubt my intuition just yet.

My aunts are a bunch of yellers. In corporate speak, we would call them passionate. I don't want to ever repress anyone from being their authentic self but the things they say are kind of nasty. 

And when you're not around it all the time, it's just a lot.

I realized that Aunty 1 and Aunty 2 are more similar than I ever realized. It's like they both want to be liked and noticed and need a lot of attention. But they're trying not to show this. I believe they were both results of affairs so maybe there's some unspoken trauma there. Like let me bite you first before you bite me. I don't know. But it's unfortunate.

See this is what I mean when looking for a mate. Or even problems I had with my manager. When you talk to professionals, they give you advice for fully formed healthy humans. The thing is I have yet to meet anyone like that. Everyone is broken and has baggage, so you can set up all your "healthy" boundaries but all it's done for me is keep people out. 

A thought

There's a thought that occurred to me once I got home. You remember how my Aunty MERJ died last January. Well she had a car that she said she wanted me to have. She was cleaning it and wanted it paid off so I could have it. In my grief and confusion and with 2 other aunts vying for the car, it went to someone else in an old will I'd found that was unsigned. It was the easiest thing to do at the time. Anyway, one of these aunts was Maryland Aunty. 

This is getting longer.

Basically, My Cousin that just had a baby gave her old car to Maryland Aunty's son. That cousin isn't particularly generous or that considerate. So now I'm convinced the only reason Cousin thought to give the car away was because Maryland Aunty was moaning and groaning that she didn't get Aunty MERJ's car for her son. 

That's hurtful to realize. I hate being talked about. And I hate that my cousin is somehow trying to be the hero.

The way she sort of infiltrated my life and I felt a little cast out is still something I haven't fully reconciled. I don't know what to do with it. 

I'm reminded of the lady on one of my reality shows who had like 6 kids with her partner over about 20 years but he wouldn't marry her.  But then he fell in love with someone else and wanted to marry her after a few months. I hurt for her.

I don't know if I'm looking to stir up drama because I'm off this week or what. Mean Brain, what are you doing?

The other thing that happened.

This Cousin mentioned that my Frenemy congratulated her on having a baby. She seemed a little put out by it. I actually was caught off guard that Frenemy did that. I thought she knew that Cousin didn't care for her too much. I still don't know how they reconnected when I stopped being friends with them but I know when they tried to meet up it didn't really work out.

There's some unspoken... shame? I don't know. I think they're both a little guilty for trying to start a friendship without me. Ha! 

Cousin even went to my College Friend's Wedding and now I don't even think they speak.

I digress. I take a little responsibility for the mini-lecture I got about Frenemy reaching out because I was the one who told Frenemy. I'd kind of resolved to not talk about Cousin with Frenemy just because I'd resolved to not talk about Cousin full stop but we were trapped in that car together so I just said it in passing. 

More on this subject. I've been having some lukewarm feelings about even reaching out to Cousin about things I hear about her that she didn't tell me (e.g. her boyfriend, husband, baby, new house, car). Now I'm more resolved. 

I just wish I had more of a life outside of these extended family members so that their daily comings and goings would be less important in my life. 

I've been good about not asking about her partner because  honestly that relationship is none of my business and it's not something I was ever privy to and she doesn't bring it up when we briefly reconnected.

Her new life as a new mother is a good reason to keep my distance. She's going to be way too busy to notice anyway. And honestly she's got a good support network so I don't feel bad about it. 

As for the wedding, I only recently heard it was postponed. I'm just going to forget I know and not ask anymore questions. For 2022, mind my business. Obviously, if I have a boyfriend I'll want to show him off but since the chances of that are 0%, I think I'll be good.

On Dating

So for some silly reasons, I haven't quite deleted the app yet. Even though, I'm 85% sure I can't convert Dapple into the love of my life, I'm still mildly committed to the Plan. I at least want to see how far I can get before I give up and let my anxiety and Mean Brain take over. So I'm staying on the app so he can at least have a visual of me in his matches in the hopes he'll be motivated to text me next week when I'm back from break. 

Meanwhile I'm still catfishing him as Carefree Kate to get the questions I want answered. Even that is slow. I don't understand his game. All the other boys are eating Katie up but he still takes his time to respond to her and doesn't do what she says. 

I unpaused my profile because obviously I get annoyed that Kate gets all the attention. And I matched with 3 new people yesterday. I messaged a boy for about 1-2 hours and it was fun! I love the dopamine hit of a potential match. But as always the flame died fast. I did get him off the app though but that was less of a goal and more of mischief. 

The dopamine hit lingers to this morning. He didn't text back. Not sure whether to delete him right now or wait a few days. I think I'm leaning towards just delete and forget it. This is just leftovers anyway. 

Alone Time

While I didn't want to spend my week chasing boys or waiting on Dapple to text me (side note: he likes to message around 9p PST/ 12m EST), I realized I didn't really need Alone Time or Device Free Time this week because the last few weeks have been just that! 

Work has not been stressful and my workload has been light. I've had a pretty cushy time at work. Finally! 

So I guess it was just habit. 

That's all for now. Happy Tuesday! 

Lessons Learned Visiting Family for the Holidays

 Well folks, I did it! I drove to Maryland on Tuesday and got back today, Sunday. So, yes, I spent Christmas with my family!

Did I love it? Did I hate it?

I feel neutral.

Was I right not to leave 2 weeks ago as I'd originally planned?

Did I spend all my money?

Do I now want to live in MD closer to family?

Did I get a respiratory illness?

Do I now know what I want to do after FIRE?

Those were all the things I'm sure went through my mind at some point. 

I feel good about my decision to leave Maryland after a couple days. As I realized a few years ago, 3 days is my magic number. You get there. Rest. Everyone's still happy. I generally want to leave because I have to adjust to living out of my bags and not having all my everyday comforts and conveniences. You have to be nice. You can't duck out. You have to help out and be respectful.

So, I'm sure I would've gotten through 2 weeks there. But I'm glad I didn't have to. It was nice to break up the last weeks of the year. It did help to distract me from the apps. I got to go to a vegan bakery a couple hours away. 

The trip was fine. I'm just pretty neutral about it all. I think maybe that's what dating on the apps offer, and even catfishing a little. Just a little distraction and a little spice to life. 

Will I be so sad if I don't see my extended family for another 2-5 years? No. Will I be so happy if I don't see my extended family for anther 2-5 years. Meh.  I already know what they're like so that hedonistic adaptation is at play. 

I think I fear that in romantic relationships. Because there's so much chatter on keeping your partner interested. And  a lot of it seems to fall on the woman. But after awhile I mean that just feels tiresome.

So yeah, I find it so hard to relate to other FIRE members who just want to spend their free found time with their family or traveling. That really seems to be the only two choices. 

Anyway, the point is I made it to Maryland and I didn't die. Yay! We'll see if I wake up tomorrow sick, but I sure hope not! 

It's nice to be back. 

I spent way too much money way too easily. Luckily, I'd mentally budgeted $200 for this trip. That doesn't include gas, I suppose.

Oh, I guess one tangible upside of not staying 2+ weeks is I kept costs down. I think if I'd gone for 2+ weeks, I probably would've had to mentally budget 4-500 dollars.

All in all, it's a long way to go for a meal. But it was a good distraction so I'm thankful for that.  On the upside, I brought home 3 bowls of leftovers which I'm hoping should last 3 to 5 days. So, yay! I think I decided because I was quite spendy during the trip, to just limit myself to $10-$20 for the remainder of the year. I was originally thinking of like going out to eat often and just living it up a little, but I think I might rein that in. So that was an unplanned for win. I actually don't even know if I have that much left in my allowance for this month. So I'm glad I thought to bring some food back! 

I can't believe there's only 5 days left of the year!

Also, I realized it's good to travel with a back-up credit card. Since I've been living lean the last few weeks, I didn't have much extra money on any of my debit cards. I think one of the many gas stations I stopped at did the thing where they hold like $100 for a few days. When I stopped to fill up a second time, I could only get $8 worth of gas and I knew I had over $100 on the debit card I use for everyday expenses. 

Luckily, I had another debit card with $20ish dollars on it I keep just for silly situations like this.  I was afraid to use the card I have for bills because at this point, I think that card has the exact amount I need for next month's bills and that's it. I didn't want to disrupt that plan only to have to untangle it.

I remembered I had a Churner Credit Card with me, so that gave me a little peace of mind. I think I would've used that before using my Bill Pay Card just to keep things easy. But it was a good reminder to travel with back-up if I'm ever running that lean again while traveling. 

I have some minor updates on my Catfish adventures and I'm trying to figure out what exactly I plan to get out of dating and if that will affect whether or not I get off the app. More to come!

I Made It to Maryland and An Update on Dapple and Japple (An Online Dating Story)

 Tomorrow is Christmas Eve! Can you believe it? 

I made it to Maryland, friends! I got up a little before 5a on Tuesday and drove up. Yesterday I even kidnapped an old acquaintance and we drove up to Bethlehem, PA to visit Vegan Treats. Double yum!!

That was kind of spontaneous. Looks like I still have it in me. 

I easily dropped over $100 yesterday. It hurt my soul don't get me wrong but here we are. Luckily, I mentally bucketed $200 to this trip to Maryland. I just knew things were going to get out of hand. When I'm not in my controlled environment, I tend to lose track of everything.

Yes, MERJ, you function best in a controlled environment with predictable outcomes. I am my least anxious self when I can anticipate outcomes.

Anyway, it definitely confirmed why putting everything on a credit card to track expenses or collect travel points is not the strategy for me. Again, once I have that credit card in my hand, it's like the reins are loosened. I don't know what it is, but it surprises me every time!

So yes, I made it to Maryland and I didn't die. I think I need to remember that 3 days (away from home) is about the right number for me and trying to take big leaps obviously is not the right strategy, at least not this time. 

I've slept 2 nights and I'm not in respiratory distress. So that's a win, but I have a couple more nights yet, so don't count any chickens just yet. 

On Dapple and Japple

Japple - my catfishing plan honestly worked a little too well. Why can't I use my knowledge of humans to actually get a boyfriend?? I don't know. I posed the question about weird online dating stories and he surely brought up his interaction with me. Of course there was some creative license taken where he comes out the hero and I, the Raggedy Ann, dumped. I guess I forgot that people aren't always truthful so the responses I had prepared didn't quite fit.

I immediately wanted to unmatch and end the whole thing. It ruined my mood last night and I went to bed early only to wake up at 5a to check his messages.

After stewing and ruminating, I decided to stick around one more day. (So I've been saying for the last 23 days). I really want to be done with this before Christmas. So instead of immediately unmatching, I came back with a retort just to at least leave a seed of doubt. I mean, why not! Not quite the rejection I hoped, but it turns out my mercenary ways are not my default. 

Temperance helped in this case again. 

I at least get to feel heard in my distorted brain. 

So I think the plan is to send the text this morning as opposed to deleting him. Hopefully he'll respond before 9p tonight so I at least know he read the message. Then I either want to delete that profile or unmatch by tonight or tomorrow morning 9a at the latest. I really want to be done with this emotional disturbance before Christmas!

On Dapple

I'm a little disappointed I have to say. He essentially asked for a selfie, but I didn't comply. And in my mind that is why he didn't text me yesterday. So far we'd been on a 3-5 day streak of daily texts which was Step 2b. But now the streak has been broken. Maybe he went on a date? Oh well. I have to remember the long game.

My immediate plan was to delete my real MERJ profile (something I want do anyway but have been hanging on in case he wants to video chat sometime soon). I immediately sulked and now it's going to be in my mind all day because of the 3 hour time difference. 

I don't know what to do with him. I liked Catfishing him to get background information but since this is a long game, I think that might be mentally exhausting.

Also because of the broken streak and the acute emotional distress it caused I became even more certain that I needed to go app-free during shutdown week next week. If he does respond before I get back home, I want to send him a text to check back in in January. (Do I message him first? Yes, of course, I know my position in life.)

To keep hope alive, I might just push back the deletion of the app until Dec 31. Maybe I'll let him know so that there's no miscommunication for Mean Brain to get hung up on. 

Actually maybe I'll delete the app as MERJ and send him the text later. 

I've been hearing a voice in the back of my mind saying that my time for Love is 2 years from now. I want to listen to that voice.

I don't know, while I respect my long game plan,  I think I just want to be done by Christmas Eve. This whole thing was supposed to be done by Dec 1 but I've been holding on to hope for nothing. I want to enjoy God and Jesus the last few days of the year at least. 

Why would I forego time with The One who Loves Me with a bunch of randos who I've never met. That's just dumb. 

My 10 Step Plan to Turn a Match Into a Boyfriend (And Update on Catfishing)

So as you know, dating as a girl who is not the current standard of beauty has been soul-sucking to say the least. But for whatever reason, my heart is ready for love. Maybe because I'm just so close to FIRE, that I'm feeling untethered without a goal. Maybe it's because my loved ones died in 2020 leaving an open slot for love.

I feel capable of loving someone. I don't know if I'm ready to receive it as willingly as I'd like to be, but I'd like to try. 

I obviously can't give up just because it's harder for me than a blonde woman. If that were the case, we all know where I'd be.

Anyway, because plans are therapeutic for me and greatly help with my general angst, I created one to try to turn my last match into my boyfriend. History: he asked me out for coffee before realizing I was long distance; once he found out said he wasn't trying to start anything long-distance. On the surface, it's a gentle no, but I decided to try to stoke that tiny ember since it wasn't a Hard No.  

Here's the plan I wrote out this weekend:

Reminder to Self: Practice patience/ temperance. This is a long game. Be upbeat and positive. 

Goal #1: Get to Google Voice messaging (i.e. off the app because I really wanted to be off dating apps/ dating altogether by now)

Goal #2: More Regular texting

    2a: At least once a day 

    2b: More than one question/exchange a day

    2c: Text throughout the day

Goal #3: Flirty texting

Goal #4: Get to more substantial texting. Get to know each other

Goal #5: Talking on the phone

Goal #6: Video chat (at least 3 "dates")

Goal #7: Meet in person

Goal #8: Date

Goal #9: Be boyfriend and girlfriend

Why a plan? Like I said, I'm an anxious wreck. I need a roadmap for most things in life. I also tend to jump the gun because I'm so sure of myself and what I want. And like most girls I know, when you meet a guy you're interested in you immediately start picturing what your life would look like with them. (Apparently, all they're thinking about is something entirely different. The rumor is true!!) But unlike most girls, I end up blurting it out or acting as though we are already engaged. Ugh.  But as Paige from Winter House said it best, Why wouldn't you fall in love with me? 

The plan is good too so I don't get discouraged when it feels like things aren't progressing as quickly as I would like (which I automatically round up to disinterest). And it will really help me temper the things I say because at this point I'm ready to be at Step #9 and he's barely told me I'm pretty. 

In fact I already made a boo-boo and suggested we video chat before I even finished Step #1. So hopefully this will keep me in-check. 

Update: I can say that as of Mon, Dec 20, 9a, Goal #1 is accomplished. We are officially texting off the app!!

On Japple

If you recall, Japple was the one I moved way too fast with and told him I wanted to be his wife. It actually was contextual but I think it was the wrong move. It made me get anxious and the conversations got really serious too quickly. Then I had a nightmare that he would be my domestic abuser. Anyway he unmatched me and because I'm a little crazy, I am trying to catfish him to see if I can get Carefree Kate to cajole him into giving crazy girls another chance. Yeah, it sounds just as crazy to read it as to write it. 

It's actually been fun. He was the reason for the creation of Carefree Kate in the first place.

Anyway, I left him on 'read' for 2 days, and he surely double texted. The thing is I already know what he likes so I'm hitting homers. 

This is the plan for him: 

- Play hard to get (done!)

- Get him interested (done!)

- Get him to share some wild online dating stories (hopefully the one with MERJ is included)

- This is the part I'm not sure about..

    - Reject him but in a way to get him to realize how good he had it with MERJ ??

     - Figure out a way to justify MERJ's bad behavior and reframe it as endearing ??

Either way, I really need to be done by this week or the end of the year because I'm pretending to be home for the holidays which is why I can't meet up or possibly facetime. That excuse won't hold up long.

Really bad side note: I am Catfishing Dapple a little as well. It was originally to see if I could make anything out of his response times, i.e. will he respond quicker to a Blonde Girl. But now I think I might do some recon. Try to figure out what he likes and what he's into. 

Now that you've been royally horrified, I'm going to go. 

Hinge Dating Stats: MERJ Vs Carefree Katie (An Online Dating Story)

 Hey, friends!

This post has been written in my mind so many times. I don't know what the angle is other than a brain dump. There's just so much to say, but nothing new that hasn't been said. 

I used to pour over dating articles and recently discovered the Hinge App section on Reddit. There's also a Reddit for Online Dating in general and Dating in your 30s. 

It's all nonsense.

The only secret to successful dating is being the standard of beauty. I think I posted before how starkly different the experience was. As Carefree Katie, the thin white, blonde standard of beauty, I never have to wonder. I get the double text. I get asked out in the initial message. I get asked out when I'm clearly (at least clear to me) not interested. I get asked out with one word answers to their questions. I get asked out after no rapport has been established. I get asked out after bad behavior. They just keep coming back for more. I wish I would've taken snapshots of some of the soliloquies I received on why we would be a good match and I should definitely go on a date with them - coffee, skiing, drinks, dinner. All of it! 

It's so easy to be confident when you literally have 126 other people asking you out on dates. It's easy to be choosy. It's easy to be selective. It's easy to have boundaries. It's easier not to be assaulted because you can reject every red flag. 

You don't even have to be interesting. It's the proof we all know but refuse to believe. In our modern society, when dating guys, it's 100% looks. No matter what they tell you publicly. I guess for me, unless you're actually a killer, how bad can your personality really be. You will get dates; you will be in relationships if you are considered pretty enough by the masses. 

I will say just to even things out by like 1%... I would say of the first 100 matches, there were probably 10 or so that I invited to Start the Chat that have yet to respond. And response time is not always as meaningful as I thought it was. I got roses and large compliments from people who took 1 to 3 days to respond after we matched. So genuinely some people aren't on their phones/ checking the app all day. Yes, they do have lives. But it really is rare. 

As Carefree Katie, I have received no rude or lewd comments. No one has propositioned me or even been slightly R rated. But I will say even as myself, I didn't experience that in Seattle. That was definitely a Raleigh and DC area phenomenon. 

Because it's way more believable and impactful when you have "receipts" here's what I was able to pull together. It's low effort because I didn't want to go through the trouble of blurring out a bunch of stuff.

Our profiles were created on the same day, here are the HUNDREDS of matches that Carefree Kate received:

My phone was pinging non-stop as Carefree Kate. I had to turn off notifications.

Notice 130+ "Hidden" convos within the first 24-48 hours.  All were requests for dates

So yes, as I stated. Within 24 to 48 hours, I had at least 200+ likes. The Hidden conversations are just those I got around to match to initiate conversation.  I had over 100 within the first hour easily. 

Realistically, how would a person even go about filtering through this for dates? 

Here's a screenshot of how low-effort Carefree Katie has to be to get a date.  This is not even including the ones that ask for a date in the opening comment.

Low effort convos as Carefree Kate that still convert to date requests.

As myself, I think and think on the right thing to say. How do I temper my interest and still be cute and bubbly but not too available. Yet not too aloof that they lose interest. For me, it's a little freeing because it almost seems like what I do is pointless. I'm just the girl they have to settle for because Katie doesn't want to date them. 

I'm tired of having to work harder for an experience other people get freely. It's like in every aspect of my life it seems.

So here's my stats over the same time period. Me as myself. 

So 6 conversations (Hidden) and 5 likes. No requests for dates.

In my eyes, I'm cute and fun and funny. I have a great job and a great personality. I think these are things I look for in a guy but really all they're looking for is the current standard of beauty. What do you even do with that? 

A Dating App Update

 So I continue on as Carefree Katie, the Catfish, on Hinge. It's at once both hilarious and humiliating. I mean when you're white, blonde, young, and thin life is just different (read: better) for you. 

I'm getting asked out on dates in the opening message. Again, surprisingly Seattle guys don't ask for your number right away. That is so different than in Raleigh. They want your number right away and to get off the app right away. Or maybe not if you're blonde. I wonder if the experience will be similar if I change my location to Raleigh. Hmm... another experiment for another day I suppose. 

I just think the West Coast in general is more tech savvy and sophisticated. I like dating there even as a Catfish.

But in Real News, of my 3 Big Gestures, I got a response! I actually was supposed to delete the app on Wed, Dec 15 at 9p. But then I thought what if Japple needed time to think (#leavenostoneunturned). So I stayed overnight. By Thursday morning, I just didn't care anymore. I couldn't even be bothered to delete the app. 

And lo and behold Dapple (Boy #2), messaged me back last night that Yes, we could be friends with potential (I made that up - to mean, a relationship is not off the table).  I originally wanted to delete the app as you saw above, but now I don't know if it's too soon to ask for a number off the app. I know I hate giving out my number to strangers. And we already know Seattle guys don't go for the number right away. So I have to try to be patient.

I'm still trying to figure out my goal here with Dapple:

- A text buddy?

- A future boyfriend?

- Just get to 3 (virtual) dates?

I don't really need to get off the app in this particular moment, though other than the implicit heartbreak of No Matches, I'm not really fending off a bunch of matches. 

For Dapple, I namely just want more regular contact. I'm going to be super not-busy the next 2 weeks so some companionship, albeit virtual might be nice.

Oh and as for Japple, I forgot that was the reason I became Katie, the Catfish. I want to see how he interacts with other girls. I did not expect 100s of matches everyday so this morning I was like duh just filter for him. I know he shows up in my feed when I do that, but I wonder if I'm showing up in his. I'll leave it filtered for a couple days and see if he tries to match with me.  I don't know yet if I'm going to proactively match with him if I don't hear from him. Stay tuned. 

I think again I might try to go to Maryland this weekend. I wish I had known our 9a meeting was going to be cancelled. I would've tried to leave today.  Cuz now it's supposed to be raining on Sunday and I don't want to drive in the rain. So I might have to bite the bullet and leave Saturday which I'm pretty sure is a huge travel day no matter how early you leave. 

We shall see. 

On Front Loading my 401k in 2022 And the Dark Place

 Much of December has been spent intermittently reflecting on monetary and life goals. Before quitting time today, a thought flashed through my mind of frontloading my 401k in Jan and Feb 2022 of next year.

I've basically living off no paycheck for Dec and because of that I made sure that Jan 2022 bills are covered by what's left in my bank accounts. It's tight, but I'm surviving. InShallah. I'm not Muslim but I love that phrase.

Anyway, I have enough in my Churning Pot to cover Feb 2022 expenses even though they are increasing when student loan repayment comes back.

So I could try to contribute 100% of my paycheck in those months. I've seen a couple bloggers do it, so I know it's a thing that can happen. 

When I did the math in my mind, I would magically reach my $500k goal, but when I did the actual math,  I will come up short if the market does nothing from now until the end of February. 

Reaching my FIRE number in March 2022 was a silent reach goal if the market added some wind to my sails just doing what I'm doing right now. 

But any swan dives not withstanding, I am strongly considering maxing out my 401k in the first 2 months of 2022. 

It's a combination of a lot of things. Control over some other things I couldn't control (e.g. Finding a Partner); the splash of it all. For a moment, I get to be a Baddie. #sheready. The sheer joy of reaching a goal or just progress. It feels like the last quarter has been kind of slowly ticking along financially. I'm grateful for all of it, of course, but it would be nice to start the year off with something cool. And there's a tiny fear of a Return of the Dark Place when work or life (aka Feelings) goes back into overdrive. 

I just want a little financial motivation to get me through whatever the next hump is. Work has become a bit of an unknown so I tend to double down in times of uncertainty on things I can make known - like savings goals.  

Luckily, my company will still match after tax contributions which was built into my Proposed Budget.

The actual default amount of money I hope to save next year isn't changing, but instead of taking 12 months to do 1 part of it, I want to do it in 2 months. 

On the one hand, it might not make a difference, so why disrupt everything. On the other hand, if it won't make a difference, just go for it for the thrill. 

I think I just wanted to finish strong. I'm about done with the FIRE thing, and I'm ready to move on to other goals.

So there's some symbolism there too. Now that COVID is a familiar companion, I'm ready to just resume life as normal as possible. So this is a kickoff to that, but also a celebration party of the aggressive saving that COVID allowed me to do.

If this were a relay race, it's the 4th leg where you have your fastest runner bring it home. 

I don't know what happens after March because I've made way too many plans that change by my mood, so I just want to get there and finally have a look around. 

Juggling 3 Credit Card Bonuses Is Hard

 Ugh, I got too excited trying to join the credit card churning game. I haven't quite joined the super-churners of churning credit card sign-up bonuses for huge travel points but I dabble a bit.

I think last year I did about 3 cards. I did the... buy gift card and use gift card to buy money order. It was a little scary because it involved other humans. But I had free time then.

Without any real goal there, I kind of let that part of Churning go for a little while.

But then I received my HOA bill for 2022 and it was about $700. I thought hmm, that's an easy $500 spend, let me get a credit card sign-up bonus.

Well suddenly 1 sign-up bonus led to three. Ugh. I got caught up in all the chatter on the Doctor of Credit site and I wanted to join in on the fun.

I originally was like let me just do 2 sign-up cards because I could split the $700 HOA fee across 2 cards for potentially $400 cash back.  For the remaining $300 spend, I could finagle a couple utility bills. Win! 

I even tested the HOA platform to make sure I could split payments. Apparently, I didn't take the test far enough.

Earlier this week I tried to see if I could just schedule the payment for January 1 to make sure I don't forget and lo! There is like a $30 fee to make the $700 payment. I expected maybe a small fee, but $30 was a glaring number. I don't even like paying my utility bill with a credit/debit card because they charge $2.25 for the first $1k, so $30 was offensive. 

Ugh. 

Even though I stood to gain at least $350-$370 in cashback (depending on if I split the cost across 2 cards), I was not happy.

So instead of just sucking it up as a lesson learned, somehow I convinced myself to apply for another card! One of my current Bank Churners were marketing $300 cashback on $900 spend. I thought, sweet. This way I can use 1 card for the HOA fee ($700) and make up the rest. That way I at least get closer to $270. I don' t know why $270 sounds better than $300+ but that's how my mind works. I think because it would be with one transaction vs 2? I don't know.

So luckily I was approved for Credit Card #3. I hope it gets here by Jan 1 when the HOA bill is due!

So now I'm left with 2 Credit Card Spends to meet.

So, now I remember, part of the appeal of getting the 3rd card was leftover from trying to use a CC to fund a new checking account. It's something I hadn't tried before and definitely wanted to!

So I figured I would use Credit Card #2 to fund a new checking account. Ugh! The bank I had in mind required Paypal to use a credit card to fund the account. Okay, another log-in but this is part of the churning fun. I even downloaded the Paypal app because they were giving $5 to do that. Fail! I needed a real cellphone number apparently to use Paypal now! I haven't needed to before but I guess that's a thing now.

Thwarted. I tried to open new checking and savings accounts with institutions I already had relationships (that led you fund with a CC) and was swiftly denied.

Ugh. What was supposed to be fun, now just took a turn. 

Credit Card #3 will be split between internet and power bills for 4 months. Luckily it's a 0% interest rate because I will be a bit cash poor in January due to my aggressive savings this year. It will take a couple pay periods to build my reserves back up. 

So I still just have to figure out Credit Card #2.  If all else fails, I can still begrudgingly go the giftcard-to-money-order route, I suppose. 

That's all for now! I signed up for a free trial of YouTube TV so I have some TV watching to do! Merry Christmas!

Online Dating as CareFree Katie, the Catfish, and Other Observations

 So it's 10p on Wed, Dec 15, 2021. Today at 9p was supposed to be my last day on the apps. I was supposed to write this post tomorrow but I know it will keep me up. So, here I am.

In a moment of lunacy, I created a second Hinge account on my phone. I used some blonde girl photos from Unsplash. I mostly just wanted to ... I don't know. I wanted to Catfish the guy I thought would be the One. Like all crazy girls before me... why not me?!

My experience was both comforting and sad at the same time. 

Side note - I need to read more. I'm remembering bad blog writing and wanting to repeat it. 

Anyway, as Carefree Kate the Hinge experience was immediately different. And here I was so concerned that the guys would immediately notice my pictures were from the internet. But here's the thing - when you fit the current standard of beauty even your red flags are beautiful.

As MERJ, I pored over online articles and Reddit and anything posted about dating - professional or anecdotal. I searched the deep recesses of my mind to curate content of other people's experiences. If I was to embark on this endeavor, I wanted to give it my best shot.

I even had a Bible verse to guide me. Love isn't an option. It is life itself. (Loosely translated by me from 1st Corinthians.)

Before my profile was even completed, I was fielding matches. I had 15 matches BEFORE I completed my profile. As MERJ, I haven't gotten a new match in a couple weeks. (And certainly none today after re-creating a new profile this morning.. over 12 hours ago!)

First 1 second as CareFree Kate

In under 1 hour, I easily had 50 matches. I literally couldn't take it anymore. I didn't even know how to proceed. 

I think in my 6 weeks in Seattle, I had maybe 30 matches TOTAL. And I thought that was good. Each time I created a new profile on Hinge even as myself, the first couple days were the most fruitful. I never experienced this level of matching. 

I'd spent so much time crafting my Real Profile. Finding prompts and pictures that were engaging and would elicit a response. Totally unnecessary as Carefree Kate. Mind you Carefree Kate is a compilation of about 5 strangers on the internet. But the boys don't even care to notice. That's what happens when you're that beautiful.

I remember a recurring theme on Reddit was how annoyed guys are when you don't ask follow-up questions. I often don't agree with this because sometimes conversation is just commentary on what the other person is saying. It doesn't always have to be a volley of questions. 

Anyway, this time with nothing to lose, I gave the hated one word answers and was naturally as aloof as possible. I made no comments on their profile. But they kept coming back for more.

One conversation, I literally just sent an "LOL" and a "great" to his lengthy messages and I got asked out immediately. 

Being asked out immediately isn't that new because a lot of guys at least in Raleigh will ask for a phone number immediately or after a few simple exchanges will proffer a date. 

But this felt different. This guy in particular wrote these long messages and my responses were so deliberately (on my part) so low effort and yet he still went for it with a long explanation as to why after my 2 1-word responses, he felt we should meet up. Wow.

Here I was pining for 2 lukewarm matches when CareFree Kate already has 50+ to choose from after just a few minutes. 

Wow. I don't know if I was better off not knowing.

This isn't too surprising because I think the first time I tried online dating about 5 to 10 years ago, I only lasted a day or less because I thought I was amazing and no one was biting (confidence or self-esteem is not an issue for me) and thusly made another blonde profile to see if it would be different. It was - much of the same results as my 2021 Carefree Kate. I didn't stay long enough previously for it to fully register. Just confirmed some initial suspicions.

But after about 3 months of actively and intentionally trying to date this time around, this disparity hurts.

I've seen it before. 

I was actually thinking, God tends to answer the hard prayers for me in two years if he answers them at all. So eventhough I wasn't willing to admit it, I was open to trying dating again in 2 years when I'm staving off age 40. But now I know I don't have to. There was a part of me who'd thought my experience in Seattle left a little room for hope and I might want to try again in March if there's a break in my work schedule. But now I don't have to.

I never have to wonder. It's a thing I already knew. It's like at this point my life is just a multi-disc broken record player of friendships, relationships, work hassles, life hassles, etc.

So as I silently believed, if you're fretting over not being interesting or putting enough effort or saying the wrong thing, you're wrong. You're just not pretty enough. There's nothing else you can do about it. You were on probation so even the slightest infraction was getting you struck off the list. You're just not pretty enough. 

When you are pretty enough, you can get away with low effort, 1 word responses, and general lack of interest. You will be married in no time! No matter what guys say or how many myths they try to dispel - it's a universal fact we all know but try to soften to make life more tolerable. When you're pretty enough, not much else matters. 

I saw it first hand in real life. I have been friends with plenty of Carefree Kates. One in particular has always been in a relationship ever since I've known her. She has trouble making girl friends and I think she thinks it's because girls are jealous of her, but it's really because she's led a low effort life in romantic relationships. That just doesn't fly in a friendship - not a female friendship. You have to try.

That truth is still steadfast in 2021 as it was 20 years ago when we were teenagers. 

Other Observations in Seattle vs Raleigh

Seattle guys 

- Definitely less abusive

- I experienced no propositions

- No one tried to get my number right away

- No bad behavior over all

- As for selection, lots of adventure seekers, wanderers, lots of people leaving their jobs to backpack around the world, lots of travel enthusiasts, lots of pilots, and lots of tech and educated people, lots of single guys in their 30s

- White guys never mentioned race

Raleigh

- Rednecks

- Most guys on there are in late 20s or 50s, at least the ones I matched with or that I was shown

- Anyone over 30 was assumed (correctly) to be with a few kids

- Lots of hunting and fishing

- Overall, not as adventurous

- Just regular plain guys

- More trades

- More military

- More rowdy behavior

-  White guys Always mentioned race

I know I did my time because last night while in Seattle, Hinge told me I reached the end of available profiles that matched my search criteria. 

I never got that exact message in Raleigh but I did delete and recreate my profile quite a few times when I first started because the behavior was so raunchy. And I really just kept being shown the same pictures and the same dozen or so guys would match me right away. Then nothing.

So I think for Hinge, if you don't find what you're looking for within the first few days or a couple weeks, the pickings are kinda slim. It's a long game after that. I don't think you would need to be on the app for more than a month unless you're CareFree Kate and need that long to actually go on ALL the dates you're being asked on.

Also, as CareFree Kate, I noticed the first 50 Matches were not guys I'd even been shown as Myself, so that tells me those guys definitely filtered out certain races. I personally find that to be racist (it's literally the definition of racism) eventhough everyone else in the world call it personal preference. (Heavy eyeroll).

Anyway, so MERJ, let this be a hard lesson that you've already learned but apparently need a refresher. You're not in this Death House by chance. You really tried your best to make all your dreams come true. All of them. And this consolation life was the one you shall live until literally Thy Kingdom Come. And it's okay. It's a great life because God is great. 

3 Grand Gestures (An Online Dating Story)

 I hope you didn't come on here thinking anyone had made a sweeping grand gesture for me. C'mon now, you know better. It hasn't happened in #almost40 years; it certainly wasn't about to happen now.

So as you may know, today, Dec 15, 2021 was to be my last day on the apps. I kept thinking of how I would go. Well long story short, after Mean Brain threatened that I would die alone and that nothing I've done has ever worked, I decided to do the thing I've always done.

After being rejected by a guy, I double down. Oh you don't want to go on a date with me, well how about we just get married instead.

So yep, after telling myself I'd matured and I was better than this, this morning at 5a I decided to message 3 guys I had any sort of rapport with. (And by message, I mean delete my profile and start all over so I can re-match with them.)

Apple - was a guy in his 50s or 60s that we'd messaged for weeks. It was honestly pretty tame and then I offered to go over there and then 2 days later he unmatched me. Goal there: friends, no benefits.

Dapple - was a guy my age and we messaged for a couple days. He asked me out to coffee but he's one of the Seattle guys so that wasn't going to work. Once I pointed out the distance, he said pass, but I countered with let me be your wing woman. When he didn't respond quickly enough to follow-up messages, I unmatched him because I obviously wanted to be his more than friend. Goal there: friends with potential for relationship.

Japple - the guy I think could be my future domestic abuser or my long lost love. After having a nightmare about him I explained where I was. He unmatched me. But that obviously made me want him more. Cuz well, I'm a human and deeply flawed. Goal there: forever love (and preferably not murdered)

What I did do better? Well, I wanted to do this messaging at 5a but I said your worst ideas come at night, so wait till morning. So I waited till 8a to see if I could find something else to do with my time. 

I'm happy I waited. But I'm going to go through with it anyway. What's the worse that could happen? I never hear from them? Oh, wait, that's already happening.

Plus, I was watching the Hulu version of Four Weddings and a Funeral and watching rom-coms always lead to my worst ideas for relationships. So does reading stuff on the internet and anecdotes from girlfriends. Girls always sacrifice in these relationships. Every single person I know has sacrificed something to be with a guy. I guess that's just the game. So, as the Mo Willems children's book goes... Can I Play Too? 

How I Saved $9k in Taxes and Other Money News

This is just a fun post of chats with myself. I have no one else that really cares or should really. It's personal finance.

Anyway, my local professional organization sent an email to solicit donations for pharmacists that may have been affected by tornadoes in Kentucky. I had no idea! 

So in the Christmas spirit, I immediately clicked. Why not! I was directed to a Go Fund Me page but luckily, there was a spot to select if your company matched donations. Wait, I think we do! 

Totes forgot. I planned to donate about $25. 

After seeing my organization did match, I was excited. I clicked around my company's information portal and realized I could donate directly from our portal. This was easier because then I wouldn't have to submit receipts. 

So I actually got stingy and lowered my donation to $20, but with the match, it became $40. Isn't that amazing! I'm always on the lookout for ways to optimize finances (easily). This was awesome!!

I was so excited I found my aunt's charity and donated $20 more dollars to that and with a match, that's $40. Talk about free money!

Tax Savings

So something that was new to me with my new company in terms of 401k was the Spillover. I reached the 401k max for this year with my Nov 30 check. Yay! But we have the option to do a spillover. So we keep contributing the same percentage and it goes to an After Tax pot (which I convert to Roth). This way the company still matches. Yay!!

The point is this. I just noticed that doing the pre-tax 401k means I keep $366/ pay period of my own money. Because now that the money is coming out after-tax, I noticed my tax bill is $366 more. So geez!

That's $732/mon I'm not paying in taxes just by contributing to my 401k pre-tax! That's $8784 in tax - savings annually!! How awesome is that! 

Evidence:

Taxes when contributing to pre-tax 401k:

Taxes after pre-tax 401k maxed out:

That's per pay period!!

That's your money news for the hour. 

Feelings, Why You So Silly? (On Maryland and Dating App)

 The feelings that keep me up at night are so compelling. I feel them so strongly I can't sleep. Then morning comes and it's like what feelings? 

Here's where I landed at 4a.

Tomorrow, Dec 15, is my last day on the dating apps. That gives me 10 days of washout before Christmas!! Happy Birthday, Jesus!

I thought the next time I'd be free to travel to Maryland would be today, Tuesday, but turns out I had early morning meetings. Whoops! So basically the next time I can travel is Thursday morning (because of feelings) or Sunday morning (because of traffic).

Here's what I decided. 

The Plan

- Get off Apps, Dec 15 (Wed)

- Wait 3 days to see if you can get over Feelings (i.e. no Christmas Boyfriend, Mean Brain telling you you're going to die alone (duh), etc)

-If I'm really struggling with either feelings or pure boredom, drive to Maryland on Sunday morning at 5a

-If not, consider staying and try again next year.

Should I Go or Should I Stay?

 So after some sort of mental tsunami about this blasted trip to Maryland, I think I'd decided just to stay? But now I don't remember why.

This is why I need rules and structure.

I think next year I decided to say Yes to all social invites. Just to make it easy. Platonic, I probably need to add. No more dating. 

But I don't know what to do. Now that I let my aunt know I was thinking of coming, she's encouraging me to still come. 

Let me recall why I was originally going:

- Get out of the house

****Now I feel: Meh, who cares. 

- Be around people (that way I can remember how terrible it is and won't want it again for the next few years or so)

****Now I feel: Meh, who cares. I will still be alone during the work day which is the hard part. I mean so is the after work hours but who is counting. People are unpredictable. My cousins and my aunt have some like unresolved tension. Do I really want to be absorbing someone else's stress. And again, I'll be home all day alone except not eating my own snacks or lying in my own bed. And making my own mess. 

- Be distracted from negative feelings (help washout some of the more recent ones of this year)

****Now I feel: Not during the day when I'm still alone. 

- And it'll help me enjoy my 1 week of company vacay right after. (Mostly this.) (Bonus - I didn't even realize we got the 1st Monday of the New Year off!!)

****Now I feel: This part is still true. Two weeks out of my comfort zone will make that 1 week of company vacay THE BEST WEEK EVER!!

- Plus, it'll be fun to feel the positive benefit of remote work - being able to change locations (it's something I've been wanting to experience!)

****Now I feel:  This is partly true, but I'm wondering if I got the idea from the internet and A Purple Life. She is a little obsessed with spending time with her mom and "loved ones." As is most of the internet. But obviously that will not be my experience, so is this another FIRE rabbit hole I'm romanticizing even though it's counter to my reality. 

Part of my reasons for wanting to stay at this point:

- I can stop having to think about  it

- I can practice solo early retirement

- I can practice self-soothing

- I don't want to get used to the idea that I need other people to get over emotional humps

- Have to practice getting off the apps cold turkey

- Have to practice powering through hard stuff alone

- Fits into my woe-is-me narrative, otherwise it gets very confusing

- Mean Brain says to stay

I think at the end of the day, the answer should be clearer. I think at this point I'm afraid of romanticizing "family time." Like dating, I thought it would be one thing and it turned out to be something esle entirely. My cousins are still mostly boys doing their own thing. So it'll be me basically waiting alone in my aunt's house until she comes home from work. Her hollering at her kids; her cleaning and wiping and going on about work. 

The biggest boon for me was really being distracted from the apps. But is that worth whatever bad thing might happen. Do I really want to be around other happy couples and families as the lone girl with no family and no partner. That sounds horrible. 

All Packed and Nowhere to Go

 Am I feeling triggered? Yes

So last night after packing and tidying the house, I even showered and put on the lavender lotion and brushed my teeth!! I put one bag in the car to save a trip. I packed away all my devices. I even told Maryland Auntie I might be coming.

Sometime after midnight I was panicked. I saw myself getting sick and basically spent the next few hours figuring out if my worries were warranted. Was I using this trip to get over the apps? Was this panic response one I should listen to or was it trauma? 

I hate this. Should I power through it to show Mean Brain who's boss? 

Honestly I don't know. 

I did tell myself for danger responses where I'm asking myself "what's the worst that could happen," only give in to the panic if the person on the other end is a white man. Because that's the only 2 times I've been betrayed. 

This time I was going to my family's house. I knew the risk of COVID was low, but my aunt was having respiratory symptoms. She is fully vaccinated and thinks it's just seasonal allergies. Isn't it kind of late in the season for allergies? 

Then I remembered enough of my visits to Maryland did land with me having some sort of ailment. Usually respiratory symptoms. I was already concerned going into the trip that my isolation might leave me more susceptible to illness when I entered someone else's bubble. 

I don't know why I was okay going to the beach and staying in a hotel? Maybe proximity to the sun and ocean - nature? I don't know. Also the hotel was probably cleaner, more air filtering? And it wasn't heavily populated. We would all essentially be in the same bubble. 

But somehow Brain convinced me that I was definitely going to sick. Which in all honesty seemed likely since I have a strong history.

So then the decision became, do I risk getting physically ill to cure whatever mental woes I'm currently having. I know I'm going to lose my mind in the next 3 weeks with little to nothing to do. So is it worth getting sick? I don't want a cold or some kind of allergy or respiratory bug. Ugh. 

So that's where we're at:

Get a respiratory disease or lose my mind.

Both kind of suck.

Let's not remember the last time I went to Maryland was like 10 days before lockdown and I was sick for pretty much those 10 days. 

I think also just hearing my cousins are being terrible dumb kids just kind of turned me off. I'm like I don't know what they're doing outside of the house. Who are they mingling with. What bug are they going to bring back? 

Then I remembered why I didn't want to get vaccinated this year in the first place - this, precisely. I didn't want to contend with whether or not to hang out. I would be unvaccinated and that would take the guesswork out.

I haven't been paying enough attention to what's out there to know how to keep myself safe. Apparently there's a new virus mutation.  Who even knows what that means. 

I think I'm just concerned about the shock to my system. Even if I lived in the area or have been going out regularly, that would be better.

I don't know.

I'm getting panicky thinking of spending the next 20 days alone. That's way too much. It's too much. So is it worth getting sick over? I don't know!!!

I hate essentially living out of a suitcase because I'm still packed from Tuesday. Maybe I'll make a final decision by this Tuesday at 5a. That's the next day I could possibly leave. 

The other time I was really sick, I got bronchitis from doing that part time job. It's just so much exposure I'm worried about. I don't have any immune defenses around that.  My other colleague has had some respiratory symptoms as well. Mostly that her kid is bringing home. 

And when the season changed, I had some mild symptoms in the morning.

I don't know. Safer at home seems best for physical symptoms. It's my mental symptoms I'm worried about. 

I just want a friend

 That's it. Often on the apps, someone will ask, what are you looking for? At first I wasn't sure how to answer. I never know how to answer any questions. The truth is never the answer - at work and on the apps.

My eyes are wet but no tears have fallen.

I just want a friend. I want a friend all my own. Not one I have to wait in line for. Not one I have to stand behind their mom, baby, boyfriend, husband, job, hobbies, numerous boundaries, pet, cousin, grandma, sister, uncle.

I know one feels anything alone, so I can't be the only one that wants this. It shouldn't be this hard. 

My time on the apps... I have 5 days remaining. It feels like being picked last... for Life.  I probably should have quit a long time ago. 

But at least I know I won't be extending or getting back on the apps anytime soon as Mean Brain was trying to trick me into doing. 

There have been these weird booms and seismic shakes over the last week or so. There's no printed news about it. I thought it was just the shady neighborhood or some sort of manufacturing, but there are old stories of this just being a thing that happens. 

I refuse to be sad.

George on Australian Survivor, Season 6 has made the season soooo enjoyable! Thank you for existing George!

I'm confused whether to be my authentic self, my best self, my interview self, #carefreekatie, or what on these apps. It's almost the trap of diminishing returns. Here again goals or at least checkpoints help. Whatever I feel, I know I have a stopping point so I can't have regrets. 

Oh I got the Credit Card I'd been waiting for and I tested another card on the HOA pay platform prior to this to see if I could split the payment, and it looks like I can!

I got really excited and tried to apply for a third credit card because I want to try the hack of funding new bank accounts with credit cards to get the signup bonus, but I was denied. Yikes!

Oh well. I should probably see what my credit score is but I can't be bothered.

I really need to enjoy chill mode because I don't think it's going to last long.

I think I'm still 51% going to Maryland this weekend. I'm looking at as an obligation to:

- Get out of the house

- Be around people (that way I can remember how terrible it is and won't want it again for the next few years or so)

- Be distracted from negative feelings (help washout some of the more recent ones of this year)

- And it'll help me enjoy my 1 week of company vacay right after. (Mostly this.) (Bonus - I didn't even realize we got the 1st Monday of the New Year off!!)

- Plus, it'll be fun to feel the positive benefit of remote work - being able to change locations (it's something I've been wanting to experience!)

So all though my natural inclination is to stay as an object at rest, this trip will check off a lot of boxes and I'm nothing if not goal-oriented!

Many I have to say there is something incredibly liberating and empowering of being in charge of your emotions. And taking your time to do something! Is this what it's like for Normals?

I got African take out today. I was planning on getting Chinese takeout tomorrow (Saturday) so that I don't have to think too hard about what to eat before my trip, but the portion I got today was so huge, I might be able to stretch it to 3 meals. Which means Saturday might be some Hodge Podge for an evening meal.

Nothing else to report really. Was just running down the clock so I could clock out for the day.  Not sure why Maryland Aunty hasn't been returning my calls or emails. I'm still planning on going. If it sucks, I can just drive back home. 

I really want to sneak a trip into Vegan Treats in PA but I don't know if I'm up for that much driving. A nice yummy chocolate cake would be nice though.  But I also want to get it close to when I return to NC. So that sounds like too much driving in a short time unless I freeze it which is a possibility. 

Actually, I forgot I can order stuff. But I think my travel times wouldn't work for a pickup. 

I'm concerned I don't have many goals for 2022 (outside of savings). I don't want to aimlessly drift. More than likely, I'll just downgrade to just choosing life, but I at least want to capitalize on these good feelings. 

Friday, Dec 10, 2021

 I am still waking up with unpleasant thoughts. I want 2021 to be over. I want to get a health screening just to know what I'm getting into in 2022 but I also don't want any more bad news for December!

I enjoy being not-sad. 

I almost cried a little sometime in the early hours of the morning. 

I read my last December's post and apparently I was very sad. I didn't even know if I would make it to November of 2021, the post read.

Feelings have to be my biggest enemy at this point. It literally just feels so real but I know it's a distorted reality. I mean I know it but when Feelings take over it's like a chokehold just fighting to take your last breath. And all you want to do is stop the feeling. Is Mean Brain addicted to Sad Feelings. Is this what it's like to be an addict? 

I feel bad for addicts and all the people that tell them it's just willpower. If it's anything like Mean Brain and Feelings, overcoming those beasts doesn't require willpower. It is the most all consuming state of being. I wish Mean Brain and Feelings would resemble genius. I wonder if that trance like state is what it's like to also be a genius. When you just know your idea will be revolutionary if you just work one more minute. 

Some moments of lucidity

- I momentarily felt good about my decision to Unmatch with the guy Mean Brain was convincing me was The One (good ole Mean Brain)

- I technically had one blood test come back negative 

I just want to be happy for the rest of the year, but instead I'm contending with these early morning thoughts:

- Am I going to be robbed?

- Is something bad going to happen?

I mean that question kind of sums it up. I don't want to recall the rest.

In good news, I registered with the platform to pay my HOA fee online. It's so gloomy outside I didn't want to go check the mailbox for the credit card. And now it looks like it started to drizzle.  If you remember, I decided to optimized this $700 fee by applying for a credit card bonus. I should get $200 if I spend $500 or more in the next 90 days.  I am actually hoping I'll be able to split the cost across 2 cards so I can try to get 2 bonuses. The third part of the plan is to actually pay in January 2022 so it gets counted against 2022's expenses. At the very least even if I get anxious in late December, I won't pay the credit card bill until January 2022.

Every year around this time I seem to think of new ways to optimize my finances. I admire Root of Good in his ability to never pay full price for anything. He does a good job of getting discounted gift cards for just about every purchase.

But as it has been for the last several years, I can't seem to quite get there for regular spending. There's nothing I really spend thousands of dollars on. The only thing is mortgage which I haven't figured out yet how to use a card to pay for yet. That and maybe student loans next year. That would be the hack of all hacks!  

Well to give myself some credit, I do use a 1% cashback debit card which I think is pretty amazing. 

And this year, I am attempting to get a credit card bonus just for paying my HOA fee, so that's a huge win!

I think one of the things I consider is that it's the same effort for some of these small wins as big wins. So I'd rather just make it a big win. 

I think I'm just a simpler girl than some of the true cost-hackers. And that's okay.

My system is pretty awesome! 

The only thing I'm feeling a little inspired to start is another stream of income. The reselling business is okay, but I don't like the idea of being tied to my phone. I like more regular results. There is a certain level of hustle thrill that's not innate to me. It's not off the table, just not at the top of the list at the moment.

Some minor anxiety at work. I think I may just end up taking a course just to appease my mentor and manager. Hey, if it'll help my bonus, I'm all for it!

 Can't believe my next birthday is in 3 months. Bonkers!