Not Everyone Gets the Fairytale

 Not everyone gets the fairytale. The first crush I ever had lasted for 10 years ..at least. I love romance. I do. It's whimsical and happy and it always ends with happily ever after. 

Is that kind of romance even real or is it akin to believing in dungeons and dragons and witches and warlocks. 

I don't see romance in the Bible. I see power and control and necessity. The unconditional love isn't found among humans. It's from God only. 

Maybe romance was an attempt to understand what that would look like on earth between the remaining humans. Oh, but it's so amazing.

Maybe romance is in the same cabinet of 'dream jobs' and 'happiness.'  It's this meaning we assign to things..often times after the fact.

If we're looking on the bright side of things. My first grade school crush lasted for about 10 years. I just knew in my adolescent heart it was this thing I had to have. He actually asked me out, and of course I said no. I didn't believe him or I wasn't ready. I don't know. 

But I know more than I give myself credit for. 

I know myself and my outcomes more than I often realize in the moment. That part is true.

I got asked out by a girl on Hinge. She was so intense -it was at once both extremely desirable and off-putting. One of the things I've often liked about other people is how much they like me. Like--oh you get it, I AM amazing...I'm glad we both agree. Someone who can see that right away...how can you deny yourself that? 

I unmatched her. I didn't want to be pressured into something like I was with the Forty Year Old (a mistake). How do humans stand a chance. The moment we are living is rarely just the moment. It's all the moments before. They shape and influence us. Sometimes for the better but more memorably for the worse. 

I deleted my old number. It's something I should have done a week or two ago. But I thought I could conquer the anxiety of rejection. Spoiler - still can't. It sucks. 

But if we're looking on the bright side.. this only lasted 2 weeks..instead of 10 years. That's progress. 

Money and choices made that possible. It was $10 to change and delete that number I hardly use. Each moment of silence was compounded rejection that just fueled Mean Brain.  $10 later I don't have to constantly check my phone or feel the pain over and over again. And this was a guy I didn't even like. 

I've never really liked any of the guys. Which makes me wonder if I like girls...a lot of people seem to think I do.  I like romance. I want someone to hug me, occasionally lay on top of me like a weighted blanket, and ask me how my day was.  Bonus points - if they can help me remember things ...like what my insurance policies cover or how awesome I am. 

Lots of people don't get the fairy tale ending. Even carefree white girls. I think that's why as much as they scare me, I like true crime stories. So many happy lives just ended for no reason. I can commiserate with those left behind. We are left asking why. Why didn't they get a happy ending?

I don't know what's worse being murdered by a stranger while you're minding your own business or having your life taken by someone who promised to love you...and did so long enough that your guard was completely down. 

So I think the anxiety of Big Job HR s\Screen was hijacking my amygdala again. But like the date, it was a gamble that seemed worth it. Apparently, that's not something I've been able to say no to.

At #almost40, I'm doomed to still get it wrong. Maybe it's the consequences of leaving room for hope. Maybe it's the consequences of not knowing what your Enough is. Or knowing it and not quite reaching it. 

Maybe it's the privileges of a Good Life. 

Who knows anymore.

So yes, what's making me anxious today:

- Big Job HR Screen (do they want me or not? if yes, will I make an impact? will I leave a legacy? will I be great at this job?)

- Test Results (less so, thank God)

- Deleted from anxiety roster: Will he or won't he??

Maybe it's autumn and I just want to be happy. These are things I already knew about life and myself. I hate that I have to be reminded but here we are. I live in Death House with my hairy body and Gold Tooth. This is my life now. The rest of it is just distractions.