But Was It Date Rape Though?

 When I was in undergrad, I think there was an awareness of date rape. It was a thing that happened and was likely to be a part of one of your girlfriend's college experience. The moniker Date Rape Doug was born. When a guy gave you the creeps or gave off date rate vibes, you would laugh and refer to him as Date Rape Doug.

Yes, we laughed about date rape. 

20 years later, guard's down. There is no way I would encounter anyone like that at #almost40. Hah. As a woman of any age what is life but a real life dodgeball game where the ball is sexual assault. 

Being isolated from most social contact other than work since 2015 (if not earlier) and even more isolated working from home during a pandemic since 2020, I have lost most of my social guards. I was out of practice. See, I'm already making excuses.

I met up with a bad guy from Hinge. Even going into the "date" (aka hookup) I knew he was a bad guy (more excuses). I figured the worst that would happen is I'd have a one night stand and never see him again. I even said as much. 

Why was he bad?

- He was pressuring me to meet up with him even though I wasn't comfortable.

- He used profanity in regular speech.

- He was aggressive. 

- He talked about sex pretty early on.

- After seeing him upset, I reached out and called him through the app to calm him down. (Groomed much? There was something exciting about thinking you could change someone's behavior with a soft touch or kind word. Dummy! As they say on Captain Awkward... Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde are the same guy. 90% good and 10% bad is ALL BAD.)

I felt like I was playing this role. I knew it wasn't me but I was almost curious about the experience. How does this story end? 

I typed out my expectations

- Condoms only

- I'm leaving my mask on

- Don't kiss me

- You cannot ejaculate in me without a condom

Otherwise, I said I was open to anything. He asked how I wanted it and we had done some storytelling. In my mind, most of this was fantasy. I'd hooked up with strangers on the internet before and nothing bad had happened. I had control of the situation. This would be no different, I never liked the guys I hooked up with. The fun was in the adventure of it. 

The first "date."

What went wrong:

- He moved from activity to activity so fast, I hardly knew what was happening.

- He kept trying to kiss me and remove my mask. (At one point, it was completely off.)

- He used condoms at first, but at one point took it off completely. ( I don't even remember when that happened.)

- It was very aggressive, and if he was trying to act out a fantasy story I told him, he failed to make sure I was ready. It hurt. 

What was confusing:

- I hated him, but I liked being cuddled. It felt so good. That was unexpected. 

- After awhile I got tired of protesting. I really don't remember when the condoms came off or why I didn't leave. 

- He would ask permission or check-in for some things. In retrospect, I think it was the things that didn't matter to him. For the things that did, he would pressure me (kissing, condoms, ejaculating, anal). 

Date #2

My plan was to never see this guy again. He was a bad guy. All the red flags. I was confused by the attention and bored. This time I knew I would have control of the situation.

Fail.

What went wrong:

- He still did not warm me up and went right into the aggressive stuff.

- After doing one activity, he asked if I wanted to do the second activity (butt stuff). I said no. A few minutes later, I thought he was going to do one thing, and he told me to lie on the bed. He pinned me down and did Activity 2 (butt stuff) that I just said I didn't want to do. In slow mo, I knew it was about to happen and I made a comment. He asked what did you say, almost to confirm what he was about to do. I had just said no, but there was something about dominance that attracted me.  Part of me was curious, but part of me felt like I already said No once. If I said No again and he did it anyway, it would definitely be Rape. I would be Raped.  So I let it play out. He noticed my grimace because he commented on it later. After he was nearly done, he asked do you want me to Stop. Again, at this point I didn't feel confident he would stop if I said to Stop, so I agreed for him to keep going. Did I want him to stop? Yes.  I had heard one survivor say before that when she pretended she was into it, it threw her attacker off. 

- During the date, somehow my mask was completely off and he continuously kept trying to kiss me. I mean not just trying. His lips were all over mine and he kept trying to shove his tongue in my mouth. It was gross. I was actively turning my head and covering my mouth but I was also embracing him.   I said I don't want to kiss you because I don't like you. (Confusing right? Why didn't I put my mask back on?)

- The last bit. Again, no condoms were even attempted during Date #2. (Why didn't I insist?). I was about to leave, but I still said let's do it one more time. (I already knew condoms hadn't happened all morning). So we did. He was nearing completion and he asked if he could finish in me. I didn't want him to, but again was not confident he would stop if I said No. And if he didn't, would that be Rape? Or just disrespectful? So I said Yes. Then he said, say it again and again until I finish. So I did. (Here's what's even more confusing, earlier that morning, he'd admitted the only reason he didn't finish in me during Date 1 was because he didn't want to risk a pregnancy. Mind you, that time he'd asked as well and I'd said No. He admitted this after I indicated I'd had a hysterectomy. So with this knowledge, I did not believe he would have stopped if I said No. He'd already admitted his nefarious plans prior. So was I a willing participant in this fantasy or just trying to survive?)

What's confusing:

- I know you can't blame the victim, but what role did I play in this. When I look up consent on various sites, it's both fuzzy and clear. A Yes on Day 1 is not a Yes on Day 2. Lack of a No is not consent. 

- It's confusing for me because there are some things you do with your partner when you're trying to win their affection even though you're uncomfortable.

- There is a part of me that does like some dominance in the bedroom.

- Would I still think it was date rape if he continued to see each other? (I think the part of my brain that thought it wanted to keep seeing him thought that if we could make him see the err of his ways it would ameliorate this thing that happened; maybe we could reframe it as an experience with your partner; like if you could just love someone into being good, it would lessen the bad that was already done.)

I had to get it out because my brain wasn't letting go. I think for me, I was out of practice dealing with men. I thought this was a young person's problem. I really didn't want to believe people could be that evil. I just have never been so disrespected in that way before.  It hammers home an important point - only sleep with people you are confident you can speak up to. A silent No is never heard. You can't play NiceGirl when you put yourself or find yourself in Risky Situations. No one is coming to rescue you, MERJ.  Stop trying to make strangers like you - to me this is a direct consequence of working. You just always have to play nice. Can't wait to do be done with that nonsense. 

What I've done:

- Try to block it out of my mind. Erase it from my memory, but putting it on my blog kind of negates that.

- I sent him an anonymous text calling him a Rapist. Maybe he'll find me and retaliate. Maybe it'll make him rethink his actions with the next girl. Some comments he made me think his behavior is escalating and this is perhaps a problem he's run into before. Ladies, beware. 

- Reframe as an experience I want to forget that never happened. 

Other

How much undesirable traits is okay to accept from someone? There has been no guy I really like because my ideal guy is a Disney Prince. Where the story ends after 2 hours. Is it weird to say, I always thought I'd be a girl who would probably be a victim of domestic violence. I avoid guys for the most part because I watch too much Lifetime, but every now and then I find myself in precarious situations. I just desperately want to believe romance is real. 

Sexual Assault and Consent References

https://www.rainn.org/understanding-consent

https://www.justice.gov/archives/opa/blog/updated-definition-rape