Third Day Wall and Other Feelings About Life and Dating

 As I'm used to, that third day of free time just stirs up ONLY negative feelings. Recent bad memories resurface and I question most of my life choices.

I try to revamp my life and outlook for the 1 billionth time to get over the hump and not be back here again. But here I am. 

What was the latest trigger. Well 3 days of nothing to do and then a couple of long convos on Hinge. 

When I feel a guy showing some interest, I get weird. 

I almost prefer the ones that don't like me because I don't have to try very hard and I know deep down I can't change their mind for long but I love to try. 

We'll call this one Happle.

He lives in Seattle, didn't finish college, and works Security for an office building. I couldn't tell if he's doing well financially or not. I know he recently bought a home that is probably around the $500k mark and he has 2 cars. He also bought a really expensive sofa.

He mentioned wanting the DINK lifestyle. 

But even I know what we say we want and what we actually get or 'settle' for are often 2 different things. 

When he asked me what I was looking for, it felt like an interview question all over again. I truly do want different things on different days. 

Some days I do want a traditional guy. I want to be taken care of and courted. Other days I want my independence.

I know I had a weird reaction to DINK. I think I don't want my life with my partner to be dependent on my income. Feels like a lot of pressure. And a lot of my FIRE journey is to not feel that pressure. 

But I'm sure it's just semantics. 

Sometimes I want a long marriage; sometimes I want a casual relationship. 

Sometimes it just depends on what I can see with that person. 

Yesterday I felt comfortable with my life here in Hood Adjacent. 

If I'm honest, based on this year's expenses so far, I'm technically FI. Which is a good feeling that I'm too afraid to celebrate.

I think a lot of what motivates me to stay on the app or rather demotivates me from deleting the app altogether is having to figure out what happens after FI. I've got pursuing a love-life stuck in my teeth because it was low hanging fruit.

The fact that I'm searching somewhere 3 timezones away and literally across the country definitely is an indicator of how seriously I'm taking the love-life search. It's like I want to make it as hard as possible and difficult to start. I'm convincing myself it'll be more romantic, but I know it's because it'll be impossible but I can say I tried. 

People in the dating realm ask this question a lot - what are you looking for, what do you want in a guy. We know already I lost my destiny so I think this is my Desert Wandering Years except I think I will die in the desert as opposed to making it to the Promised Land. That's okay. But how do I die as painlessly as possible?

Living alone is just so much easier. 

Some days I'm ready to pack it all in and move to Seattle on a whim. But financially, what would that even look like! I can't help but want to follow A Purple Life's footsteps. Would I really live in a studio with a stranger. Would I give up my car. 

In that fantasy, it would be cool to pack up and move in with someone. I'd keep my house. Ideally, they'd get to FI or FIRE within 2-3 years and we'd move back to NC. Or somewhere more cost effective. 

I think my brain will only let me imagine a loose framework. The rest can be filled in later. 

I really have no idea what life looks like after FI. I only hope I can come up with some guiding tenets to keep me physically and financially safe. I think that's what I would want as guardrails and either develop the rest as we go along for anxiety's sake or just see what happens.

Yeah right. I've never not had a plan. 

I can't seem to make up my mind on when to get off the app. And when to stop Catfishing. As horrible as it sounds, catfishing boosts my confidence. I have a first hand look at what guys will accept from a beautiful blonde woman. Hint: it's bad behavior. 

 I was initially going to stop Catfishing after the holidays because I would run out of excuses about why I couldn't meet up, but I was thinking like a MERJ. I'm not obligated to do anything with any of these matches. If I don't want to meet up, they'll just have to deal with it.

But again, it goes back to what am I even doing? 

I don't need to Catfish if I'm not on the app as myself. That part is certain.

And I think as much as the distraction is fun, I want to stay focused for Q1 2022 on work and financial goals. I am concerned it will take a little while for work to ramp back up and I'll fall back into the dating app game out of boredom. 

So maybe, just say... delete the app anytime. But for Hope's sake, wait at least till Thurs, Jan 6 at 9a EST. That will give Dapple a full 2 days (Tues and Wed) to see my picture one last time when I'm supposedly back from my device-free retreat. 

I think I made a boo-boo sending 2 selfies to the guys I gave my number to, but oh well. Luckily they don't seem that into me so I'm sure it'll all be deleted soon. I'm not doing that anymore. My app pictures are the most recent. 

As for catfishing, I really only like it now to get background info on Dapple. We'll have to wait for the next emotional flare to see how it goes.

Current Plan with Dapple

Kate is to stop messaging him by Friday. He'll message Friday going to Saturday a.m.

Kate will ghost him Saturday and Sunday.

Ideally, he'll remember by Monday that MERJ is back in town and message MERJ between Mon and Wed into Thursday.

Kate should not be texting him again while MERJ waits for his text next week. 

Ideally, MERJ will not need to message him first. 

See the thing is, if he and MERJ are back on I kind of want to use Kate to get background information but I don't want him to develop feelings for Kate.

And I don't know how long he'll keep the match with Kate if she refuses to meet up. 

Kate will be a good gauge if this all goes to plan. But this is such a long game that I know I'll probably give up on Kate and do something rash. 

There's also just the plan of keeping Kate around even if she's not trying things out on Dapple but with other guys. 

Anyway, there's the scenario of Dapple never reaching back out to MERJ. In that case, I think I have to let it go. I was the right the first time to be cautious of chasing a guy that already rejected you and trying to get out of the friendzone. I don't want to be an emotional booty call for anyone else. 

At the end of the day, I did not get the Christmas boyfriend I hoped for. No one is in love with me. I'm not starting the new year as a new me with a new beau. I'm mostly just scrambling for a ratty consolation prize. And that's not anyone's fantasy. So I know pretty soon all the mental energy I'm putting into this will be scrapped on a whim when I remember I'm the prize. Until then...

In summary, delete MERJ's app by Thursday, Jan 6 at 9a EST.

If Dapple reaches out by then, consider keeping Kate's app for recon and confidence boost.

If Dapple doesn't reach out to MERJ, see what happens with Kate's app (does it hurt your feelings? does it affirm what you already knew?). Probably consider deleting a week later, so Thurs, Jan 13 at 9a EST.  (This gives time for one more rock to be turned, and lingering feelings to resolve.)