So yes, I'm back on the apps.
I have rejoined Hinge for the 3rd time in so many weeks. It was so fun the first time, but now it's getting nasty. Do Men even like women? It's something I've been wondering ever since watching more and more reality dating shows (Bachelor, Bachelor in Paradise, Love Island, Temptation Island). Do people even want to be in relationships or is it just a thing we do because it's a thing that's done?
On the apps people are always surprised that I've never been in a relationship. But for a woman that has a decent job and no desire for kids, what is the benefit? Truly?
I remember the moment I realized that life wasn't just a conveyor belt of things to check-off - that you actually had a say in some of the things. Why would anyone outside of religion choose marriage in today's world? Men kill women. Men hurt women. What is the benefit??
Some Bible teachers believe in terms of relationships life can be lived 2 ways only - celibate life of service or marriage.
Having seen my aunt live 30 years without a partner (and never complained) the case for life with one is hard won.
Here's how the 3 insults have gone.
Match 1
Me: Cost of living is so much lower here. It's why I left my old neighborhood. The median income of my old neighborhood is twice what is here.
Match1: (mansplanation, having literally done no research on it, something to the effect of..) I'm sure with all things considered, it's about the same
Me: (what fresh nonsense is this?? Is this where I demurely smile (virtually) and say you're so smart and brave... what are the rules here?? so I say nothing either for a few hours or a day) *thinking face emoji*
Match1: What does that mean?
Match1: Your conversation is clunky.
Me: Rude
That was pretty much it. I'm sure he had some explanation. But like... do they think they're now going to convert me into whatever he thinks I need to be. The height of toxic masculinity. So what are the norms here. Do you correct behavior. Do you address it? Is anyone willing to change? I was thinking the Golden Rule was if you can't say anything nice, don't say anything at all. Do you provide unsolicited feedback? Does it make a difference? I certainly don't think they can change my behavior, so do I dare to think they can change mine? But our interactions with people whether we want them to or not become a part of our story. Another thing I thought was you generally just try to work things out with people you care about, relationships worth keeping. That's what the internet says. You don't owe anyone else an explanation.
Match 2
Tried to tell me through text on a dating app why I should get vaccinated. Literally toxic masculinity. The entire diatribe was problematic. He tried all the angles. "Smart people" get vaccinated. Basically, don't you know better. Are you reading misinformation. I mean just a beatdown from all angles. Mind you, I told him I was a clinician...and he's a comedian. But somehow HE was the authority not just on vaccines but what I should do with my body. This is modern day courting?
Match 3
Told me I should get cats and die alone because I'm almost 40. It's hard not to be rude back in your head. This is because I wouldn't give him my phone number and said I would be willing to meet up when mask mandates are lifted. Obviously your feelings are hurt and you feel rejected but what does that have to do with me. So yeah, you put up boundaries and demand to respected you can expect an adult male to show his true colors. Again begging the question - do men even LIKE women? How are these people allowed to exist.
All I want to know is.. do I say something back or just Unmatch?
I need to be better at taking screenshots.
The first red flag was when I didn't respond to his compliment. He literally called me out on it - oh, I guess you don't like compliments. I feel like there has to be appropriate verbiage to name this behavior. Like you need that much validation from a stranger. Why do you hate women?? Let me try to think - it's as though he's putting words in my mouth...no... he wants to tell me how I behave..no... ugh... I'll think of it or read it somewhere...
Part of me was trying to have fun. Literally, just talking to strangers. Not rude people. So I cast a wider net. I didn't expect to catch stingrays. I'm so disengaged with social media that I had not really experienced internet bullying or trolls or people being nasty for no reason. I was just reading about women walking down the street and rude things being said to them. I didn't know this happened and happens even on dating apps when everyone is looking for someone.
So my safer parameters are really:
Educated older men with professional jobs.
When I swipe Yes on a guy, I make sure they have a job listed and preferably a college. It's why I liked Hinge.
But I was accepting all matches just for fun. Do I let one guy ruin my fun? I'll count the 40 year old as the first strike, this is the 2nd strike. I'll keep accepting matches for "fun" for one more strike, then I'm going to narrow my deal breakers and/or who I accept matches from.
That being said, I might get back on OKC and just filter more.
Possible comebacks I came up with last night for funsies:
#pearlsbeforeswine
- sexy
- right
- Rude
- Misogynist / Did you know you were a misogynist?
- Future wife beater?
- Do you hate women?
- False
- just ignore (and make them wonder why I stay matched)
- yeah
- Nope
- Awww...poor baby
#misogynoir
- Yeah, I haven't been skiing since high school (thought: just make them feel crazy like oh I thought we were just saying random stuff that doesn't matter)
- oh you can see the future...when did you discover your gift?
- oh cool
- as my old job would say: That's amazing! I love that! (I guess in the same vein of ...oh I thought we were just saying random stuff that doesn't matter/ isn't true)
- oh cool, now I'm definitely into you!
- my favorite kind of man are Men that insult women
- I love emotional violence in a man!
- sounds accurate (got that from Chrisley Knows Best)
Racist Friend
Also in dealing with the vitriol on these apps, I realized my racist friend is a lot like these guys. If you're not paying attention to him, he's not interested. If he's not "winning" at whatever conversation you're having, he's not interested. And I always believed he used me but now I think the correct term is that I was his emotional booty-call. But like a true sunk cost believer, I keep trying to make it work. I unequivocally am not attracted to him or secretly harbor some fantasy of a romantic life together. But I just can't believe I was so wrong about him. About all of them (old friends).
Anxiety Update
The few things that were making me anxious
- Waiting to hear from big job: Womp, womp. A Tuesday came and went and nothing.
- Waiting to get test results back- they said up to like 5 business days but I got the results back Sunday night. And it was negative!! Praise the Lord!
Was that it? And it's more or less confirmed that my next project doesn't start till 2022.
Yesterday, I did get a strong urge to message old boss. I might do it to put some sunshine back in the day to recover from yesterday's nonsense.
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