Sun, Sep 4, The single best decision I made

 To date, the single best decision I ever made was having a hysterectomy and not having kids. I've wondered about all my other ones, but this one has to be the best one.

Call it a moment of lucidity or crazy, but I will be so happy when I die knowing I didn't leave a child in my wake to endure the pains of this world. 

This morning I had a small teary spell. It just hit me. I was barely awake. And I think just the overwhelm of yet another day living the life I don't want or want to live.

Maybe I'll get some burritos later. 

I'm getting tired of trying to numb myself with food at this point.

Even though I wasn't feeling it, I searched Hello Landing again to stalk the rental property I've had my eye on. It's been snatched up!

It's probably best.

I found a replacement property just to steel my nerves and just in case the crying gets worse. 

I think I can make it the rest of the year spending just about $5k for the last 4 months of 2022. That will ring my annual spend to around $35k/year.

If I go to Seattle, I'm looking at over $40k. Neither number scares me.

I knew I was going to spend more this year and wanted to know what that looked like without any real budget other than the money that was available. 

I've exchanged 1 email with a guy from the app. I looked him up to day, and at best I can sum him up as a struggling writer. Although I say emotional support is what I was looking for, there was some baseline of financial stability that is preferred.

Oh well. 

In other news, money wise, I still have this idea of doing 3-6 months in Seattle next year. I wanted to check the numbers to see if the short term rentals still make sense. For just the convenience of having a place with a few clicks and a credit card, it was an easy yes. 

But as I priced apartments based on any available numbers, it still looks like 2k to 2500/mon in the places I was looking. A couple places started their range around $1800, but I don't know if I trust those numbers. Plus that doesn't include utilities and other startup costs. So my budget of $2500-3000/mon for short term rental in really nice apartments, seems reasonable. 

Then I looked up some negative reviews about Seattle to make sure I wasn't stuck in la la land, and that kind of discouraged me - racism, entitlement, dark, cold winter, cold people.

Then I thought, trying to dodge racism is what led me here, surprisingly enough. I got sick of feeling like I had to choose between affordable housing and a safe space to exist. 

In the places where it matters - housing and jobs - racism exists in the small town as well as the big city. One of my aunts still struggles with people challenging her authority now that she's the big boss. And she lives in suburban DC. So just because some places are used to seeing more non-white people doesn't mean positions of power are any easier to attain. 

It may make it a challenge to make friends though. But what are the facts, I think I wanted to replicate my small town upbringing. It was nice to feel like I was part of a community. But maybe that childhood is gone. Those people were pretty horrible to my primary caregiver in the workplace.  I think that was the appeal of NC. 

I also thought a Romeo and Juliet type southern romance would be nice, but that has not manifested either. I think there was a bit of a dream deferred when I got accepted to Duke and had to leave before even completing one full semester. I came either to relive that dream or die with it.

At some points, I've thought this is where the dream life I had died, so it seems fitting that I die here too.

I remember even Maya Angelou gave the South a chance because this was her home.

But here's the thing - this is not my home.

I don't know if Seattle is the place I can go next, but more and more I am feeling like if I choose life, I probably need to get out of the coffin.