Dec 8, 2021

My decision to use Temperance as a theme for next year is working. There are good decisions I make even when I'm triggered but I second guess them because it seems emotional when I make them.

Right now, it's mostly how I handle rejection that I need to work on (personal, dating, social interactions). In the moment, when I'm feeling reactive all Mean Brain is focused on is getting rid of the feeling. But if I can hold on until the feelings pass, I often make the same decision but I just don't question it. 

Last night, I unmatched most of my matches because the conversation had died a few weeks ago. When I was feeling triggered, I just wanted to do an overt act to move past the feeling so I always wanted to unmatch all of them just symbolically. Just to have some control over the situation. 

But by morning I couldn't care less. Every time. 

Last night I faltered a little and at 5:45a this morning, I went ahead an unmatched them. It wasn't them really. It was more I was feeling disappointed that a match I wanted to respond back to me same day didn't. We'd already downgraded to friends but his response time had moved from 1 day to 2 days. I could feel myself seeing it as a challenge to get him to "like me" again.  A downward spiral was ensuing. I'd been wanting to unmatch the first time it took 2 days but I was like meh we're already just friends, what does it matter. But obviously I wanted more than that.

I think I'm just tired of thinking I need to do all these tricks and smoke and mirrors to convince people to like me! It sucks. I can only agree to do that for job interviews. But dating - that's always been my issue. I forget to be the NiceGirl (TM) and get comfortable - I tease, I jest, I joke. 

I really like me. I do! That's why it's so freaking confusing when other's don't. But they don't. And that's okay.

I'm mostly gearing up for getting off the app in a week. Yay, one week! I think it was supposed to be Dec 31, 2021 but another note said Dec 1. But I also just want to be happy in Jesus' birthday Month - not anxious and scared. 

So while Dan* (symbolic name) from Hinge might have been my friend turned long lost love. The chances were unlikely. 

So while I wish I had waited until tomorrow or after a few more exchanges and let things fizzle out naturally, I know this was the right decision. 

I am amazing. I am a beloved child of God. I am okay. I shall be okay. 

Oh! One more thing. We got 2 extra days of vacation. When I first read the announcement, I thought we had to use those days before the end of this year, but I have till end of January. I thought about tacking it on Christmas break just to get rid of it, but I was like nah. I'll just use it at end of January. What a fun surprise that will be! 

Money Stuff

I can't believe there are only 2 paychecks left! I wonder where my net worth will land at the end of the month? The end of the year?! I have to say, I am looking forward to loosening my purse strings.

I so love a budget!! I really do. I love money goals. It's like the best thing I ever found. It just helps to keep me focused. A couple people I work with have really been enjoying their money and it's just easier to be in awe and celebrate with them and not even feel an inkling to keep up with them. My path is jus different. 

I wish all of life was like that. 

Where's the path to love. As much as I didn't find a Christmas boyfriend on Hinge I am surprisingly more hopeful. The thought crossed my mind for extending my stay to 2022, but I just can't. While the wild emotional ride was great to keep me occupied during the little bit of downtime I had, I actually have real work to do that will be mentally taxing next  year. I can't lose focus. 

I think this random search of love is probably the closest I got to keeping up with the Joneses. 2 girls that are more like me met and married with love matches they found on dating apps recently. So much like I could see my salary in some of the FIRE successes, I could see myself in these girls. So, I thought why not me? I'm not sure why it didn't work for me. 

And then well it's the holidays. I just wanted to fall in love. So, I'm proud of myself for trying to mitigate this wanting. At least I know that much about myself. 

I guess this month will just be filled with random reflections.

It's almost 10a and I'm just thankful for God for getting me through this year. All the bad stuff seemed so insurmountable. But I chose life everyday. When all else feels too much, I chose life sometimes minute by minute. 

I have so many thoughts written all over the house, but one more year. No matter what happens financially in the next 20 days, I reached my financial goals and that's amazing! 

Enough mumbling. Have a great day!