I think it's important to note that because I've been stuck in grey clouds for soooo long. This was further punctuated in my counseling session today. He was asking me a question I was getting stuck on, so he proceeded to recall all my thoughts from my last 5 sessions, to include:
§ Alone forever
§ Don't want to live if alone
§ Pestering people
§ Low priority
§ Die alone
§ is life worth living
§ Dying alone
§ Why do I have no friends, I should try harder
§ Issue of seattle; running away from life
§ Is this all there is
§ Considering your life direction
§ What's the purpose of all this
§ Financial stuff - money for memories; memories require more money
§ Alone forever
- Will I be single and alone and will that lead to despair
Do you see a pattern. I think I felt alone. Laugh. Sigh, as I told him, I was clearly in acute distress. What's funny is that when it's happening I'm convinced I've always felt that way. And I think I have. I think the biggest difference - yes, those things appear true. And yes, in the background the choice to end my life is always there. But in a moment like today, it just feels less imperative. So it's not that I suddenly have this life-affirming reason to live; it's just less imperative that I die RIGHT NOW. The urgency is not there.
So yes, I said it before and I'll say it again. These last few weeks were brought to you by FIRE. Just having the money and knowing taking a last minute trip to Seattle for 7 or 8 weeks was not going to add to a (financial) burden that I would have to overcome later.
Anyway, enough about that.
I still struggle with relationship challenges at work. A number of my counselors preach self-advocacy. I really just have no desire to be the person with the last word. In fact, I make it a game to say as little as possible and don't "clap-back." Maybe I'm trying actively not to be a stereotype, but that's okay.
It saves me from having to reflect on what I could've said. It saves me from having to correct myself or think of zingers or flexes. Lots of people are better at standing their ground and maintaining their position than me. Maybe it's an easy out just to bow out of conversations- but I'm here for the #easylife #softlife.
I think just NC trauma from speaking up is very present. And also I'm not that interested in a back and forth and continuing in unpredictable situations. And I think people talking about challenging people also makes me resistant. Not so much about being liked as it affecting pay or performance in the back alley. But probably some residuals about being liked.
I mostly just don't want to be thought of. I've been bracing myself for a basic bonus since I started this new role. So that's been hard to toe the line of doing just enough.
Accomplishments:
- I went to trivia night!
- I planned trivia night!
- I went to a trivia night I planned! (just thought that needed double mentioning)
- I cut up some green mango, still delicious
- I walked home yesterday. I was a bit scared because the bus dropped me off under a creepy bridge and I really didn't want to walk back there at 10p at night. But somehow the return trip picked a bus stop much closer. And there was a stop on the other side of the street, so not sure why I got dropped off there. Oh well, Maps has been awesome!
- I did a little bit of work
- I decided to let a possible 'clap - back' email to a co-worker sit in drafts for a little while
- Decided to take a break from work
- Talked a committee member through opening a Series I bond
- Oh, didn't feel too much social pressure to be "on" last night
- Still feeling the high about new budget 2023... super pumped!
- Woke up without an alarm (after going to sleep closer to 11p)
So for the rest of the day... I can't believe I've already been on the clock for 4.5 hours; I'm going to take it easy and go watch some shows and eat some mango. I think I'll forego a walk around the loop since I'm going out tonight. If it gets cancelled, then oh well, so sad. These things happen.
I might cook if it stays cool, which it might, but I kind of was already selling myself on cozy bed time.
I might look at some budgets! Oh how I love budgets!
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