The Real Reason I Unmatched You and Reclaiming Myself

 The original title of this post was "Ghosted." But that felt like an action that was done to me. In this moment, I feel powerful. That felt like a thing that happened to ME instead of just a thing that happened. 

The 40 Year Old asked why I unmatched him. I was still trying to spare his feelings and test the waters but he didn't deserve it much like everyone who has failed to see how incredibly awesome I am. 

I unmatched you because you kind of suck as a person.

I unmatched you because you aren't very nice.

I unmatched you because I'm kind of amazing and I like people who tend to think so.

However because I'm either still stuck under the patriarchal umbrella of NiceGirl or just bad decision-making or because sometimes being a human is hard or I was weak or the Devil or I just wanted to love-bomb you and force you into thinking if I do this thing, you will like me and make it worth it that I compromised my values. Spoiler: it didn't. 

Financially-emotionally speaking, it was a sunk cost.

I knew you failed to recognize my value which is why I went over there in the first place. I can't attach to someone that sucks that much. How dumb must you be to not recognize diamonds and rubies. Silly, you.

But I figured I could just show you. It worked...for 2 days. I lost control of the situation because I was out of practice. It was like a slow trainwreck.

Anyway, once I remembered oh wait, I'm actually a beloved child of God who knows what it's like to be truly loved, I came to my senses. #youarenotit

So I unmatched you.

Then I remembered, I had a goal to not be alone during the holiday season. So Rational Brain was right to leave you in the dust, but Mean Brain convinced me to second guess myself and try to walk back a good decision.

Mean Brain: you'll be alone and do something even more desperate

Rational Brain: makes sense

Ugh. Stupid, Mean Brain. 

So yeah, I figured I'd want a few snuggles between now and New Year's. I took a chance and it didn't work. 

Oh well. 

Life is hard. It's all a struggle.

But then life is easy when you realize it's just a struggle. Stop fighting it. 

So I reclaim myself. I took a gamble and made a mistake. It was not without risks. I lost myself for a second because I was out of practice and a little bruised. Guardrails are there to protect me. You always get hurt when you hop the fence. 

Luckily, God still loves me and we reconnected. He's awesome.

What does this have to do with money.

Well, it's 3a and it's about the 120 millionth time I looked up early testing. So I'm spending the $120 FSA dollars to get tested early.

I've read myself into a circle about the benefits and false positives and false negatives. I've emotionally hemmed and hawed at the benefit of knowing early.

Yesterday, I was fine to wait 4 weeks, but we all know patience is not one of my virtues. 

I made the appointment, I just need to order the test.