Mon, Sep 5, '22, Take a deep breath

 I'm back in a mood. I have the day off since it's Labor Day. I think I felt both this sense of urgency and yet desire to do nothing. 

I just woke up feeling bad. I don't know if it's the therapy exercise I had to complete for today but I was back thinking about the boy.

I can't focus on the TV shows. Literally, there's this show on Netflix called Partner Track and I'm just having such a hard time understanding what they're saying. I know they're speaking English, but it's like I can't make out the words. 

I think I'm going to get a burrito today.

I did feel like making cornbread and hot chocolate yesterday but never got around to it. But that's more that cozy sense of fall is around.

I'm hopeful that the warehouse job will physically wear me out so these fall sleeps will be nice.

I decided to go ahead and use my 3 weeks of vacation in October. It seems a bit redundant since I don't have any active projects then, but I'm trying not to over think it.

I think this waiting and waiting for some sort of undeniable affirmation that I'm making the right choice doesn't jive with my current way of looking at the world.

I'm not as rooted in faith as I probably need to be to hear God's call. 

I did a quick Google search of places to visit in the fall and the ones that stuck out were Asheville, NC and Acadia National Park in Maine.

Neither of those places were cities in the portfolio of any of the rental companies I like to peruse.

I didn't really give Asheville a chance because the first few listings on AirBnB were people's homes. I just have general distaste of NC and renting from individuals because I ran into some discrimination with shared housing when I first moved to NC in 2011. So there was some left over trauma there.

A Purple Life had done a review on Maine so I quickly scanned her post, and she visited Portland, Maine. I couldn't quite figure out the neighborhood she stayed in but I think I was close based on some of the spots she visited. They seem kind of far for walking but we shall see. 

That part of Maine is a peninsula so I hope I get to see some water views.

Eventhough I said the trigger for me moving to Seattle was supplementing my income by about $60-65k, earlier today I realized even if I spend that much on my current salary, after 10 years with a generous 8%, and contributing just a bit more than a maxed out 401k (~2k/mon), I'd still come out at 1.5 million at the end.

When I put that in perspective, it seemed less scary to not be saving all that money.

When I looked at my original FIRE tracker projections, that's half a million more than I thought I'd be in 2032, so that helped add some wind to my sails.

It's more than I'd have if I'd died this year or last. 

I'd be around 50 and if for some reason a high cost of living is where my people were (~60k/yr), then I could still FIRE at that number.

So I won't get the crazy celebration and accolades of truly leaving the workplace in my 30s, but oh well, Chasing accolades was a young girl's game.

Now I just have to pick a place and go.

The other thought I had recently about signs is, instead of thinking that there's all these signs I need to fine and or interpret, I can just think of people and experiences I encounter as a buffet of choices. I get to see what people think and do and decide what I want for myself. That's basically what people do, but I was waiting for something higher, something greater, something that led to eternal happiness. And more and more, I find that doesn't exist. Shocker.

I asked a couple of my therapists what the purpose of life was:

Person A - something about building a life chasing your passions, like she liked serving people and wanted to build a youth community center

Person B- she said relational, something about building relationships with other people

If I ever wrote another book, that would be it. Remember when the chicken soup for the soul books were popular and it was just people sharing their stories. That's what this would be, a collection of randos sharing what the purpose of life is.

If all we're doing is sharing each other's ideas, why not have it in book form.

I still feel nervous somehow for some reason. I feel anxious and the feeling is just going to overwhelm me.