19 Days Till Christmas and The Darkness is Back

 Just when I thought...hey, I could really do this early retirement thing the dark cloud has come to make a home in my home.

It's sticky and suffocating. It's disrupting my sleep and it's got a stronghold on my joy.

Instead of 3 weeks of free time and joy all I see is 3 weeks of deafening silence and sadness and self-destructive thoughts. Suffocatingly so.

I keep trying to tell myself to go visit my Maryland Aunty. But that means I have to clean the kitchen. And then when I looked, this cookie making kit probably won't come until next week. I don't want any sort of package staying on my doorstep for a week letting the world know that no one is at home. 

Can't have that. 

I could try to cancel it. But what if I don't end up going?

I don't even remember - am I supposed to be staying home and still sheltering in place.

I tried making a schedule to pass the time.

Here's what I have. I divided 16 hours of free time into 8 2-hour activities.

12a-8a : SLEEP

8-10a: Work

10a - 12n: stretch/workout video

12n-2p: sit outside/walk around Walmart

2-4p: Paint/DuoLingo/ play game online

4-6p: write/ read/ karaoke/ worship

6-8p: eat/cleanup

8-10p: Xmas movie/ apps

10-12midnight: sitcom/ feel goods/  brush/floss

It's 9:30a and I'm listening to a work meeting but mostly dreading the free time between this and the next meeting. This is all I wanted. Why can't I just be happy? I am haunted by the horrible time I've had on the apps and anything I watch on TV that talks about relationships or women being assaulted or just generally mistreated, dumped, silenced, abused is triggering me. But it's what I'm used to watching, so I don't know what to do.

I want to get through this on my own because I don't want to think I can rely on my extended family in a time of crisis. 

That's where God and I just don't see eye to eye. I get the things I ask for in strange times. I needed 4 weeks of free time when my aunt was sick and asking me to spend time with her. But I was working. 

Now I have four weeks of free time when I'm plagued with inner darkness. I don't need 4 weeks of idle time on my hands. 

But maybe instead of constantly being mad at God, just go with the flow. Just do what is the best thing right now. Right now, I need to get out of this house. 

I should not be alone with my thoughts for the next 3 weeks.