Triggered and Rejected

 Mean Brain has made an appearance. At 5a I went downstairs to check my phone for a message from Dapple (as Catfish Kate).

I've been asking a series of questions as Kate because I'm not confident enough as MERJ to ask them. People will appease a Carefree Kate whereas I would be seen as troublesome. Anyway through the questionnaire, I've learned he's gotten into at least one shouting match with an ex, throws things when he's annoyed (but not at people and not in the context of a fight), and wants kids. 

Ick. Guys who scream and throw things. And I definitely can't have kids. 

Mean Brain even took it a step further. Dapple is asking when Kate will be back in town. As Kate, I want to say just come visit me where I am (jokingly), but I fear he would say yes (even if jokingly). I also want to say, I might stay and see what he wants to do about a LDR. I fear he would be into it (where he wasn't with me). 

So now I'm torn. Should I pull on these threads or try to get him to answer the other questions.

I just feel rejected because this was already a long shot and it's already feeling like it's going nowhere. 

I mostly just feel like giving up to get rid of these feelings as quickly as possible (no surprises there). There are some very lukewarm connections as MERJ. I'm just superficially not interested in blue collar workers.

Does that make me any better than guys who "prefer blondes." I mean yes, because preferring a race is racist.

I think I would be fine for "settling" for something I didn't want if the whole dating thing was easier. It's not like a restaurant where they're out of steak and you get a cheeseburger (which you also like). At least you get a cheeseburger.

But you could settle for something you don't want and still go nowhere. That guy could still be a bad guy and it could lead nowhere.

I need to let go of the bad guy trope though. That is also triggering. Just it could not work out would be better. 

There's so much lying in the initial stages of dating anyway.

I wish I had just been done with the apps a month ago like I said I would. 

I know I can't be waking up at 5a to check texts from a guy I'm Catfishing. Nothing about that rings healthy.

So what's the game plan here, Brain. 

Quit now and cut my losses and future pain.

Hang in there as MERJ?

Keep Catfishing for what? The thrill?

Give Dapple a chance to explain.

All I know is in this moment, this stopped being fun. 

At 8a, I'm getting a chicken biscuit and getting a free trial of Amazon Prime to watch some new shows. I still have 5 days before work. 

I wish my family loved me the way I need to be loved. My Maryland Aunty said I should just accept my Frenemy as a Friend because she rode with me to Vegan Treats. The bar is so low for friends, family, and relationships. It's a societal issue I think. God's love is the goal and we're nowhere close.