I just want a friend

 That's it. Often on the apps, someone will ask, what are you looking for? At first I wasn't sure how to answer. I never know how to answer any questions. The truth is never the answer - at work and on the apps.

My eyes are wet but no tears have fallen.

I just want a friend. I want a friend all my own. Not one I have to wait in line for. Not one I have to stand behind their mom, baby, boyfriend, husband, job, hobbies, numerous boundaries, pet, cousin, grandma, sister, uncle.

I know one feels anything alone, so I can't be the only one that wants this. It shouldn't be this hard. 

My time on the apps... I have 5 days remaining. It feels like being picked last... for Life.  I probably should have quit a long time ago. 

But at least I know I won't be extending or getting back on the apps anytime soon as Mean Brain was trying to trick me into doing. 

There have been these weird booms and seismic shakes over the last week or so. There's no printed news about it. I thought it was just the shady neighborhood or some sort of manufacturing, but there are old stories of this just being a thing that happens. 

I refuse to be sad.

George on Australian Survivor, Season 6 has made the season soooo enjoyable! Thank you for existing George!

I'm confused whether to be my authentic self, my best self, my interview self, #carefreekatie, or what on these apps. It's almost the trap of diminishing returns. Here again goals or at least checkpoints help. Whatever I feel, I know I have a stopping point so I can't have regrets. 

Oh I got the Credit Card I'd been waiting for and I tested another card on the HOA pay platform prior to this to see if I could split the payment, and it looks like I can!

I got really excited and tried to apply for a third credit card because I want to try the hack of funding new bank accounts with credit cards to get the signup bonus, but I was denied. Yikes!

Oh well. I should probably see what my credit score is but I can't be bothered.

I really need to enjoy chill mode because I don't think it's going to last long.

I think I'm still 51% going to Maryland this weekend. I'm looking at as an obligation to:

- Get out of the house

- Be around people (that way I can remember how terrible it is and won't want it again for the next few years or so)

- Be distracted from negative feelings (help washout some of the more recent ones of this year)

- And it'll help me enjoy my 1 week of company vacay right after. (Mostly this.) (Bonus - I didn't even realize we got the 1st Monday of the New Year off!!)

- Plus, it'll be fun to feel the positive benefit of remote work - being able to change locations (it's something I've been wanting to experience!)

So all though my natural inclination is to stay as an object at rest, this trip will check off a lot of boxes and I'm nothing if not goal-oriented!

Many I have to say there is something incredibly liberating and empowering of being in charge of your emotions. And taking your time to do something! Is this what it's like for Normals?

I got African take out today. I was planning on getting Chinese takeout tomorrow (Saturday) so that I don't have to think too hard about what to eat before my trip, but the portion I got today was so huge, I might be able to stretch it to 3 meals. Which means Saturday might be some Hodge Podge for an evening meal.

Nothing else to report really. Was just running down the clock so I could clock out for the day.  Not sure why Maryland Aunty hasn't been returning my calls or emails. I'm still planning on going. If it sucks, I can just drive back home. 

I really want to sneak a trip into Vegan Treats in PA but I don't know if I'm up for that much driving. A nice yummy chocolate cake would be nice though.  But I also want to get it close to when I return to NC. So that sounds like too much driving in a short time unless I freeze it which is a possibility. 

Actually, I forgot I can order stuff. But I think my travel times wouldn't work for a pickup. 

I'm concerned I don't have many goals for 2022 (outside of savings). I don't want to aimlessly drift. More than likely, I'll just downgrade to just choosing life, but I at least want to capitalize on these good feelings.