All Packed and Nowhere to Go

 Am I feeling triggered? Yes

So last night after packing and tidying the house, I even showered and put on the lavender lotion and brushed my teeth!! I put one bag in the car to save a trip. I packed away all my devices. I even told Maryland Auntie I might be coming.

Sometime after midnight I was panicked. I saw myself getting sick and basically spent the next few hours figuring out if my worries were warranted. Was I using this trip to get over the apps? Was this panic response one I should listen to or was it trauma? 

I hate this. Should I power through it to show Mean Brain who's boss? 

Honestly I don't know. 

I did tell myself for danger responses where I'm asking myself "what's the worst that could happen," only give in to the panic if the person on the other end is a white man. Because that's the only 2 times I've been betrayed. 

This time I was going to my family's house. I knew the risk of COVID was low, but my aunt was having respiratory symptoms. She is fully vaccinated and thinks it's just seasonal allergies. Isn't it kind of late in the season for allergies? 

Then I remembered enough of my visits to Maryland did land with me having some sort of ailment. Usually respiratory symptoms. I was already concerned going into the trip that my isolation might leave me more susceptible to illness when I entered someone else's bubble. 

I don't know why I was okay going to the beach and staying in a hotel? Maybe proximity to the sun and ocean - nature? I don't know. Also the hotel was probably cleaner, more air filtering? And it wasn't heavily populated. We would all essentially be in the same bubble. 

But somehow Brain convinced me that I was definitely going to sick. Which in all honesty seemed likely since I have a strong history.

So then the decision became, do I risk getting physically ill to cure whatever mental woes I'm currently having. I know I'm going to lose my mind in the next 3 weeks with little to nothing to do. So is it worth getting sick? I don't want a cold or some kind of allergy or respiratory bug. Ugh. 

So that's where we're at:

Get a respiratory disease or lose my mind.

Both kind of suck.

Let's not remember the last time I went to Maryland was like 10 days before lockdown and I was sick for pretty much those 10 days. 

I think also just hearing my cousins are being terrible dumb kids just kind of turned me off. I'm like I don't know what they're doing outside of the house. Who are they mingling with. What bug are they going to bring back? 

Then I remembered why I didn't want to get vaccinated this year in the first place - this, precisely. I didn't want to contend with whether or not to hang out. I would be unvaccinated and that would take the guesswork out.

I haven't been paying enough attention to what's out there to know how to keep myself safe. Apparently there's a new virus mutation.  Who even knows what that means. 

I think I'm just concerned about the shock to my system. Even if I lived in the area or have been going out regularly, that would be better.

I don't know.

I'm getting panicky thinking of spending the next 20 days alone. That's way too much. It's too much. So is it worth getting sick over? I don't know!!!

I hate essentially living out of a suitcase because I'm still packed from Tuesday. Maybe I'll make a final decision by this Tuesday at 5a. That's the next day I could possibly leave. 

The other time I was really sick, I got bronchitis from doing that part time job. It's just so much exposure I'm worried about. I don't have any immune defenses around that.  My other colleague has had some respiratory symptoms as well. Mostly that her kid is bringing home. 

And when the season changed, I had some mild symptoms in the morning.

I don't know. Safer at home seems best for physical symptoms. It's my mental symptoms I'm worried about.