Triggers, Nightmares and Other Things

 So yeah for some reason this weekend has been nightmarish. I keep having recurring thoughts of violence against me and other women.

I vacillate between wanting to leave my house, as in sell it and move away for good. It's a combination of it being just a rough neighborhood and thinking ahead of what happens when I reach my FIRE goal. 

I've been unsure about the apps. Mentally distancing myself. Do I just give up and let the Bad Guys win. That doesn't seem right. Do I learn from the Bad Guys - that doesn't seem right. Why do they get to steal my joy. I'm having not one bar of it, as my Australian Survivors say. 

I've been enjoying watching Australian Survivor much more than I thought. There are no people of color so the white people pick themselves off so it's a lot less depressing. 

Yesterday I went to the store a man said hi to me and I immediately wanted to lock my doors (and I did). Then I felt bad for offending him. Then I felt bad that I should feel bad for a man. I am definitely triggered but I refuse to be a victim of some bad guys. Bad things happen to people all the time.

All the thoughts:

- What happens after FIRE?

- When do I leave Hinge - now? Dec 15? Dec 31? In 3 days? Do I resurge again next year? 

- Should I go visit my family in Maryland?

- Do I live in fear? Can I forget all the bad stuff or must I learn from it? If I don't learn from it does that mean I will repeat the same mistake?

- I hate being afraid?

- What do I do about Jamie* the terrible (*not real name)? Is he a bad guy? Are these red flags or leftover trauma? 

- Should I unmatch all my Hinge ghosts? 

- My workload is light. How do I enjoy it?

- Should I go to Seattle?

- Is someone out to get me? Am I being monitored online or in real life?

- Will I reach FIRE next March 2022?

- Am I going to get robbed?

- Is this PTSD?

- Should I change my name next year?

- Should I sell my house?

- Should I get more cameras or just move?

- If I move, where do I move?

- Should I reach out to people this December or just keep trying to self-soothe?

- What do I do next year? I think I'm running out of living-life-solo steam. But what can I really do?

- Where are you God? What are the answers? Is it another 2 years before I get an answer?

- Should I fire at 500 or 750?

- I think I'll leave the house for love (still rent it out) or if I get to FIRE 750? I think if I FIRE500, I can't afford to live anywhere else really...unless like Cleveland. I know wherever I go it would be more economical to do it before I FIRE. 

Woosa. 

Do I just ignore things and live my life. Because the alternative seems to be living in fear and in this distressed state. Where is my happy place? 

I want some cookies. 

I'm getting the Temperance thing. Thought it's literally 1 minute at a time. Like right now, I want to get in my car and drive away. I want to throw my iPad out the window. I already turned it off yesterday but turned it back on about a handful of times, including 1x already this morning.  I want to delete Hinge and all the people that don't respond to me. 

I need a checklist moving forward. Do I stay NiceGirl(TM) or do I do a checklist. You see in my internet research I read all the male rage about the apps and tried to adapt to them, but I don't think that was the way. I think if I'm going to do this, I have to do it my way. What I'm doing now keeps trapping duds. But you see the thing is I get down if I get no matches (even duds are better than none) so then I compromise. There is the reality that whatever I was doing in real life (i.e. not much) isn't working so there is some motivation to make a change.

My profile is good. I feel confident about that. I've gotten positive feedback on just about every aspect - the prompts and photos. So at least I know I don't need to tweak that. I'm so happy I chose somewhere far away so I don't make any impulse decisions. I love the audio or video call. So I think I want to keep doing that. It's the perfect screening tool. I almost prefer the audio call so I don't have to get dressed up. 

So yeah bump whatever Terrible said on the internet that it was too many hoops to jump through. God forbid a woman shouldn't give in to every man's desires. So yeah, chat, audio/ video call on the app. Video call really only if I like the person. Take my time.

I'm unclear about being more upfront that I'm out of state. A lot of people I match with seem to miss it on my profile.  It's like the people with kids who try not to lead with it. 

There is some smoke and mirrors in dating so I'm not too concerned with not leading with it. 

There's a new season of See No Evil and normally I would be excited but now I just feel afraid. I was even watching 90 Day The Single Life yesterday and after Natalie told her date not to touch her ( several times!) he later tried to pull her in for a cuddle and she resisted and slapped him in the face.

It was powerful but also triggering. 

I had a nightmare last night that my Maryland Aunt did something or I did something? I don't even remember clearly but I think we were fighting... like physically fighting and I woke up in a panic. 

Yesterday two bums got into it in the parking lot at Food Lion. They were running around and cussing right near my car. I locked my doors and tried to book it out but one ran behind my car.

It just felt like a bad dream.

Should I go to the beach? Should I go for a nature walk?

The drive to Maryland is just a bit long but with all this free time at work (hopefully), I just don't know how much more I can take of being in my head and being locked in this house. 

I still haven't gotten my Credit Card for CC Bonus #1 so that's a little concerning given my history of credit card and identity theft. 

So yeah Being Sad is better because the only thing you want is to not feel that anymore and there's a clear answer. But when you're not sad, it's too many choices to optimize my life or try to hold on to the feeling. Which one will work.

You know... stay in the house? go for a walk? go for an extended stay with family... my mind goes back to list above.

Woosa.