Yeah, part of what I've been doing over the last few years is trying to make sense of my past. The fact that I'm not in regular contact with people that were once BFFs is astounding. What was the point?
There is one committee member that I've been unsure about since we've met and our relationship has taken on many forms - from frenemy to foe to no-contact. I'm tired of guessing and re-drawing mental boundaries.
We're not friends. That's it.
I'm glad I didn't end up giving new Internet Stranger number to this person or any other old acquaintances. I got caught up in my own fantasy, but yeah, I gotta just relinquish the past and keep moving forward. That sucks but oh well.
I had been even a little bit excited about them coming to visit, but that feeling was not returned. There's just so much about myself that I like and I'm tired of having to fine tune it for other people. I really like who I am, and it sucks that other people don't.
Despite it all, I just want to be me.
And that likely means I'll be alone for the foreseeable future.
That just has to be okay.
What I don't like about Frenemy - they make me feel like a bother sometimes when I call, yet they will regularly chide me for not being available to them; they like to have the last word but don't realize that they do this; they don't chime in when I make really strident efforts to actively listen; we may just have different communication styles but it's starting to make me feel bad and anxious and I don't like that.
I don't know they just seem unpredictable.
I do like sharing my photos though. Mostly, I'm looking at how it benefits me - it encourages me to take photos! And that enhances the experience somehow that someone is looking. Someone is corroborating my existence.
The Meetups for this week have significantly died down. I'm glad I took advantage of the flurry of activity last week.
Work has been a bit mentally tiring so I haven't felt like going out the last couple of days. So I'm still calibrating this. I went to 1 meetup event on Monday and I have 2 events planned with individuals this weekend. We shall see if those work out.
Accomplishments:
- Warmed up leftovers
- Worked about 10 hours today
- Made it to second half of therapy session today after accidentally missing the first half
- Asked for more time on a project
- Woke up this morning
- Got apples and peanut butter for work-stress snack (plus some chocolates)
- Didn't get the DF cheese curls that make my stomach feel squashy
- Made a bit of a budget yesterday to figure out what life looks like splitting time between both coasts
Ugh, on the food delivery, I affirm that cooking daily is probably not in the cards when I have a full workload. I didn't know I'd be this busy this week though.
If I could do it over, I'd start with just the two boxes and do them every other week. I just wanted to capitalize on the energy I had to sign up. But this is good data for if I stay or come back.
Because I love budgets and planning, here are some preliminary scratch notes for future plans:
So living full time in WA
Annual spend: $60k/ basic
Potential save: $34k/yr
Thought: what am I still saving for though; this is kind of where I started on my FIRE journey, so not really that bad; would use bonus for any extras; or just focus savings on maxing out 401k
Living 6 in NC/ 6 in WA
Annual spend: $45k/ basic+
Potential save: ~50k/yr
Thought: kinda spend half/save half
Full time NC
Annual spend: $30k/ basic (w/tithe and student loans)
Potential save: 65k/yr
It's nice to see the numbers. I already kind of new I could technically afford living in Seattle, as in I have the money to meet my basic expenses plus some. It's just a matter of making it make sense. What am I doing here? NC made sense for financial reasons.
Did I tell you I went to a LGBTQ meetup, and if I were truly active in that community and wanted to find somewhere where I could belong, maybe Seattle would make sense too, but I'm not.
I'm fine being black in Cumberland County.
Waiting around for something to call to me hasn't happened. If you count when I landed in NC, it's been 10+ years. If you count when I started working, whoa, it's been 7 years! Whoa, where did the time go!
I feel kinda like a rich kid with rich kid problems. Which yacht should I take out today?
But I'm not rich and I don't have a yacht.
I'm sure at some point this was the life I wished for - money and no responsibilities. And I still like that life, I just wish I had something to tie it too. Oh well.
I think I just need to let go of the fear that I'm missing out on a higher purpose.
I think for now the half/half makes sense because I get the circuit part of things that I usually like. I get to slum it in NC and save money and then can come back to Seattle (or presumably another destination) in the summer and have something to look forward to. I can get down with that.
So I'm grateful for FIRE for letting me have the financial means to make these choices.
FIRE is like the world's best financial safety net.
Plus this is like having a vacation home that I don't have to maintain.
And now I have budgets for both lives - regular NC life and Summer Life.
I will say when I watch shows like Summer House, I did always think it would be cool to have a summer share house.
This is kind of like that - part of the fun is having roommates which I would be more open to with Bungalow if I didn't have to solve the problem of getting a bed/bedding/towels, etc.
I think the parameters of a job schedule and modest finances is probably good. It makes it a bit of a puzzle instead of a free for all.
So the default is probably Seattle for next year unless something else calls to me.
So I guess I get to straddle both lines of being FI and a little RE (by relocating part of the year). This is good. This is a good problem to have.
And although this year, I haven't felt strongly about traveling outside the country, I think these short term rental options might change that.
While AirBnB is probably a good, efficient, and or cheaper option, I like using bigger companies. I've never been much of a small-business girl.
It's definitely nice to have a financial plan for next year, at least for a starting point. I feel good. Thanks, God, wherever you are :)
So yeah, let's see. I feel relieved from this pressure to make these long-term friendships. The pressure of finding a relationship is gone. I'm releasing myself from that goal.
From my counselors so far, I'm more confident it's just a waiting game. There's no universal purpose or truth or even reality. I just have to keep reminding myself of that.
I'm lucky to have the "Beach House" and minimum wage that can tide me over if needed.
I think for now, I'll just keep working until I can't work anymore - either emotionally, physically, or when I've been let go.
So I think plan for rest of year, finish out my time here. Still plan to do the things and meet the people. Just have fun, no pressure.
And for next year, plan to summer elsewhere. Open to different time frames depending on region and or workload. I know for the most part, I plan to work and frontload 401k in Jan to Mar 2023. After that, we'll see.
That will be fun to see.
So this is retirement in your middle-ages!
As for counseling, since I won't be in anymore foreseeable distressing situations, I'll do every 2 weeks with Katie until I leave Seattle, and maybe 1 in Nov and 1 in Dec just to finish out the year; and I'll finish the CBT training because why not.
So yeah, this is what spending looks like.
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