Fri, Sep 23, 2022, One last prayer

 Dear Diary, 

As I slowly and quickly (all at once) let go of 40 years of divine ordination, I said one last prayer..while on the toilet...so quite vulnerable.

I just felt myself slipping into old ways maybe as a last hurrah because I know moving forward I will be forever changed. 

I had to pray one more time in case there is such a thing as guardian angels, in case there is such a thing as romantic love; in case there is such a thing as life-affirming partnership and community; in case there is such a thing as a last prayer; in case my grandma, aunt, and biological father can intercede on my behalf; in case there is such a thing as being beloved individually by God; in case there is such a thing as pure, perfect love. 

I know I can't pray these prayers anymore.

I know I can't look for hope in tiny spaces and signs and symbols. I know that th Universe isn't a living breathing thing. It doesn't punish us for our actions or reward us in kind. There's no butterfly effect. There's no meaning, and there's no divine purpose. 

And it's okay.

So I haven't gone out or really socialized since Monday. I did fall into the dumps yesterday. I bought salty and sweet snacks and watched TV and binge-read internet articles. 

Maybe some things are science and not hoax - maybe it's just observed science that when you say goals out loud you really do feel like you've accomplished them. So it's not jinxing yourself. It's just observations. 

This week, I've walked the loop 0 times. I was just too tired from mental work exhaustion and not wanting to feel the fatigue and tightness on my legs from walking. 

Anyway, I'm all over the place. 

I will say it's a bit freeing to be released from some old friends like officially, officially - my cousin, my work colleague, my one friend from undergrad, and kind of my other friend from undergrad. A little bit my Maryland Aunty, and Seattle Mom.

Seattle Mom was part of a dream. Meeting her was a "sign" that I was "meant" to live in Seattle; and that everything would be okay; that it was the start of this great life and path to eternal happiness. That's a fantasy. 

Is this like sysiphus and the cave? I've seen the light. It kind of burns my eyes. 

So stay with me on this journey into the abyss.

If 3 high achieving black girl marriages served as the tipping point into this dating abyss, then 2 devastating black girl break-up and no-nos have righted me again. But not really because those relationships could also have worked out and we could ALL have lived happily ever after. I can't be comforted by the misery of others.

Oh well. 

I might spend yet another day lounging in bed and eating my snacks. I have essentially 3 events tomorrow.