Dec 9, 2021

 I was doing so well. Somehow setting limits on the apps is like exercising. I just can't abide my own rules. 

The reason Temperance is important for me is that it helps stop the cycle of self-doubt. I matched with a guy in Seattle. The conversation was nice. He asked for a coffee date and I pointed out that I'm in NC. To which he took 48 hours to respond that he didn't want to start something far away. 

I expected it ...because no one does. But I think the other thing I have been too afraid to mention is that it's on my profile but I think I will from now on. Namely because I just did it with one guy and nothing bad happened. I was "afraid" of being too accusatory. But while guys are humans they are not women. I really don't understand how heterosexual relationships ever became a thing just based on different communication styles alone. 

So then I say, I'll be your virtual wingwoman. He takes another 48 hours to respond that that would be okay and asks a question (which is always a good sign).  So then I responded. And he didn't respond after 24 hours like he had when we were first chatting.

That felt like a rejection and hurt my feelings. So I unmatched him because I got anxious and didn't like how much I wanted to hear from him. All I could think was - the internet says, don't agree to a friendship if you're wanting more. Which I felt like I was. 

Now I realize I was fine waiting 48 hours for some other chumps on the app. Of course having reacted in what my brain is calling too swiftly, I regret it. I know it's ultimately the right decision but because I did it while triggered, I regret it. I even went so far as to google him. Ugh. Now I'm legit thinking about starting a new profile so I can find him again.

But I think my temperance needs a little reflection. There are things I need to immediately remove myself from - that are dangerous or violent or have the potential to be. But then there are things that could potentially be more insidious which I also need to be cautious about.

Ugh, this is way too much thinking and mental gymnastics for this early in the morning.

Basically, I slightly regret not waiting for that match's response.

I think I go back to Terrible #1's interaction (which I'm trying to forget). I both waited too long to unmatch and then when I did I somehow regretted it. That's just confusing. 

But then with Terrible #3, when I did let it naturally fizzle I felt way better with no regrets. 

So maybe: physical danger = react quickly

Mental danger = try temperance unless there's a potential for physical danger

Just a side note, I'm literally fantasizing about redoing my profile AND maybe coming back on the apps in the spring just to find this guy again. Literally after he already said he didn't want to start anything. Which is what I based my decision on. Will this girl ever learn. 

I'm just so excited for 2022. Aren't you?