Should I Go or Should I Stay?

 So after some sort of mental tsunami about this blasted trip to Maryland, I think I'd decided just to stay? But now I don't remember why.

This is why I need rules and structure.

I think next year I decided to say Yes to all social invites. Just to make it easy. Platonic, I probably need to add. No more dating. 

But I don't know what to do. Now that I let my aunt know I was thinking of coming, she's encouraging me to still come. 

Let me recall why I was originally going:

- Get out of the house

****Now I feel: Meh, who cares. 

- Be around people (that way I can remember how terrible it is and won't want it again for the next few years or so)

****Now I feel: Meh, who cares. I will still be alone during the work day which is the hard part. I mean so is the after work hours but who is counting. People are unpredictable. My cousins and my aunt have some like unresolved tension. Do I really want to be absorbing someone else's stress. And again, I'll be home all day alone except not eating my own snacks or lying in my own bed. And making my own mess. 

- Be distracted from negative feelings (help washout some of the more recent ones of this year)

****Now I feel: Not during the day when I'm still alone. 

- And it'll help me enjoy my 1 week of company vacay right after. (Mostly this.) (Bonus - I didn't even realize we got the 1st Monday of the New Year off!!)

****Now I feel: This part is still true. Two weeks out of my comfort zone will make that 1 week of company vacay THE BEST WEEK EVER!!

- Plus, it'll be fun to feel the positive benefit of remote work - being able to change locations (it's something I've been wanting to experience!)

****Now I feel:  This is partly true, but I'm wondering if I got the idea from the internet and A Purple Life. She is a little obsessed with spending time with her mom and "loved ones." As is most of the internet. But obviously that will not be my experience, so is this another FIRE rabbit hole I'm romanticizing even though it's counter to my reality. 

Part of my reasons for wanting to stay at this point:

- I can stop having to think about  it

- I can practice solo early retirement

- I can practice self-soothing

- I don't want to get used to the idea that I need other people to get over emotional humps

- Have to practice getting off the apps cold turkey

- Have to practice powering through hard stuff alone

- Fits into my woe-is-me narrative, otherwise it gets very confusing

- Mean Brain says to stay

I think at the end of the day, the answer should be clearer. I think at this point I'm afraid of romanticizing "family time." Like dating, I thought it would be one thing and it turned out to be something esle entirely. My cousins are still mostly boys doing their own thing. So it'll be me basically waiting alone in my aunt's house until she comes home from work. Her hollering at her kids; her cleaning and wiping and going on about work. 

The biggest boon for me was really being distracted from the apps. But is that worth whatever bad thing might happen. Do I really want to be around other happy couples and families as the lone girl with no family and no partner. That sounds horrible.