Hello, friends. It may not have been forever, but it feels like it. Some days feel like so much happened, while other days are as unmemorable as the year has been.
After the moratorium on work, I needed new ways to distract myself and my thoughts. So as you know I joined some dating apps. I don't remember what my objective was - a date, distraction, a relationship, marriage? Maybe all of the above if dared to dream big. But with reality a constant reminder, I kept my expectations at bay...until I didn't.
As we all know, I'm a big sucker for Feelings. They hijack my life most of the time which is why things like money matters have to be automated because most of the time I just don't FEEL like doing anything about it. I know my limitations on that front.
Anyway, I have so much to say and yet nothing at all. I'm learning a lot about my personality - nothing earth shattering just different parts of my personality are being magnified in this romantic experiment. Namely, I'm an anxious girl. I want what I want when I want it!
For my first 30 years of life, I went into every life experience with the hope that the ultimate outcome would be a meet-cute followed by true love. NEVER HAPPENED. So I gave up and loosened my morals a little.
I'm 37 and my loose morals have come back into focus again.
With 2 months of a light workload and the upcoming holiday season, I needed a distraction and fast. My tears couldn't keep me company anymore because they stopped coming. Busy work couldn't hold my attention anymore. At least after 37 years, I knew this time of year was coming. There is something cozy about fall and the holiday season that makes me extremely nostalgic and happy and effusive. I just want to love all the people. And when they don't want to love me back, it sucks.
So I got on the dating apps. A couple of bad apples made me delete them multiple times in 1 weekend. But the call of fall reminded me to focus on some companionship for the remainder of the year. Then work started to pick up and I wondered if that would be enough. Somehow, working nights and weekends just don't have the same appeal they once did.
So back on the apps. Hinge was going nowhere.
Recap of Hinge.
2 Fast Flames that burned out after 2 days. Womp, womp. They weren't dates, but for the sake of storytelling, I'll call them 2 dates. I can't seem to make it past the second date.
So that got less fun. To be fair, I do tend to burn hot and cold. I'm part 'let's work it out' girl and part 'love-bomb' girl. I romanticize every encounter and fast forward to our happy ending. But alas, I can't seem to make it past 2 dates.
So then I decided to re-brand the experience as the "entertainment" the app owners market it to be. Just re-consider my interactions as mini love stories. Duh, my favorite!
So I persisted. I mean the holidays are right around the corner - I've even encountered my first set of porch privates in action. That can only mean one thing - holidays are coming!
I have to recalibrate moment by moment it seems. But when I take the person (me) out of the experience and just focus on the experience, it's more fun. I realized I somehow feel obligated to people that are literally strangers on the internet. What is that about?? Like I have to invent these elaborate stories of why I can't meet or give out my phone number when really - I don't want to.
I don't think you're that cute. You don't do anything for me. You're too aggressive. But we all know none of that stuff matters, when you like the other person. Who even knows what 'like' means - they have a cute picture + nice job? That seems to be it for me. Don't be weird. And be really into me.
I realized I'm a really great storyteller. I realize I feed off the other person's energy. I morph into whatever I think will best suit the situation. I don't think this is as bad as I thought it was. I think we all save face in one way or another when we interact with people. You don't cuss and wear a bathing suit to church. Just like you don't wear a nun's habit and hold bible study at a bar. That's just being a human with good social form.
Enter Ashley Madison. Somehow, the propositions on the regular dating apps were a turn off. Maybe the guy wasn't cute enough or I don't like the presumption even though I've been known to do the same thing. Humans.
It was taking too long to find a good date and someone I'd want to be in a relationship with let alone get busy with.
So I went with Plan B- find a FWB that won't make it weird.
In my short time on the regular dating apps, I felt like the guys I interacted with almost were turned off by a woman who was too forward. So it seemed to reinforce the stereotype that guys like to be the hunter and pursuer. They were not as willing to pull the trigger when the tables were turned. I found them cowering in retreat. Oh well, just change the channel. Remember this is for entertainment purposes only.
So... I asked the internet and learned that Ashley Madison was free for women to join. I wasn't sure what to expect as there was surprisingly little on the experience for regular people. So I uploaded two of the photos from my regular dating profile and set out to see what I could see.
Like the first weekend of Hinge, it was awesome! I don't know if these apps can just sense newbies and give them the best experience and then it tapers off or if it's just a high I feel from the newness. In case you didn't know, I used to love trying new things!
On Ashley Madison, I am a 27 year old attached female looking for flirty chats and possible short term FWB. Being 27 was such a genius move. I love the attention! There I said it. Guys 20 to 30 years my senior are into my "young" nubile photos. Haha.
Since I'm lying, I figure at least some portion of the guys on there are lying. I have a hard time believing they're all really married. I choose the stereotype that they're just jerks looking to hookup without having to commit. Fine, I'm here to play too!
I was feeling bolder the first weekend I joined and was willing to hookup but it was even hard then to get the guys to pull the trigger. They're paying money to be gun shy. One issue I ran into was finding a place to actually meet, since everyone is pretending to be married. I think there were a couple that offered to get a room, but I don't remember why that didn't materialize.
I don't have a phone! So, I spent most of one weekend day trying to activate my phone. That would make me feel safer. I'm also pretending to live in my old neighborhood which is a lot more affluent than the one I live in. So I have had to dodge quick turnaround times since it's likely a 2 hour drive for me.
So that was my first roadblock - get a phone first MERJ.
Then it got cooler and I was like meh, do I really want to leave my house? No!
But the dirty chats have been super fun. It's like I'm starring in my own smut romance novel. For once, I get to be the star. I'm the ingenue in my own narrative instead of the best friend or side kick. I had heard before that white guys secretly fantasize about being with black girls. My oh my is it very true on this site.
I would love to say I feel bad or offended, but so far it's really fun. Everyone is there for the same reason - to type out a fantasy.
I had over 100 requests to interact within a few days. I don't understand the requests from people out of the country. From a technical standpoint, the site is a little confusing to figure out.
I didn't originally have any criteria, and I try to create some sort of filter to get through the messages but even that has been inconsistent. Sometimes I want to just flirty chat and other times I like the idea of leading up to meeting for a hookup.
What I didn't realize till later was that the guys pay PER MESSAGE. So for now, the cheapskates that immediately want to text or email or kik or snapchat don't get my attention. If I wanted to be treated poorly like a cheap date, I could live my normal life. See, what I mean by entertainment. On this app, I feel so powerful and desirable. I can say No!! Well sort of.. the ones I actively engage I actually feel bad trying to hold them off (like I said I run hot and cold).
My best experience by far has been a love bomb by a 45 year old. He has messaged me constantly for about 5 days. And the messages range somewhere around 25 to 40 cents PER MESSAGE. (I wish I could get a cut off that!) That part alone makes me love it! We are in this great erotic romance novel and it feels amazing. It has been just the right amount of distraction I need to not focus so much on the few that actually want to hook up.
But I feel he's starting to cool off a little. But hey, I made it past 2 days!!! Progress.
Anyway, that's pretty much what I've been up to these last few days - compromising my morals and getting into things.
Oh I also got my hair done just in case a date materializes out of all of this.
It's funny, last night the well was a little dry and I was feeling a little forgotten and I wondered if I should just get off the apps and focus on work and self care (you know me... one extreme to the other), then I thought about messaging my old roommate from college. Nope! That was a good reminder of exactly what I'm in store for if I don't stay on the apps and try to either remain distracted or find a regular companion to help me pass the time. I will be pining for people that have not prioritized me in their life. I can't go back to that. Onwards, MERJ!
Other news
Nothing else really.
I bought a freezer full of food and have been refusing to cook. I wonder if I should get another cooked food delivery like I did last year. The two dishes that I liked were great in a pinch. Warm and filling. Maybe I'll ask my brother for the local lady that cooks and ships food. My freezer is pretty full, but maybe I can squeeze in 2 to 3 more bowls just to have as backup. I think I will do that actually just to give myself options.
I sent 2k overseas to my family when they asked. I did it without blinking. The only tricky part was I'm running lean on cashflow so had to move money around to get that much in one account. But it was actually an okay ask because I'd been wanting to send $500/mon anyway. So my giving for the year is done.
I have a project that was just assigned that has the potential to keep me busy for the rest of the year. Womp, womp. I was just settling into my light workload life. Oh, well. I have no meetings today so I have to figure out what to do with myself.
I want some pancakes.
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