Friday, Dec 10, 2021

 I am still waking up with unpleasant thoughts. I want 2021 to be over. I want to get a health screening just to know what I'm getting into in 2022 but I also don't want any more bad news for December!

I enjoy being not-sad. 

I almost cried a little sometime in the early hours of the morning. 

I read my last December's post and apparently I was very sad. I didn't even know if I would make it to November of 2021, the post read.

Feelings have to be my biggest enemy at this point. It literally just feels so real but I know it's a distorted reality. I mean I know it but when Feelings take over it's like a chokehold just fighting to take your last breath. And all you want to do is stop the feeling. Is Mean Brain addicted to Sad Feelings. Is this what it's like to be an addict? 

I feel bad for addicts and all the people that tell them it's just willpower. If it's anything like Mean Brain and Feelings, overcoming those beasts doesn't require willpower. It is the most all consuming state of being. I wish Mean Brain and Feelings would resemble genius. I wonder if that trance like state is what it's like to also be a genius. When you just know your idea will be revolutionary if you just work one more minute. 

Some moments of lucidity

- I momentarily felt good about my decision to Unmatch with the guy Mean Brain was convincing me was The One (good ole Mean Brain)

- I technically had one blood test come back negative 

I just want to be happy for the rest of the year, but instead I'm contending with these early morning thoughts:

- Am I going to be robbed?

- Is something bad going to happen?

I mean that question kind of sums it up. I don't want to recall the rest.

In good news, I registered with the platform to pay my HOA fee online. It's so gloomy outside I didn't want to go check the mailbox for the credit card. And now it looks like it started to drizzle.  If you remember, I decided to optimized this $700 fee by applying for a credit card bonus. I should get $200 if I spend $500 or more in the next 90 days.  I am actually hoping I'll be able to split the cost across 2 cards so I can try to get 2 bonuses. The third part of the plan is to actually pay in January 2022 so it gets counted against 2022's expenses. At the very least even if I get anxious in late December, I won't pay the credit card bill until January 2022.

Every year around this time I seem to think of new ways to optimize my finances. I admire Root of Good in his ability to never pay full price for anything. He does a good job of getting discounted gift cards for just about every purchase.

But as it has been for the last several years, I can't seem to quite get there for regular spending. There's nothing I really spend thousands of dollars on. The only thing is mortgage which I haven't figured out yet how to use a card to pay for yet. That and maybe student loans next year. That would be the hack of all hacks!  

Well to give myself some credit, I do use a 1% cashback debit card which I think is pretty amazing. 

And this year, I am attempting to get a credit card bonus just for paying my HOA fee, so that's a huge win!

I think one of the things I consider is that it's the same effort for some of these small wins as big wins. So I'd rather just make it a big win. 

I think I'm just a simpler girl than some of the true cost-hackers. And that's okay.

My system is pretty awesome! 

The only thing I'm feeling a little inspired to start is another stream of income. The reselling business is okay, but I don't like the idea of being tied to my phone. I like more regular results. There is a certain level of hustle thrill that's not innate to me. It's not off the table, just not at the top of the list at the moment.

Some minor anxiety at work. I think I may just end up taking a course just to appease my mentor and manager. Hey, if it'll help my bonus, I'm all for it!

 Can't believe my next birthday is in 3 months. Bonkers!