Wed, Sep 14, 2022

 I think morning tears are a part of my life now. I've tried to explain to multiple therapists that I don't want to live this life.

Black therapist is kind of like, you're stuck, talk to a life coach or a dating coach. I'm like I need help coping, she's like oh, coping, here are some things people do when they're stressed - and it's just a bunch of activities, ie, distractions. 

So I'm getting more and more confirmation from professionals that this is really it. Morning tears, disappointment, and distractions are what I have to look forward to for the next 40 years. I guess this coming year will reveal how well I can cope with this bleak outlook. 

Oh well.

I can't help but look at my life's buffet, no one that I know personally has the life with a life partner I want. On the outside, it might seem that way, but I don't know. I think I'm missing the companionship and now this physical affection (this is new!). I don't know, I'm so tired of thinking about it.

I'm so sleepy. I'm trying not to sleep during the day so that I can fall asleep at night, but boy am I sleepy. We might have to try something new because I've been waking up at 2a the last few nights anyway. But I am falling asleep quickly, so that's good. I guess I just have to sleep train myself. I mostly wake up hot.

One thing that did help in today's sessions is accounting for what I've been up to. Accomplishments:

- Moving to seattle!

- Hanging out with people closer to my age!

- And getting out in nature, ie. walking the park loop

That felt nice to realize that.

I did those things!

And to bury the lede, I went to karaoke last night with a Vegan group, and it was fun! I didn't want to leave until I sang my 3 songs, but after 2 hours, I went home so I could wake up for my meeting today and not walk home when it was pitch black. Maybe next time I'll stay later. 

I walked home alone and it was fine, still not preferred, but I did it.

My neighborhood is pretty quiet. There weren't that many people out and about like downtown Seattle.

But on the way to the train, I got a little lost and this woman walked me to the train station! That was so nice! I got her number.

And then at the Meetup, people were so friendly and I had some nice friendly chats. There was a really nice girl but she's going back to San Diego today. And this time, someone actually asked for my number to be friends. A white guy invited me to a vegan-queer murder mystery party. I think his boyfriend is black because he seemed really eager to invite me. Oh well. It felt nice to be the one being asked to be the friend.

I felt with the volleyball group, people were mostly there to play and making friends was not part of it, so I'm glad I chose a less active activity.

But I think I'm going to go to the murder mystery party. I think the party is probably going to skew young, but that's okay.

I'm also really glad my actual work is ramping down a bit. There's a few things left to do, but it should be mostly menial tasks.

Overall, I need to figure out some staples to keep in the house to eat between meals out or until my food delivery comes. 

I'm more decided that the meal kit is the best option for me at this point until I can figure things out. I have yet to make it to Safeway but I think I was in the general direction yesterday when I was by the train station so it seems less far away and foreign. Maybe I'll pick up some oil tonight on the way to my 7p Meetup. 

I might stay in Friday night and sleep because I have a big day Saturday and a half day event Sunday.

Oh, I scheduled the 4th meal kit company. At about $24 for 6 meals, that beats the $15 I spent on a rice bowl yesterday that was only 1 meal. I spent about $25 in prepared food yesterday without even thinking about it. 

So I'm trying to think like a resident but also not stock up too much since I am mostly planning to return to NC when my 2 months is up. I'm just mentally moved to Seattle, but I'll physically be back in NC.