Sep 11, 2022, Back in Seattle

 Yeah with the drama at work and the recent bout of tearfulness, I went ahead and just booked a last minute ticket to Seattle. Since I had been stalking short term rentals, that was also just a few clicks away. Yay, technology! Yay, money!

As it stands, I have an active project finishing at the end of the month. Then I'm taking 3 weeks off in October. There is technically another project ongoing at the time, but I'm not concerning myself with that.

It's 2a PST as I type this early Sunday morning. So I've been here about 1 full day (Saturday), and so far so good. My objectives are a little murky, but that's okay too. Too much pressure otherwise. Generally, I want to be out more, socialize and sort of think about making a life here. 

I talked to someone on the plane and got their number. And yesterday at the meetup, an eager 25 year old offered to drive me home (after I posted for a ride in the Meetup group). So that was nice, I practiced changing my mind. I wanted to regret it, but I didn't. I was mostly concerned with not having cash to pay him and not wanting to figure out an app. But I think for now I'll just stick to Zelle on my local bank, since I already use the app on my iPad. I'll try to keep like $50 on there, and maybe offer people like $5 for a ride home, since that's like about a gallon of gas in these parts. My main concern was that my banks that use Zelle are under my old name.

And, surprise! On the trip here, I just decided to start going by my new name. A theme is emerging of - what am I waiting for! I've been waiting 40 years for my life to start. Temperance was supposed to be my theme for this year, but it doesn't suit me. Waiting for my destiny no longer makes sense to me. There is no destiny. There's just today. And there's this emerging idea of the buffet of life choices. We all just get different selections. It's easier for me to navigate my world this way.

The other way was bringing me down... all the way down.

I got on Hinge briefly because secret love is a tough habit to break. I told myself it was to find the Iranian from earlier this year, but luckily I'd forgotten enough details about him, that I couldn't filter for him. I told myself to wait until Sunday to see if he'd find me, but after about 6 hours with no matches from anyone, I realized the risk of emotional distress was greater than the benefit of possibly getting a ride to the State Fair (which was my immediate goal). 

It's hard not being able to think 3 steps ahead anymore.

So, yes, I went to a walking meetup. It was a bit distressing and I did put the pressure on to do something, anything yesterday! I knew if I decided to sleep in that would start me off on the wrong foot. I probably could have gotten more settled in and unpacked a bit, but I forced myself to go. It ended up taking all day using transit, but I'm still glad I did.

Later today, I plan on going to another meetup as well. I really want to go to the State Fair but can't find a ride, and taking transit doesn't seem like it's going to work out. 

But yes, the big news is I'm in Seattle! And I'm going by my new name. 

Nothing big or life affirming has happened. There were no feels. I'm mostly just terrified and figuring it out as I go along. Like, can I really live any period of time waking up at 6a on cold dark mornings. We shall see. 

Maybe signs worked for other people, but not me. I'm going to talk about it alot because it's 40 years of erroneous thinking that I have to detangle. 

The girl on the plane returned the question I'd asked her of, are you going home for Christmas. It was another light bulb moment of um, I don't really have a home to go to. My parents are effectively dead, and it's just me. I finally have no friends and no really close family members. It's just me and an unstable companion of a life. 

I did make a tentative plan for next year, so we shall see. I have to tell you even in the brief 2 days leading up to this trip, including the plane ride I was vacillating on both ends of the spectrum of - I'm glad I came, and I wish I were back in NC. 

Some other thoughts:

I'm thinking of doing some meal kits while I'm here. I want to take advantage of first time offers from about 3 companies. Next month would be better since I'll have more free time and energy, but I just want to start it. I can't take 5,000 years to make decisions anymore. Especially on something as silly as meal delivery. 

Some things are different. My old rental was definitely a lot nicer and the layout made sense. This one has some weird things that make a daily routine a bit challenging. I don't really have a bedside table so I'm not sure where to put my devices and water. The TV is at the other end of the apartment, so not sure how I will fall asleep at night. The shower shoots water straight across instead of down. There's no fan, which shouldn't be a problem after this hot weekend. 

And there's no gym. I really wanted to work on getting my arms' muscle tone back and see if that helps with some of my aches and pains. 

But yeah, I'd already thought about meal delivery and after spending $50 on a few items at the co-op market, I think this makes sense. A mommie blogger had posted how the meal kits didn't make sense for her family and wondered who it made sense for. Well, it makes sense for people living in cities without cars where you typically are limited to the 1 bag of groceries you can carry in your arms for a half mile or so. It's a whole production to stock up, and just a few clicks for a meal kit. 

Like most people who choose convenience over frugality, I'm not presently interested in the amount of planning it would take to stock up on groceries that you have to figure out how to transport. And actually as I type this, I think meals already prepped makes sense but I don't remember liking many of the ones I tried enough to do that research, and I don't feel like researching a bunch of companies.

Plus, hopefully if I'm awake, the cooking will give me something to do. Alright my battery is running low. More later!