So first, yay! I did not wake up sick. I just realized I've slept 2 nights at home and didn't wake up sick. So, despite my nightmares a trip to my family did not make me sick. That's good news.
I don't want to doubt my intuition just yet.
My aunts are a bunch of yellers. In corporate speak, we would call them passionate. I don't want to ever repress anyone from being their authentic self but the things they say are kind of nasty.
And when you're not around it all the time, it's just a lot.
I realized that Aunty 1 and Aunty 2 are more similar than I ever realized. It's like they both want to be liked and noticed and need a lot of attention. But they're trying not to show this. I believe they were both results of affairs so maybe there's some unspoken trauma there. Like let me bite you first before you bite me. I don't know. But it's unfortunate.
See this is what I mean when looking for a mate. Or even problems I had with my manager. When you talk to professionals, they give you advice for fully formed healthy humans. The thing is I have yet to meet anyone like that. Everyone is broken and has baggage, so you can set up all your "healthy" boundaries but all it's done for me is keep people out.
A thought
There's a thought that occurred to me once I got home. You remember how my Aunty MERJ died last January. Well she had a car that she said she wanted me to have. She was cleaning it and wanted it paid off so I could have it. In my grief and confusion and with 2 other aunts vying for the car, it went to someone else in an old will I'd found that was unsigned. It was the easiest thing to do at the time. Anyway, one of these aunts was Maryland Aunty.
This is getting longer.
Basically, My Cousin that just had a baby gave her old car to Maryland Aunty's son. That cousin isn't particularly generous or that considerate. So now I'm convinced the only reason Cousin thought to give the car away was because Maryland Aunty was moaning and groaning that she didn't get Aunty MERJ's car for her son.
That's hurtful to realize. I hate being talked about. And I hate that my cousin is somehow trying to be the hero.
The way she sort of infiltrated my life and I felt a little cast out is still something I haven't fully reconciled. I don't know what to do with it.
I'm reminded of the lady on one of my reality shows who had like 6 kids with her partner over about 20 years but he wouldn't marry her. But then he fell in love with someone else and wanted to marry her after a few months. I hurt for her.
I don't know if I'm looking to stir up drama because I'm off this week or what. Mean Brain, what are you doing?
The other thing that happened.
This Cousin mentioned that my Frenemy congratulated her on having a baby. She seemed a little put out by it. I actually was caught off guard that Frenemy did that. I thought she knew that Cousin didn't care for her too much. I still don't know how they reconnected when I stopped being friends with them but I know when they tried to meet up it didn't really work out.
There's some unspoken... shame? I don't know. I think they're both a little guilty for trying to start a friendship without me. Ha!
Cousin even went to my College Friend's Wedding and now I don't even think they speak.
I digress. I take a little responsibility for the mini-lecture I got about Frenemy reaching out because I was the one who told Frenemy. I'd kind of resolved to not talk about Cousin with Frenemy just because I'd resolved to not talk about Cousin full stop but we were trapped in that car together so I just said it in passing.
More on this subject. I've been having some lukewarm feelings about even reaching out to Cousin about things I hear about her that she didn't tell me (e.g. her boyfriend, husband, baby, new house, car). Now I'm more resolved.
I just wish I had more of a life outside of these extended family members so that their daily comings and goings would be less important in my life.
I've been good about not asking about her partner because honestly that relationship is none of my business and it's not something I was ever privy to and she doesn't bring it up when we briefly reconnected.
Her new life as a new mother is a good reason to keep my distance. She's going to be way too busy to notice anyway. And honestly she's got a good support network so I don't feel bad about it.
As for the wedding, I only recently heard it was postponed. I'm just going to forget I know and not ask anymore questions. For 2022, mind my business. Obviously, if I have a boyfriend I'll want to show him off but since the chances of that are 0%, I think I'll be good.
On Dating
So for some silly reasons, I haven't quite deleted the app yet. Even though, I'm 85% sure I can't convert Dapple into the love of my life, I'm still mildly committed to the Plan. I at least want to see how far I can get before I give up and let my anxiety and Mean Brain take over. So I'm staying on the app so he can at least have a visual of me in his matches in the hopes he'll be motivated to text me next week when I'm back from break.
Meanwhile I'm still catfishing him as Carefree Kate to get the questions I want answered. Even that is slow. I don't understand his game. All the other boys are eating Katie up but he still takes his time to respond to her and doesn't do what she says.
I unpaused my profile because obviously I get annoyed that Kate gets all the attention. And I matched with 3 new people yesterday. I messaged a boy for about 1-2 hours and it was fun! I love the dopamine hit of a potential match. But as always the flame died fast. I did get him off the app though but that was less of a goal and more of mischief.
The dopamine hit lingers to this morning. He didn't text back. Not sure whether to delete him right now or wait a few days. I think I'm leaning towards just delete and forget it. This is just leftovers anyway.
Alone Time
While I didn't want to spend my week chasing boys or waiting on Dapple to text me (side note: he likes to message around 9p PST/ 12m EST), I realized I didn't really need Alone Time or Device Free Time this week because the last few weeks have been just that!
Work has not been stressful and my workload has been light. I've had a pretty cushy time at work. Finally!
So I guess it was just habit.
That's all for now. Happy Tuesday!
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