37 Years Later Finally Learning to Say No

 I am a hopeful romantic.

I put up a lot of rules and the guys don't like it. Then it makes me think I need to re-evaluate my rules to "get them to like me." It sounds sickening just to type that. But who am I if not the blogger that bares her soul to strangers.

The latest Crush turned Terrible (it's so hard not to use profanity when that's the only way I can think of to describe terrible people) was a good example.

For the first 24 hours of matching, I was crushing on him hard. As I am wont to do (and I suspect most women), I mapped out the next 5 years to Life. 

In one version of the story, we would meet, have magical candy love and ride off into the sunset. 

In another version, we would meet, have a wonderful weekend together and date long distance for a few years and then confess our undying love for each other, move mountains, and live happily ever after.

You get the idea.

It's so fun! Until it isn't.

Turns out he's another thinly veiled Terrible. 

Literally, the façade started to deteriorate but I was still holding onto my romantic fantasy... when...

Me: I'm a California girl at heart! 

Him: Yeah, you want that celebrity c*ck!

What in the heavens! For a second I thought I was talking to the 40 year old. Like... I have yet to have a serious conversation with anyone on these apps. It's like anxiety inducing. How soon will sex come up?  I almost appreciate the ones that bring it up right away so you know from the beginning.

I get it's a dating app and apparently dating means so many different things to so many different people. I'm put off by the guys that ask for a date right away, but then I'm not sure if that's the right stance since it is a dating app. 

But to me, the sheer volume of time, money, and effort that goes into an actually date only to find out 5 mins in that the guy is Terrible. For the ones that continue the chat on the app, the conversation dies so soon after with little effort that I'm always like, I'm so glad I didn't go on a date with you.

I've been using COVID as an excuse because I literally freeze when I'm put on the spot. 

One of them I gently redirected even admitted he hasn't gone on any dates. But yet was pushing me hard to go out publicly. 

I think for me it's like... inconsiderate? Why would I risk my life to hang out with you. 

So when I see guys's profiles that say things like "I don't want a text buddy" or "don't message me if you're not willing to meet," it makes me feel like I have to modify my behavior to "get the guy." BUT THAT'S THE WRONG MESSAGE.

My whole cry since birth has been why are women constantly evolving but guys can devolve or not grow at all and it's okay.

It's hard to have that battlecry though when everyone else around you has just folded.

I think I'm still just lost with wanting the fantasy and being faced with the reality. The constant lowering of standards because who wants to be 'dating' for years and years. 

Do I keep playing with the intention of what I want, or do I go in there with the scars of battlewounds. Who is my most authentic self?

And the sex question.

I literally have been called a slut (jokingly? is that ever a joke?) for sharing my history and then heckled if I say I'm inexperienced. I feel like a punchline at this point. This is literally every comedy writer's punchline but to live it. I wish I hadn't.  The next time I'm asked, I think I'll just say "the right amount."

But I'm in it for the sunk cost fallacy.

At the end of the day, nothing really surprises me as it's the story of Every Woman. But just to live it, is repulsive. 

It's still a distraction, but I wonder if it's the right distraction. It certainly isn't a positive experience. Am I even looking for love? 

In other news, against my gut instinct, I'm going for the first dose of the vaccine today. I really wanted to wait until January but I've been having reckless thoughts with the app so it's the lesser of 2 evils (getting sick or regretting not waiting till Jan).