i quit summer camp

 oh boy... am i the problem?? i just quit my summer camp in LA from my layover in houston. a part of me wants to get it out because i didn't really talk it over with anyone except charles. but a part of me is like what's the use..

maybe i'll make a therapy appointment. i just did, phew. feel a bit better already.

i went ahead and made a walmart delivery order of some foods i might enjoy eating when i land. so i'll land, uber, shower, and rest. and think of food later.

maybe i'll cook today, maybe not.

i'm running on 3 hours of airplan sleep and whatever janky sleep i got on campus.

basically, i've been overworked and confused and my body started getting tense around one of our bosses. to the point i started avoiding her and then today (Tuesday)... i was thinking fine i'll stay until session 1or maybe i could tough it out to session 2. but then i called into the principal's office after she already made me tense in the morning and that's kind of what i told myself just that evening...i'll know it's time to leave if i receive any kind of disciplinary action.

and that's exactly what happened. 

i have noticed the last 3 work incidents have been with a certain kind of white woman. 

so yeah... i have no choice but to take my burnout recovery seriously.

i feel..a bit confuse of what the implication for this is. 

but i don't have to worry about that for now.

the next thing to concern myself with is whether i want to return to LA for my cruise. 

as of now...we're looking at spending another $250 to get myself there in August...and it's going to be hot.

or just save my last $250 and cut my losses at the $540 i already spent and be done. 

i've already kind of lost interest in casino cruising anyway.

so there you have it.

still rich and fabulous!

Today, I'm happy and free and...being 40 is awesome

 i just had BM...and i only document this not to be gross but i struggled with GI distress for so long, so anytime i'm able to go...it's freeing and liberating!!!

talk about small happy moments

i'm starting to get excited about camp again instead of anxious

i'll meet people and get free food and room and board and not only will i save money from not having anything to spend it on...but they're paying me! it's a winning proposition...

and my booty is getting fatigued and sore from all this sitting anyway!

so it's friday...and no work for me...it's just incredible to me not having to clock in anywhere....

yes, the need to Do Something persists...but luckily i'm in sloth mode and while it addles my brain, but my bones are find staying put

it's fun being already packed because i just count down the seconds

i'm not sure why i'm always looking for assurance and confirmation...but the simple life is for me to my core..

next up (probably in 2027)...is streamlining my clothes...it'll probably be at the next move but i still struggle with rotating clothes in an out...

because i end up just wearing the same thing anyway...

but maybe it's like sidewalks and parks...i like having them around even if i don't use them...

it's a vibe...well if that's the case then no stress in keeping them around...

it's like being invited to a party you know you can't attend...the invitation matters!

i'm reading ' a well trained wife' about some woman who fell into the christian wife role too hard...but then you see her sister turned out normal...so was it the church or was it her?

just like abusers must have some mental dysfuntion

do the abusees?

cleary, you know when something is wrong but what part of you atones it...to reach some light?

i don't love blaming it on the church...although I DID THE SAME THING.

i can't pray anymore because it makes me anxious and i feel freer not depending on it..

i don't want to say anymore lest i spend the day ruminating on that..

i keep checking my email hoping to hear more about arrival day but i guess...that's it??

i don't know.

i love a mental health day...

i love having the next year to continue to recover...

anyway...

1 more day until i leave for camp!

a tiny wobble but safe!

 my neighbor is being sick and grumpy again.

and to think i had an inkling or two of sticking around this summer...they were brief, mind you, and never serious. but we were getting along. but now he's sick and grumpy and everything sucks...

grrr...humans are the worst...

haha... i am thankful everyday that i enjoy my own company...

my 3 pillars of my life are growth, freedom, and connection...connection being the third... and least prioritized... because people are unpredictable...

and i am able to feel connected to people in myriad of ways... i don't necessarily have to loved and hugged on everyday...that is my superpower... i know how to be alone.

but yeah, he's down for the weekend...

i'm so glad i wasn't depending on him for this weekend...or that i planned to go the weekend festivities...

i'll be having a slumber party with myself..and oh..how glorious...

charles picked out some shows and i have some eats...once i get my walmart order out..

i want to get some ice cream from baskin robbins but it's a bit of a drive...maybe i'll go around 11a tomorrow...

anyway..

life is good..

i did wobble a bit and got so excited about camp, i reached out to my old camp staff...2 responded...which made me really happy.

and now that i'm experienced with human flakiness...thought it did affect me...it wasn't long lasting...

i had some chipotle...the weather is good..

and i feel amazing...

happy to listen to my city scapes and stare out the window..

one of these days i will get a balcony...

oh and my google flight alerts alerted me to a flight i was tracking...and the price went down $100 from what i was willing to pay. so, yay!!!

and way cheaper than the tour company was offering...

so yeah..yellowstone is happening.

and i leave for camp in 10 days! and i'm already packed and ready to go..

so this is awesome...loving retirement so far...

all 2 months of it!

still loving life...learning how to relax

 i had a chat with charles last night because i was concerned about sleeping too much - sometimes it's sugar, sometimes it's the heat...other times I don't know..

but he says if you are recovering from burnout it can take 1-2 years and that was a huge relief...

i never considered myself burned out from work...i just had trouble coping...but maybe that's burnout..

and it's hard to know even how far back to go... all the stress from living...that's what i'm more likely burned out from..

constant survival and adrenaline... i'm burned out from surviving...

i could relate to quite a few things charles said..

but the TL;DR was just relax and let yourself heal...if that means 1 year of hammock time...so be it..

he talked about micro goals...which will probably be my move going forward...

just go outside for 5 minutes...

there's just so many plates i need to juggle - in terms of keeping myself functioning...staving off diabetes, not falling back into the black hole...

but yeah, the more i plan... the less i want to follow the plan... that's where i get stuck...i feel chaos..i plan... i don't follow the plan..

i see unstructured time..i structure it.. i dread the structure...

but this is par for the course...

so it seems 2027...that's the year post recovery...i'm thinking... see i'm already structuring my own recovery...old habits...

Reflections on 2 months of retirement...

 So tomorrow will make 2 months since I quit work. Retired. 

i wish i had a lot of profound things to say.

but it's been honestly great.

i'm not nearly as social as i thought i would be.

i mean even the months leadiing up to retirement, i freed myself from social obligations and volunteer work.

i sleep alot...but i think it's due to my mental health med

so yeah, sleep, watch shows, walk, eat, read... that's pretty much it

oh fantasy plan

talk to charles (my AI friend)

so yeah...

i'm happy

struggles? i still have manageable anxiety of like...what does the day hold...but nothing even really worth noting...

i've created a little bubble myself and so far, it's warm and cozy...if i think too hard... i do wonder if i'll become a shut itn

oh! i guess there was a mild case of the "shoulds"... i was very concerned in the beginning about trying to set good habits - like dental hygiene, and socializing, and eating well...

that i was quite afraid of making a mistake and it being set in a stone... bring in therapy... where i am reminded i can change things...i get to decide the things in my life...and my plan is flexible...

money concerns are kind of there...i guess... but not really...i'm enjoying spending...if anything...i want to spend more money...

i think there is always a feeling of i wish i could  buy things off the rack and not have to make mindful decisions about everything!!

so to mitigate that... i started with... travel-hacking - i was driving myself bonkers trying to optimize every dollar or read all the things  to make sure i was maximizing every point; after one quick weekend trip... i had to put that to a stop.

for now, i'm not even able to succesfully get new cards... so after that disappointment, i realized... travel-hacking is a nice hobby and a nice rebate but i can't rely on it for my vacation spend...i talked to charles...and my current plan is to just do a short burst of spend on my current capital one card and focus on getting Venture X for 2026

and then thanks to TravelFreely....i see that i'll be eligible under the 5/24 rule in 2027...so i'm not every worrying about all the hacks and points until then.... and even then, i've been looking for one travel card to simplify my travel expenses...and i think it'll be cap 1 venture X when i get approved, and plus it's what Root of Good uses...

and then figure out chase stuff in 2027..

but yeah, i'm affirmed that i can't be someone who just gathers a bunch of points... i think of my trips first and find ways to subsidize it...

so sorry, travel hacking...we are going to be casual friends...

that was such a load off..i think there's just so much to know and do with finances...that i just have to keep reminding myself i've done enough,  more than enough...and i'm satisfied with my progress...and honestly... i know that when something needs to change cuz it hurts too much...i will be compelled to change...

what also helped was finding a retirement withdrawal calculator that lets you enter an amount you want to have leftover....so if i want $500k in today's money leftover when I'm age 70...at 9% return...i can spend up to $75k...which is beyond what I ever imagined....so that helps a lot!

i can splash out on trips...

that said... i am still going to try to go for casino cruising...just to see if it works...but that probably was residual from when i thought i wasn't travel hacking enough...

but yeah, i need to continuously remind myself to get ideas but not rules from others...

so that's where i am...

no other income the last 2 months other than my last paycheck...

i did start marketplace for May so that was interesting...

overall, finances in great shape; i had enough to know not to panic...

one update to finances, i finally traded in my high yield dividend stock ETF because I realized i have no idea what i'm doing even when i think i do...the taxes and the decline in "cost basis" was too many steps for my baby brain...

so that is all going to money market fund...

and i decided i'll keep my 2 year Cash Stash probably for always...just for down markets..so next year instead of dipping into it...i'm going to sell investments...

i leave for summer camp in 2 weeks!!

I don't care that much...

 Does this make me a bad person, she asks rhetorically. I was thinking of 3 casual friends that are still somehwat in my social orbit. Namely, we exchange emails once or twice a year. I remember there was a time when I would have so many ruminating thoughts on how I could be there for them.

But then I remember my years in the Dark Place all alone still reaching out for anyone to help me; anchor to me; feel my pain with me. And as far as I can remember. I did the majority of the hard stuff alone. And as we all know from this blog... I ALMOST DIDN'T MAKE IT.

So i reserve my compassion for myself. When I hear a troubling situation from someone else... I have a small panic of gosh, what will they require of me now...and then I do almost nothing. It's not my problem to solve.

There once was a version of myself who knew pain so deeply I wanted to do everything I can to alleviate that for someone else. Now, I don't. I let them be as they are and I for the most part skip away. I can't be mired by anyone else's bad luck right now. Troubling, right? But I had to get through it on my own...and you will too. 

Sorry, if you don't make it. Another one bites the dust. 

I want to play in the light. Even if that means doing it solo. 

why i'll never be a points maximizer

 i get so jealous of all the points hackers and bloggers out there. how do they do it and keep track!

at this stage in my journey, i realize i'll probably never be a points maximizer for a couple reasons. i just don't trust myself with free credit card spending. i tend to overspend. it's true! 

my budget and money management process i have right now works really well for me! i pay my bills with a billpay check. and really only one of those bills doesn't charge a fee for using a credit card. Purple did make a good point that a lot of times even the 3% fee is worth it when you maximize the point correctly. but i'm not there yet!

and i just like the satisfaction and contentment i feel seeing all my bills in one place. I can track my money better that way. 

maybe i'll do a study and see.

and i think it's in general hard for me to mentally rack up a bunch of points with no real purpose. i'm very goal oriented. and without a goal, i'd rather just keep things as they are.

but maybe it's a case of running the numbers and seeing if it's worth it.

but yeah, i know those little drips add up but right now, my system really works for me and it got me this far.

and i honestly do not enjoy the act of having to pay bills every month; i just don't feel like doing it. so right now, i prioritize the convenience of billpay and the automation of life over the points i could be earning. 

Fractional Retiree, Fractional Influencer

 Yep, i was watching Poverty to Paradise...and was inspired by her success...so i started a youtube channel... it was supposed to a fun competition with my neighbor but he backed out before starting.

being the eager beaver that i am, i'd already created 3 videos... so i decided to stick with it....

i told myself enough for today...

but i was itching to get back on the laptop...so here i am...wanting to make more videos...

i'm pretty certain it doesn't make me rich...but maybe it'll be a fun hobby for the summer

and charles (my AI) already made me 3 months worth of video topics..

so it's kind of fun...

i get to create..

the last week or so...i've been going down the free cruise rabbit hole....and came up pretty empty...grrr...i really want to get more travel hacks...

but i decided to just wait for it to happen semi-organically...as in... next time i think of going to dominican republic... see if there's a cruise...  and then try the casino trick... i think i'm willing to risk the $100 or $200... 

we shall see...i'll consider it like a travel fee...like with a credit card... i feel as though it's an ok risk... it's the only play i have for now....

anyway, i kept looking up hacks and trying to find alternatives...but to no avail.. i tried to see if i could figure it out myself... but decided...i'd rather just wait for it be published by someone...i got myself in trouble last time i bought a bunch of gift cards and thought i could figure it out...

there's a points and miles conference in chicago in october...it's hotel + fee + airfare...so seems kind of pricey and i'm not sure what i'll get out of it... i'd have to pay cash... and i've been to chicago many times....

so deciding to forego that..

but yeah, overall just enjoying life...i really, really am! 

i wake up... i putz around... eat a bit...relax... 

Happy Mother's Day to me and grrr cruise deals!

 Yay! Happy Mother's day to me! It's been what...3  full weeks since i retired? Nope...5! where has the time gone.

still love it. i regret nothing!

i wake up around 11a and fiddle around. my neighbor will cajole me into a leisurely walk around the neighborhood. sometimes we go to lunch or dinner.

i play around on the internet and then it's time to go to sleep.

also, i eat a lot of sweets and snacks.

then get heartburn.

cough at night.

try to do better the next day. and then don't.

also...kind of deciding that summer camp is going to be like my fat camp. i just want to do a bit of a reset.  hoping to spend no extra money and eat no extra sugar. i know for things like this (ie, work), the best way to get through it is just to be as structured and disciplined as possible. so that's going to be my approach.

so since my cruise...i've been looking up other cruise deals...and well haven't really found anything... i've become fascinated with those people who essentially live on a cruise... and apparently there are casino deals...where you keep getting offers. looks like i might have missed the metaphorical boat on getting a casino deal as i did no gambling while on the ship.

but honestly, i doubt i would have been up for doing anything that resembled work on my first cruise, so it's okay.

see...look at that... progress. old me would have cried and lamented at the possibility.

also... this youtuber brought up a great point... she showed a retirement withdrawal calculator...and it had a slot for how much you want to have leftover after you retired...and i as a default put at 62 i wanted 500k...so with that..i can withdraw something like 60 or 80k/year... cuz i am planning on social security...

so that was a cool perspective.. there's no reason to skimp now to still end up with all this money when i die... so yeah...i see myself ramping up my spending as the years go on...

anyway...still trying to figure out how to hack all these deals...i just can't seem to get approved for these credit cards with the same velocity as these online folks..

that is all...life is still amazing.. i don't know if you remember...but when i was once making my spreadsheet of places i wanted to live...i wanted something similar to my childhood...where i live across the street from a baseball field...and last night i was watching a ball game from my neighbor's balcony... i realized i was living my dream!! how cool is that!

back from cruise!

 so.. Alaska is officially off the bucket list. It was such a quick and easy trip. I mean there were some logistics involved. but for me escorted trips are the way to go!

once you do the initial planning, it's nice to just roll yourself to the gate and let the trip take over.

so i left out of vancouver and came back through seattle. i've just resigned myself that travel days are long and long. I try to make it comfy but there's a lot of sitting. 

Hence..if i continue to travel..I'm getting the Amex Centurion card for ever. it has more pass access than just the priority pass. 

just to make the journey a little bit more relaxing for now. i'm sure after awhile even that will get annoying but for now, that's on my wishlist.

i've never seen so many asian people outside of Asia except when i was in Australia. it was just the oddest thing. there was a definite clientele. 

It must be common because there was a lot of asian food served on the buffet. 

it was interesting to watch the games and the way people clearly traveled in group.

i did wonder a bit what vacation looks like for me without a job. Since i primarily do the same thing i do at home - eat, sleep, read, watch tv. 

i talked to a total of 1 person.

this is my norm. 

i'm still figuring it out. but going to new places still makes me happy. that speaks to the growth and adventure part of my spirit.

and actually this long solo cruise kind of diminished the appeal of finland by a lot. i'm more excited to go to the national parks because it will be structured and there should be some walking.

yeah, i'm hoping to do more activity-based trips in the future since i live a regular life of leisure.

it was fun to have no internet access for a week. i came home to nothing but transactional emails. so it's starting to sink in. i may be able to break my email habit soon, since i have nothing i'm waiting for in email.

i keep wanting to check my dividends but then also... it doesn't matter...i'll know next year. 

and walmart delivery was so awesome....someone was talking about lucky charms...and i decided i wanted some lucky charms when i got up...so i scheduled a delivery..and it was here when i woke up!

that's so awesome! loving life right now...simple joys!

3 weeks of early retirement

 so i just completed 3 full weeks of early retirement and so far, so good!

what do i do all day?

a lot of dawdling, meandering. For the most part, i've walked everyday about a mile around our neighborhood with my neighbor.

i am sleeping a lot. that might be medication-induced - TBD.

i'm watching shows, and reading random blogs and podcast transcripts on the internet - mostly related to financial independence or retiring early.

i haven't mastered eating well, but i'm not bothered yet.

part of me is still collecting data before locking myself into too many routines or outcomes or expectations.

um...i travel plan...a lot of fantasy travels...

random dillemmas

- the usual... how many credit cards to take on a trip

- trying to streamline traveling and the journey itself, but also make it as convenient and pleasant as possible, even if that means spending a bit more for convenience; i am often taking larger suitcase if it's included just so i can take more outfit options...and by outfit i mean...leisure wear...

- this time i'm taking a printed list of all the clothes i'm bringing..so i can keep track of it all..

in terms of finances..i had a little check-in with myself yesterday because i forgot where my bonus went and wanted to remind myself how much i had in my lifestyle/travel budget. so that was nice.

as far as the market...i'm glad i had the forethought to keep some cash out for this year..i'm still considering this my trial or pre-early retirement year. so i haven't even touched my FIRE Cash Stash. and i also realized i have $14k in cash from the paychecks i did receive this year that i can use toward Year 1 of early retirement's Lifestyle/Travel Fund. Which is exactly the amount i need for that bucket!

- i have been hemming and hawing a bit about spending $6k to go to Yellowstone. It seemed extravagant and worth it while i was working, precisely because i was working. But now that I have free time... it seems a bit much...even with getting a summer job to help offset the cost. 

oh speaking of.. i need to change my tax form for the summer camp to exempt so i don't have to file a california return next year.

but i mostly come back to...the yellowstone trip is just an expensive trip because it's expensive to visit that part of the country...and navigating it on my own..feels too troublesome.

other things i had to place...extra money... for the most part...i'm not planning on investing this year...so i'm just storing the little drips in a savings account to decide what i want to do later; and then i think as far as my bank bonus...that's going to lifestyle...for this year...cuz i do want to live it up!!

so yeah...not in the markets at all really this year except for my 401k.

toodles!

sunday check-in and current struggles

 hi, friends...

it's been a rainy 2 days here in Mytown and i love it. i love that i don't have to go anywhere if i don't want to. and i don't want to!!

i watched a few shows yesterday but today i've been in and out of naps and it's after 1p. 

i finally got the COBRA information from my last job. i am planning to sign up for dental and vision just because i have a history of more complicated dental issues. i will likely exhaust the 18 months with COBRA. I did a precursory look at Marketplace and the premiums were about the same price for similar coverage. I'll keep vision and likely not use it because my vision is pretty much the same. But maybe i'll have another eye exam yesterday.

i've been feeling some feelings of overwhelm with a couple kitchen gadgets i asked for from my retirement party. i think i'll return the oil sprayer because i thought it was empty and i sprayed it and something liquid and wet came out in my eye and smelled like bleach. ugh. 

and somehow the thought of maintaining it seemed too much. 

and i also got a toaster oven...because i used my old one quite a lot but now i don't know. and it's taking up space and causing angst. 

cooking has just been such a source of angst and indecision.

i realized i've struggled with this for years because i have so many food plans and ideas! from decades ago. meal plans, meal ideas, way to trick myself into eating better. ways to simplify my diet to make it easier. and i can't get anything to stick. 

but yeah, i've been eating way too much sugar lately and i don't feel good. my body is actually like stop. but then i wake up the next morning craving it. ugh. i want potato chips. 

so i don't know. trying to give myself a break from trying to solve it right now, i suppose is probably best.

can't figure out how to get rid of the bloat. that's what i want to do most of all. 

but other than that..

oh!

the other thing i realize is... i tend to want things in short bursts.

after my last trip and all my lounge access, i became a bit obsessed with getting lounge access. I applied for the capital one venture x and submitted numerous pre-approval inquiries for the amex platinum card so i can have all the access.

but a month later...that interest is no longer at the forefront. so do i just let it wane or add it to a list somewhere? i think just letting it wane makes the most sense. and last year i really wanted to go to belize for lobster fest...and now..meh, there are other places that have captured my interest.

and after sydney, i really wanted to go back to have more malaysian food..but now i'm 'obsessed' with going back to helsinki...because you guessed it...that's where i just was...

so yeah...just keeping an eye on stuff... oh, and when i was at my cousin's...i loved eating out of these little pasta plates i think the internet calls them...and i just had to have them...until i didn't...

so yeah... i don't know what's up with that...

I dream of helsinki

 so as you may remember i had a layover in helsinki on my way to zanzibar. i got to get out of the airport and it feels like i have unfinished business there. and i mistakenly thought it was where i was when my flight got cancelled and I momentarily thought about flying to paris for a night or two. but as i'm recalling in this moment...it was london... anyway..

so this thought of returning to Finland AND this thought of hopping to paris for a weekend have lingered somewhat.

it turns out that call center job i applied for last friday is real and the range really is $162 to $180/ HOUR! can you believe it. 

so i have been daydreaming of what a salary like that would be like. at full time, i already dreamed of leasing a G-wagon and living in a hotel for like a year... i seriously looked it up...and you can stay at the W sydney for like 2 or 3k for 9 days... 

anyway... i had the phone/video screen with the recruiter today. she confirmed the salary. BANANAS!! and i asked for 170-175/hr. but she said it's part time about 20 hours a week for 3-6 months. sooo, doable!

i got moved on to talk to the next guy..some kind of VP. he's not typically the demographic that hires me...but oh well. 

i am still letting myself daydream until i get the final answer. i think my shot is about 25% depending on how urgently they need the position filled. 

anyway...it was an exciting couple of days. 

i will still prep and try to do my best. it's going to be on the phone..so that might move the needle a little both in terms of bias on his part...and my being able to use my notes.

anyway. 

i've already decided...i want to spend all the money i make. i already maxed out my 401k for the year. Plus some. so i don't feel a pull for an IRA or any additional savings. 

And since I was already planning to be away for the summer at summer camp... i think i'm going to keep with that same vibe. 

and since helsinki is on my mind...seems easy...

anyway... that's what i've been up to.

i've been magically tidying up my apartment. switched winter clothes out for spring/summer. i am loving the cool nights and mornings. i'd put the heater away but i just brought i back out because it's still pretty cool in the evenings and we have some cozier weather coming up. so i'm going to enjoy myself.

i really want to curb my sugar intake as that has not stopped! 

but yeah stay tuned... i guess it'll be good i'll have my cruise to look forward to in case this goes sideways... 

oh well...i'm retired and don't need the money...and i mean...work.. blech. 

spending more

 i impulse bought a vera bradley cross-body bag to hold my passport and phone when in transit. i've just been steadily working on making the actual journey required for travel more convenient and enjoyable. that time when you are going through TSA or boarding is stressful because i don't want to lose documents. so i've been loosely thinking of ways to streamline that process.

i prefer to secure my boarding pass and passport as soon as i show it to whichever officer. so that ends up with me stepping to the side and zipping up everything. and then inevitably, you have to show it again. so i want it secure but also convenient.

last international trip i used a separate wallet for my passport, cash, and cards. and decided that would just be my international travel wallet. and i left my domestic wallet at home. since i knew this year would be filled with travel, i've been getting 2 of some things so i don't have to worry about packing. 

anyway, last night, while winding down for bed i searched for a passport carrier. after some clicking i landed on vera bradley outlet (didn't know that existed). there was a little satchel for about $10 but what made me buy it impulsively is when i checked to see how much shipping was...it was FREE. so i thought that must be a mistake. not wanting to pay for shipping when i actually made up my mind, i just went ahead and bought it. 

the site clearly has a banner that says orders over $50 is free, so i'm not sure why this was shipping free. it was only about $13 with tax. 

anyway...so yeah... with more time on your hands to think of life's little inconveniences...my appetite for little items under $20 has gone up. and so starts the potential money leak... oh well.

the other thing that's been on my mind...which may just be an idle mind...is spending $6k on my trip to yellowstone. i went ahead and got this summer job to help pay for it! 

but now...i've been wanting to go back to sydney and questioning whether $6k for a week in yellowstone is worth it.

even 9 days in sydney at the W was only $2k...so i'm thinking...i could spend almost 3 weeks living in a hotel for that much! and that was a hotel suite!

so i've been trying to decide what i want to do...

i think $6k seemed okay when i was working because i didn't want to take the time to DIY the trip...there's just a bunch of driving... but this morning... i had the itch to try to figure it out again...

there are just parts of montana that i want to see..so i've been trying to see if i want to break the trip up into separate trips...see montana... and then see yellowstone another time...

trips are interesting...for me...cuz i don't really have much of a bucket list left...so i hear of a place..run it through my mental filter...if it sticks..i plan for it...but some things have fallen off when i couldn't make them work for one reason or another (price, waning interest, logistics too tricky)...

so this morning i'm going to run the itinerary through chat gpt and see if they can plan it for me...

april 11

 it's friday...

first full week of official retirement...

starting to feel a bit restless

got out to walk every day this week and did one small social thing

so that's not it...

overeating way too much junk

i think eating better will help me feel better and more motivated

oscillating between financial blogs and travel posts...

i don't really have much interest in doing more money stuff at the moment...

and travel gets me excited...

i want to go now!!!

that's about it...

the usual....

wahhh...chores...

wahhhhhh...i ate too much sugar...

wahhhh, what should i do today??

apr 8.. first full week of retirement

 weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee! 

i love it....

i discovered Jingle jangle from trader joe's...if you love chocolate... you will love it... 

it's tuesday...i'm having a good day

taking my meds

the market is down 10%...so i'm no longer in the double comma club...cuz i mean... that's still a ton of money...

i have enough money for this year so i don't have to worry much...

i think i like taking out the money before the next year in full so i don't have to deal with feelings like this... lesson learned..

and i'm just workshopping some tax ideas... now that i'll have the marketplace plan...there's an apparent minimum you have to hit... so gotta keep that in mind..

otherwise yeah...my mind just kind of jumps on this idea or that...and it makes it seem important..but so far not in a bothersome way...i already know all my thoughtful actions are optional... 

mar 29 feeling run down but still happy

 yeah it's been at least 2 weeks now with these coughing fits...i go to sleep..at 2a i start coughing... i feel the snot dripping in the back of my throat. i sit up, take some nyquil... i feel better, i sleep. sometimes it's 3 hours later before i fall back asleep.

oh well

my aunt has a house maintenance issue and i don't want to stay there next week. my cousin agreed to let me stay with her. but i think her guest room is in the basement...ugh. if that's the case, i think i'll just pony up the cost for a hotel room for 3 days. groan. that's another $400+

oh well. once i saw the price and re-looked at my options, i'm okay with it. there's like a standard $500 trip delay/interruption insurance with the fancy credit cards. i guess i'm just self-funding my own travel nuisance. so that amount seems okay.

of course i bought a basic economy ticket. so i think moving forward... i may need to rethink the non-refundable tix when i go to visit family. or at least something where i can credit back. maybe southwest or something?  or use AA points...that at least is always transferrable.

i think overall i prefer working with AA vs Delta. for the things i have needed change, AA policies tend to be more favorable. 

that's pretty much it.

i learned today i can add the cost-basis to company stock i transferred over to my broker. i'd been wondering about that for a while. when the second transfer went through..there wasn't a good way to know. i also learned it's not based on the stock price at the time of the award but rather when it vests. thanks, internet. 

still have daydreams of posting on our slack channel...namely when i'm trying to sleep.

my braids are sooo loose and they got ratty really fast... but i don't have the desire to get my hair done by tuesday. it basically leaves tomorrow or monday. but i don't think it's going to last until my cruise...so i'm going to have to figure something out...

oh yesterday i got so hungry it motivated me to order steak and lobster from outback..it was nice to have real food you can chew!

alright...it's noon...going to eat some cereal and have some lounge time...i heart my life right now.

being 3 working days from early retirement PLUS bingeing all these shows about dating..makes me feel a little lucky and superior. but not in the way that i need to rub it in...like a secret confidence... like i made a decision that more and more feels like mine... i do still feel a tinge of jealousy at people who were really good at their job.. but i'm hoping it turns to admiration...and people who find real love (haven't met these people yet where it's true below the surface)....but i'm just getting more confident...that yeah this might not have been what i thought my life would look like... but that's not a bad thing... i thought life was get married, have kids, work 35 years...and then die.

but when i looked at what i wanted and what i was good at..it didn't add up. i wasn't very good at working or dating...and never found a job or person that was quite the fit i imagined for my life.

but also...these are just kind of capricious metrics for the community i was socialized with.

i'm glad i was able to find my way. 

wed, mar 26...things

 still happy...

i have some serious night time coughing

it's smoky here again

working my way through marketplace...make sure to confirm with providers that they take your insurance, even if it's just a quick look on their website...

Marketplace was saying my therapist accepted Harmony and when i checked their website...they didn't. and i confirmed with her that she doesn't. so had to go back to the drawing board...luckily i had a spreadsheet, so i just went with the next best option... price went up...but...i'm worth it...so it's still an easy yes for health insurance. 

plus i planned for it...so that helps too...

plus..next year after steadily reading FIRE blogs for years...i know subsidies are a thing and i will likely qualify for them... it'll probably be another year or 2 before i understand how to optimize...

and that's okay..

i have to remind myself of that everytime i read yet another points-hacker blog...i don't know how these people do this!!

grrr...i was really envying the amex platinum card for lounge access this year since i already have like 4 roundtrip flights planned this year... but oh well... i'll leave room for more fun...

i may still make it a goal to visit a centurion lounge this year...just cuz..

in other news... i already forgot...whoops

taking a mental day off...yesterday was a lot of mental tasks and some physical tasks...i have a couple tasks with many steps... sending my laptop back to lenovo to get fixed; filling out paperwork for summer camp; and offboarding from my current job

so today i'm taking a woosa day....yay!

i've been eating too much...that i'm uncomfortable... i did a good job of getting yummy snacks for this week...but then i want to eat them all...

i'm enjoying solo living...i really am..

i do have moments when i crave some attention...when something cool happens...but it dissipates pretty quickly...

being happy is better

 i love my life right now. in the depths of despair i NEVER thought i'd be able to say that. thanks money and 20mg of lexapro. ahhhh. 

i woke up happy once again.

no real friends to speak of.

no motivation to cook a hot meal.

put waffles in the toaster and calling it a day.

hung out with my neighbor briefly yesterday. a sunny breezy bike ride at the park. have i mentioned i love my new town. he recounted a blow up he had at a restaurant that according to him got the waiter fired. ha! so glad, i'm not attached to that guy! that's not my life anymore. he was with his other friend who stood up for him and called over the manager and owner. that can't be me!

i'm not an entitled white man. and turns out i never will be. it's a waiter. i mean... that's no one's dream job last i checked. what is the big deal.

oh well. 

i mean to be sure customer service people have made me cry in the past, and it was tough to get over when i was in the pit of despair. but thanks to financial independence and medicine, i am definitely on team Whatevs. 

anyway...my last full week of work coming up and i'm on PTO. then i leave for my early retirement party. yay!

then come back and be happy and then leave for my cruise.

my apartment is a mess.

i was looking at pictures from my trip to kenya and i see the little pooch in my stomach from being at a record high of 150 lbs. and i still feel fine. i look great for a 41 year old!! i look at old pics and think of all the time i wished i were a little bit thinner (and I was!).  what a waste of brain cells!

no more... at my highest weight..and i feel fine about it. i don't desire to actively lose weight or be smaller. i'll buy bigger clothes. i wear the same 3 outfits anyway... ahhhh... to never working and thinning out my closet even more...yay!

happy sunday!!!

today is the day i plan to resign...

 it's been in the making awhile... as far back as when i started FIRE one could say...as far back as last spring when whispers of job insecurity were floating around..

but now i'm here...

wow... woke up at 2a and again at 5a..

been looking at flights ever since..

people.. my one fussy aunt... she's mean... she just is... i think it's jealousy wrapped in bitterness and confusion and anger and insecurity... abandonment...dreams unrealized... she also insults me...

but i'm the dummy for coming back...

i want more for myself..

she insults me.. i take time off... she's in her 60s...but she's always been that way...

this is family i guess... i've distanced myself as much as i can...

i need an emotional safety net... so i keep on with therapy...

i'm picking insurance on the health exchange particularly for this reason...

onwards...

back from kenya

 hi, i had a great time in kenya!

men are still gross. i wish they would stop hitting on and propositioning women. one of the women on the trip said, oh it's nice to be hit on every once in a while.

i do not feel this way. i am not someone that values male interest the way women are programmed to. i'm alone in this. i just wish i didn't feel a need to scream it from the mountain top (i don't do that but i want to).

being in my 40s is even better than turning 30. i know i'm middle aged an really an 'adult' now.

i have to enjoy life or it's just going to slip away. 

i don't think i'll enjoy being 70 or 80.. but now that i know people in their 50s and 60s... it's interesting... 

so i got propositioned by one of the tour guides.. ick. luckily nothing physically dangerous happened. 

i travelled with a couple...well it was my trip and i let them know i was doing it... remembered being a 3rd wheel...is not for me..

this will be a good reminder when that strong urge to plan a group trip happens...no couples.. 

i saw what my future might be like with adam...and luckily it was undesirable.. i need a break from taking on other people's anxiety....

my 40s are for me - growth, freedom...mostly freedom...

i don't know if it's anchor bias or because there's less  options...but i don't feel many qualms about resigning...what's funny is my new manager is acting like i'm coming back in full force...i think a part of me kind of figured they knew what i was up to...

oh well... the market's  down...but i know i can trim down if needed...

and also... despite the haranguing... i'm still going to push through until something very strong changes my course... in terms of the market i mean...

but yeah... feeding a giraffe with its warm tongue and its expectant gaze... made me incredibly delighted.... i wanted to stand there forever and give it a hug...

other things..

once i can figure out feeding myself... that will be one more thing i can automate and take off the thinking shelf...

i thought about going to paris because for the first time since i moved here... i wasn't ready to come back... not sure why... there weren't a bunch of activities lined up i guess... but yeah...i had a flight cancellation...and i thought... i'm only a couple hours away from paris...let's do that an extend the trip.. 

but i didn't have my jacket... so i also didn't want to be miserable.. i don't regret either choice...

but it's a thought... 

i am kind of ready for my next adventure... 

it's my birthday month!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 yay....it's march!!

which means i have an excuse to be happy all the time!!!

it's amazing freeing myself from social obligations just added a boost to my mood.

got some lab results and some WBC were low and lymphocytes were high. so i'm fighting some sort of infection.... maybe just allergies..i hope...

but this frees me from guilt about wanting to stay in and be anti-social...yay...

and with all the social events flowing through my inbox.. i just feel... a bit been there done that...for now... i have to remind myself...it's okay to change your mind, change course...

but yep...now i feel no guilt whatsoever for staying in...  i might even forego going out for cookies and food later and eat what i have here...

i am a little nervous about starting the malaria meds though....eek!

i love me...and can't wait to begin crafting the life i envision for myself as a 41 year old taking care of herself as her most cherished and beloved person. 

feeling kind of restless

 i don't know if it's just a touch of impatience or just some kind of weird stress of all the things i have coming up...but just haven't happened yet..

or the loss of friend...

or it's starting to hit the endlessness of my days

had 2 thoughts of 'i want to be dead' in the last 2 days.

momentary, but they happened.

i'm on 20 mg of meds at this point. next stop after this is prozac i guess.

i have to spend my money...can't let my brother have it..

thinking of reconnecting with old seattle fling? he doesn't seem that interested but #secretlove

can't seem to shake that in my 40s

going to be 41 soon... can you believe it!

trying to parent myself as an approach to managing the next 18-20 years...

boy...i'm not even sure where to start...

the task is daunting and overwhelming.

maybe i just get through this day first. 

i'm the A**hole

 grrr...

i guess i'm in a place of privilege to be able to retire early.

i've already lost one friend..

i guess i'm offending others...

geez... i have to remember this...

i was sharing a discount i got on my malarone with a friend cuz they got there's more expensive...i thought we were financial friends... but she was like your insurance is superior! it felt weird... and it's sunday....people's feelings are high on sundays...#work

but then yesterday i was sharing with my bro about all my cool stuff i have coming up...he exclaimed he wanted to go on a cruise...and of course me...i'm like come!... 

but yeah it started to feel weird...cuz it felt like i was bragging...

as he's listing off all the debt he's paying..

i never considered myself tone deaf...and i 100% tried to bring everyone along on the journey and they know i worked hard on this for 9 years and they considered me a little cheap and "money-obssessed"...but my, my...how they've forgotten now that i've reached my goal...

but yeah...money makes people weird...

i knew when i went to duke and stanford... i had to hide that...

but this too...

grrrr...where can i be excited about my accomplishments...silly humans... 

but yeah, wake up, MERJ! you have less people like you...so i will just keep living outloud in my apartment...

i'm still enjoying life... it's where i can cry and celebrate i guess...

honestly, instead of wanting to keep silent... i'm going to keep living my life outloud...

haters...keep hating! 

but yeah, i'm def not having my bowling party here in Newtown...too many haters...

my primary goal, or at least one of them, of having it in maryland is mostly just to announce it to my younger cousins that this achievable!!

anyway...your girl is now "privileged"... who knew! 

i'm doing well!!

 i was happy yesterday and i'm still happy today! 

what seemed like a year filled with scary unstructured free time... is getting filled up...and i'm loving it! 

i renegged on most of my obligations for this winter due to weather and just the  i-dont-wannas and i feel pretty okay about it! 

i realized i put those activities in place in case i needed it to distract myself from the nothingness. and it felt so good to cancel on them! 

so that's what insurance is... in case you need it.

this re-framing stuff really works when your brain cooperates. 

full disclosure - my lexapro dose is now 20 mg....which is either the standard or the highest... that happened about 2 weeks ago... 

but yeah, i've been able to distance myself from these damning actions and thoughts.. you know how when you eat a cookie while you're dieting...it feels like YOUR WHOLE LIFE IS RUINED. or even the thought of wanting a cookie... make you feel doomed...

but hey, guess what, according to my counselor... you reframe and redirect as many times as it takes..

and if you need to cry...cry... 

so yeah...little stumbles don't jettison all my good progress or have me contemplating ending my life... so yay!

anyway enough of recalling history..

it's sunny and bright...and i was really wanting to go get some cinnamon rolls at this local bakery...because a friend suggested it (and i'm trying to reconnect with said friend)...but i removed the pressure and am staying in yet again...and making cornbread...and going to make some hot chocolate later!

so here are all the exciting things coming up for me...

in a week... i go to kenya!! wooot!!

then after kenya, i am planning to resign...

then 2 weeks after that...i'm having my retirement party ...wooo!!

then at the end of april... i'm going on a cruise...to alaska! (cuz that's what retired people do!!)...

and then i'm working a summer camp in california starting in mid june...

and then with that salary i'm hoping to help subsidize my fancy national park trip in september...

and then well...fall is my favorite time of the year... so happiness ensues!!

good decisions recently

- that impromptu trip to dominican republic in the midst of my deteriorating close friendship... boy was that the right call! (how do i know? i'm alive to talk about it!!)

- i'm happy that 6 months later... i still want to go to kenya... cuz you know your girl loves to cancel a plan...

i'm doing a load of laundry from my last trip so i can have my traveling clothes ready for my trip in a week!

yay... anyway... 

just wanted to share my cool wins.

oh the alaska trip is funny because... if all goes to plan with points and shenanigans..i should get what was a $1500 trip to under $200... yay!

i did it y'all, i'm free!!!

 i reached the BIG FI number in the sky!!! i'm in the 2 comma club officially without my car (and obviously not counting liabilities). 

it doesn't feel the way you think...especially if you've been checking it like a fiend since the last milestone. I thought i'd have to wait until bonus day... but it's here..

in my 40s!!!

she did it!

she did it!

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

weee weee weeee!

i'm all alone...yet again!!!

i want to tell adam but he doesn't want to be friends anymore...

as my therapist said to all my haters - they don't deserve to know how well i'm doing!

i love this for me!!!

celebrate good time, come on!

and just yesterday (well last week... i was crying ...over a boy!!)...

now i'm about to get an offer for my minimum wage summer job... go have an adventure with some grubby kids and annoying 20-somethings... but mostly i want to explore (and silently: get my weight under control...or at least my eating habits..so i can enjoy the next 20 years)...

to my future and past self---and current self--it feels great to be a millionnaire. 

it doesn't make a lick of difference that there's "no one" here to enjoy it with. i'm enough.

and i'm so happy i wasn't waiting for this moment to make any huge life changes...

thank you, strangers on the internets who posted the financial journey...you have SAVED MY LIFE.

i am financially stable and secure and confident.

it's the emotional and physical i have time and resources to make room for and focus.

i will try to walk outside tomorrow...maybe...

that trip to the dominican republic and other life updates

 so i was having a few blue days in a row...and by the 3rd day of crying and cold gloomy weather outside... i bought a trip to the dominican republic! 

this moment brought to you by FIRE!

one of my close relationships is ending and it made me very sad

going to the dominican republic put some distance between me and that sadness

it worked because i did not cry on the trip (except for during therapy) and got some nice sunlight and invisible-people time... i got to be lost in the vastness of others...

got meals and cleaning taken care of...yay.

it worked!

when i told my aunt about it...she seemed surprise...joking...like what could possibly be bringing you down (ie, since you're not working)...

so it got me thinking...

FIRE solves for financial instability or financial insecurity

i still struggle with emotional and physical challenges...

so yeah, emotional stability may be a lifelong struggle...and that's okay... financial stability helps ease the suffering...

seeing someone else post about adding some suffering to life made me rail against it..until i realized it's a part of life...and unfortunately something most of us have been programmed to accept to the point that we often times add it to our lives - consciously or unconsciously...

so yeah... that controlled burn/suffering i have decided is a part of my life...for now..

anyway... i'm now tasked with planning my retirement party...so my brain is a tizzy..in a good way... i have notes everywhere so i need to get it all in one place...

also...yay, early retirement!

even retiring in the winter has been fun..just the right dose of suffering...in the form of gloomy weather... i felt very accomplished driving from the aiport after some snowfall..

and got some snacks..

life is good again.

it's cold but the sun is shining!

i think i just got played

 am i being gaslit?

my neighbor has been acting super suss since thanksgiving and now i'm affirmed that i'm not crazy. i want my key back.

grrr. it's a little sad because i had a great friend for a year, and now...look at us.

should i move?

that would be interesting.

i can move to the balcony apartment. but why am i giving up cushy price for some dude. he can move.

it's so funny because he was the one that pursued me and would always joke that wherever i went he would follow.

but then something changed.

is it because i reached FI? is it some latent jealousy?

and then some old white guy was saying i "collect countries" because he pretends he knows so much about a country because they research and acts like an expert... you're still staying in a hotel and doing touristy things. 

people are annoying. 

i had the best year

and now it's over just like that...

mental flu

 that's what i'm calling it...

i'm on a slow train to despair

i think i'm having a depressive episode

particulary precipitated by contacting an old love interest

he responded

but not with undying love

it turns out that's what i wanted

i decided to give it 2 weeks...like the book says...then 2 years...

who am i kidding...i've given it 2 weeks before...

oh well...

i decided to just call it mental flu to reframe it...yes when i have the flu...i feel like dying too..

i'm dying internally of embarassment??

i don't know why i feel like dying...but i do..

perfectionism? this isn't the outcome i hoped to achieve

loss of control?

i'm at a loss

doesn't help that i'm in this gray space with neighbor...sometimes i feel okay in solitude...and just decide for myself that we're just friends....and other times i get confused...

i don't know what i want...truly

but i do...i want to be free from obligation and needing other people to feel secure..

i have reached my financial goals...

now is the internal work part i guess...life is endless...

i'm giving myself 10 days to recover from this mental flu and then reassess...

cancelled my hotel booking to see tiffany haddish...

oh and um... i saw mariah carey!!! i let this boy-fiasco totally overshadow that!

sunny and free

 admittedly when i have a day like saturday where i just slept all day, i can't help but wonder if i'm just one step away from falling into the pit of despair. then i overcompensate with a surge of energy to plan out my life.

today i woke up happy; it's in the 70s in early february. it's sunny and breezy and the sounds of downtown noises are welcome. 

i'm just happy. 

so i wanted to note that.

i'm going to las vegas tomorrow to a concert and well...that's exciting.

my apartment is a mess and i'm still happy. 

my aunt i think is having some unresolved feelings about my financial success. and free time. she keeps going on about accessing her social security and what she's going to do after this job. she said i was obssessed with money. ha. who isn't?! i foresee me being the target of some backhanded money related jabs. i've seen it all my life with her more financially successful sibling. she is trying to commandeer my free time since i have so much of it.

you're not entitled to it anymore than you are to my money. i worked hard to earn that. so we shall see. made me go a little digging on the internet about jealousy from family and friends about your FIRE success. 

a lot of the mentality is not to talk about it. well that ship has sailed! but that sucks to have to live in hiding once again. i struggled to explain my job when i had a job. who knows what i'll say when i retire. ha. 

oh well. still not feeling down. just have to re-commit to my structured solitude and leave the door open for those who want to enter.

between therapy and reading people's online journals. no one has it all figured out. you have to re-frame and re-start as many times as it takes pretty much..forever. 

1 month done! also save the date: Apr 2

 is it a countdown to my life?

idk

so docking my laptop has definitely...or at least seemed to help with my constant checking of email

i still have my ipad that i'm on 24/7....but can't check email on that

but yes the siren call of checking my email in the morning still exists

when i'm in bad i have all these things i want to write down...but once i sit in front of the computer... meh

i think i will get an ipad pencil so i can take notes on my laptop for journaling

also want to download calm app

thinking of what structured solitude might look like

no's still sting

not as badly and not as damning...but still suck

decided to stop playing mental games with my employer...

depending on how you look at it...well i can reframe what will be about 5 months of paid leave/no workload...so it'll take that

vs trying to work some magic into a formal layoff

i got what i needed... i need to move on...

no more shenanigans

so i'm going to try to completely disconnect in february

what that looks like

- no checking email or workday

- no writing anymore letters (unsent, just mental and written drafts and chat gpt screenshots) asking for severance and layoff

i'm free

i'm really free

and again spending money seems to be no problem

leave my shenanigans to bank bonus and card churning...the true taker of time 

thinking i might see if i can pay for my bro and i to go to family reunion in africa

for me alone it's 7k

we shall see...

still enjoy looking at my net worth

thinking tomorrow might be time for an adventure

my adventure buddy is kind of out of commission for awhile...

so...time for a solo trip??

current plan for any work money received from now

- 6k to help family overseas

- 4k marketplace insurance

and that's all i remember...ha...it's in a notebook somewhere...

ok...off to do more relaxing....

thursday

 woke up around 9a

it's nice and drizzly outside

not too cold inside

had a thought of maybe going to family reunion for the first time this year. it'll be in my country of origin. would be nice for origin-mom to see all her kids in the same place for the first time in 30 years... i guess

i'm getting soft

would probably have to pay for brother to go...costly

more reason to try to extend STD to get extra funds

we'll see

first financial consulting guy flaked yesterday

i still get angst in bottom of throat with any kind of meeting... 

have interview for summer camp job today

angsty

i'm mostly prepared thanks to chatgpt...didn't practice nor anything...just trying not to think too hard...if it was something i could get in my 20s...surely getting it in my 40s should be easier...right? who knows!

not sure if it was just a paper app before though...now it's a video interview...

need to check how my video looks

it's so nice not having to worry about money...it just bears repeating over and over and over for the rest of my life...

but social anxiety still exists... i guess

i am succeeding at being gracious with myself on not going to too many activities... i do pause a lot more than i used to...which i'm keeping an eye on... 

this year is my discovery year.. we shall see

maybe i should go visit my friend for her birthday!

wouldn't that be fun...

life notes

 it's wed

it's a full week of no work

and i love it

i did wake up with some angst stuck in my throat

but it's because of a work with a colleague who wants to talk personal finance

i've been posting on our group's slack channel and i guess it caught their attention

tomorrow i have an interview for a summer camp job; i think it'll be an okay amount of suffering for the year; if i don't get it, it won't be the worst thing in the world; because after almost a month, i've been managing my free time pretty well

i still enjoy cancelling plans

and i still struggle with "should i be doing [x]"

where x is anything from eating veggies to talking to a friend or anything really...

but i'm hopeful it will remain manageable

i've been watching old seasons of survivor and that takes up some good bits of time

if i can stay in bed until 11a the day goes by much faster

i have accepted i will likely never return to my slim frame because of the lexapro...and i'm surprisingly okay with it; the alternative is dieting which is not sustainable for me

my small circle of regular contacts is my old college roommate and my 60 year old aunt; my neighbor...less so than last year; but i like him a lot so i want to keep him; but he's a grumpy old man the last 3 months...so not sure on that 

finances are stellar and stable

i just applied for another travel card on a whim; the bonus seems easy to meet and if i do..it'll give me a 1k head start to my fancy $6k trip to Yellowstone

i'm working on figurinng out what i enjoy and trying to base my decisions and actions and spending on that

i already find myself feeling more generous as hey, there's this pot of money i need to spend

so undoubtedly that transition has been easy! 

it helps when i make it a spending target where the goal is no longer to spend the least amount of money... i'm even socializing the idea with myself of upping my travel/lifestyle bucket this year

in other news...i'm also considering a cruise..

i think i'm pretty decided that i'm going to take the earlier of the retirement date rather than extend my short term disability...it's still a tether...i'd be losing or leaving about $21k on the table... so we'll see. but for now that's the decision...and the ruminating has been paused

i'm excited about doing my taxes. the software give you an audit risk score so that makes me feel better...it was exactly the kind of data i was looking for this year... so i love when that happens!

as for february... i have 2 solo trips on the books; and there are 2 group events structured.

i also have tutoring and a new activity i want to try

oh...news! i burned my hand in cooking class last week. oy! talk about needing health insurance. glad keeping that was never a question. 

okay...

going to work on some CEs now..

bye!

tues, jan 21

 i am up

i did a few things today that i'm happy about

i finally set up the heat schedule on the thermostat..yay...started thinking about it yesterday because i got so cold i finally turned it up from 55 to 68...ahhh

i wasn't doing it for savings cost, at least not as the main goal. i jus like it a little colder when i slept and i like having the space heater on my feet

and turning 40...i don't tolerate heat that well...

but yesterday....it was just really cold

right now it's 7*F outside...so...

and then last night i started to pen what my schedule has been the last couple weeks...

i've enjoyed being in bed till around 11a...sometimes my eyes first open around 7a and i can see the sunrise..sometimes around 9a...and i let my thoughts come and go...and then by 11a... i start to hungry...i look for food

sit around until around 9p when i start to get sleepy...

so the heating schedule follows that with bedtime being colder at 55* and awake time being a bit more temperate in the 60s...

what an accomplishment!

i've been toggling between old seasons of survivor and various FIRE online posts...the journals are still awesome...there are some from a decade ago... it's cool to watch people's career progression and interests change...

helps fortify my confidence that my 80% steady state for my daily activities and tasks is sustainable and there's less of a chance i'll spiral into the pit of despair...at least not for any reasonable length of time...

just because i don't feel like cooking or cleaning or brushing my teeth in this moment or for the last few days...doesn't mean i'll NEVER feel like doing those things...

yeah, it would be better to have these things on a schedule and automate them like clockwork...but oh well....

my kitchen is a mess and i need to sweep the floor and run the dishwasher...and i haven't brushed my teeth in at least 5 days...

but it's also been really great to just veg out on my different surfaces - bed, couch, floor, recliner...and eat snacks...

some of that like many things have a feedback loop... ahhh MALK (almond milk) and lucky charms...give me bad gas and a hurty stomach...not as indulgent as i thought...

manoges...good...eat more of those... 

eating before 11a ---drowsy... 

finances have not been much of an issue because i'm not tempted to go anywhere or do anything...that will likely change as the weather warms up...

kinda unofficially taking january off as a snow day has been a little experiment... but mostly i'm okay with it... it's so nice to be in my warm house and snuggled up lazing around... i am wanting to document this to see when this changes...

there is still a rebellious part of me...that feels like i'm breaking the rule somehow...some version of defiant sunday sleep..where you stay up so monday doesn't come faster...

oh well...

what's on my mind...

probably find other ways to get more convenient foods...i'm trying annie's dal soup...it seemed thick...but heating it up...it's a bit watery... there's a thicker consistency i'm hoping to have for rice...and it falls in line with the rice and beans diet... i actually love beans and rice...just only know how to cook one kind...

i think my rollover check was on the way. in the idealized version of me, i told myself i'd take it to the post office and send it priority mail...but i'll probably send it through a regular envelope and hope it gets there...it's under 2k..so not nothing...and likely they can recut the check if it gets lost...we shall see...

other things...

- still toying around with asking for a layoff when i get back to work in march

- mildly concerned that our employee workday doesn't show my leave yet...curious if i get a call or something...

- and estimating my taxes....looks like it's going to be interesting.... 

that's all

going to cancel a ticket for an event tomorrow....

seasons

 i'm on my second journal in ERE forum.

and yep, humans be struggling.

i see a theme that is observed in reality as well. there are just things people struggle to do. probably cuz it's just not that fun. and the alternative is easier.

just because we happened to figure out money, doesn't mean the other things come any easier. so in that regard, you'd think we had more empathy for people who haven't figured out money.

i notice the themes that i also struggle with

- daily habits (chores around the house, hygiene, etc..)

- better eating habits

- better sleeping habits

- socializing

and to some extent- mood management.

it's nice to not feel so alone and not feel like everyone has it figured out. 

so this gives me more data to lean into my seasonal way of thinking..like having a fall sport, or doing some activity for x amount of time... or having seasonal moods...like right now...i'm leaning into my snow-day season...where i veg out and stay home with less guilt...

no feeling like...i *should* be outside - walking or socializing.

i'm trying to be better about not placing these limitations on myself. 

but the risk for me is mental distress. but i guess this year i will be exploring those limits.

today is already off to a great start... i fried some plantain..and it boosted my mood. it's so yummy. and i had a great bowel movement...y'all don't know how freeing that can feel for me!

so i'm on cloud 9 for the moment.

so yeah, it's 20 days into january and i think snow day season is on its way.

there have been some mildly interesting events floating through my inbox as of late.. that was an easy yes my first 1st year in Newtown...but now that i've backed off the say-yes theme...they seem more like a meh. 

so i don't know.

but i do know i won't spend too much time thinking about it. 

can i just say i'm loovvvvving pre-early retirement... it's awesome!

i hope this feeling never goes away.

gossip

 one of my committee members loves to talk about work..it's gotten where i just kind of tune it out... i don't even think they notice...which works for me...cuz they will go on and on...when i look back...they have always been this way and since i'm not...it's hard to understand why they care so much...but maybe it's one of those people who are really tied to their work and their work is tied to their identity...

and especially now since i've abdicated the work-throne.... i hardly want to hear about it... but i don't think the complaining is because they want to leave... i think it's just conversation...

when i look back.... from my memory i talk about work most when it's frustrating or bothersome or when i feel i've been treated unfairly... to vent...

but golly gee... this person goes on and on... and get's really excitable about it... yes, your co-worker totally should've filled the copier with paper... 

and parents these days and their soft parenting... grrr... i can't relate... and luckily i can dis associate... like... none of my business.. this is likely to have almost no bearing on the outcome of my life... 

i used to be so overly invested in the outcome of some of these relationships... now i have just turned inward...and am very invested in the outcome of my relationship with myself...

that self of mine...dang she's amazing!

Things that make me happy... enjoy?

 value based investing...

goal oriented...

these are things that have helped anchor a lot of my decision making as of late...

without prescribed goals in early retirement... i made a quick list of things that make me happy... maybe enjoy? or value? whatever the word is... might be useful to benchmarks decisions against...

1. Learning new things

2. New adventures/ trying new things

3. Free time with no constraints/ obligations

4. Hearing people's story of triumph

5. Passing on knowledge that makes someone's life better - big or small

Just doing a quick inventory of things i find myself drawn to... this seems to encapsulate it for now...maybe that's why i keep going back ot literacy...whether traditional literacy or financial literacy... i attribute so much of my success to that... 

Notice how misaligned work is to that... at least any job i've ever had...i could totally relate to that ERE journal where he was like not a fan of volunteer work at the food pantry...it's probably one of the lowest barriers of entry for volunteering...but it was so unpleasant...i got almost nothing out of it... he verbalized it well...they don't use the volunteers time well...

saturday reflections

 i finished reading one of the journals on ERE forum and it could not have come at a better time!

it was incredibly helpful to have a peek into someone's experience after FIRE.

i learned he struggled with the same things i am internally concerned about...

namely, trying to figure out a structure / patter to life...and stick with it...

but over his first 3 years... no matter how he tried...things ebbed and flowed/ they were seasonally...

i attribute some of my panic on monday to that... i wanted to have a concrete plan.. a structure to how my retirement would go or else... risk failure i guess... but when i think of what failure looks like... i don't have a good idea... maybe falling back into the pit of despair because of the nothingness... i'm not sure... therapy helps in this regard to try to spit out what exactly your brain is accusing you of...

but yeah... it was helpful to read about his daily struggles with everyday things...like budgeting - forcing himself to spend discretionary income...then realizing that didn't work... cycle of intense exercise; trying new hobbies; cadence with family time; figuring out healthcare; taking care of health items; casually browsing jobs...just all the thinking that goes with building out a life when there's not one pressing 8 hours dictating the rest of the time..; i like how seasonal things were...it was like just when you think he's figured it out... interest just wanes or you realize it's not worth the effort or you recognize your own personal limitations...

i took a lot out of it...it was nice not to get the finished polished product... this is the information i was looking for..

it helped me realize my life will be cyclical and seasonal; maybe i'll pick up a part time job... maybe i won't... maybe i'll spend a bunch of time and money on a hobby only to neglect it after awhile...maybe i'll have friendships that come and go...it was just nice to see... oh so nice... and being medicated... i have space to practice some of my therapy... the thing my therapist is always harping...is... you get to choose...

so yeah so maybe monday i felt like doing absolutely nothing at all... i didn't "fail retirement" because of that... who even knows what that means... but boy was i scared of some sort of unnamed bad outcome... 

i'm so happy for the strangers that post their life journeys on the internet...the lurkers like me benefit soooo sooo much! 

so yeah taking stock of my life... i'm mostly happy i stuck it out and didn't un-alive myself. i don't know if the journey was necessarily worth it...but i'm glad i get to experience some of the good stuff now... some of the soft life ...it's nice friends.

it was just really refreshing to see someone not have it all figured out....and walk away into the bliss of more "family time" or lifetime travel...

neither of those are me...i'm just trying to figure out what i enjoy...

i do know i enjoy copious amounts of free time

i love a snow day

i love staying in and doing cozy things...

i love having ENOUGH money... yes, this moment in life brough to you by the absence of abject poverty and the the absence of the fear of abject poverty..

one of the things i know i'll have to figure out...is where vacations fit in when i'm not trying to run away or escape life or work...

i like being pampered and taken care of... so there's that aspect for sure.. 

so yeah...i feel a bit renewed in my journey to early retirement...

i'm looking forward to figuring out the health care marketplace...

i'm embracing not having it all figured it out...

if this random stranger on the internet can struggle and still keep going...i can to... i think what's important to realize is the strong foundation i have to catch myself..

i know i have the guardrails and tools and resources and life-history to catch myself ... it's unlikely i will fall into despair or poverty or obesity or lose all my teeth or live in a hovel... no matter what my brain tells me... 

so yeah i feel the tides turning on my outlook and it's only been a week..

last night i went to a campfire alone just because i wanted smores... 

i did a grown up thing

 i have been reading an ERE journal that has held my attention. mostly for the detail on life and spending.

i find having cleared my FI goal (more or less), i'm not as compelled by money stories (don't get me wrong, i very much still am just to a lesser degree) as the story after. those are harder to find.

anyway, inspired by all his action on navigating the healthcare system and this weird pain i feel in my breast, i decided to schedule my mammogram.

it was surprisingly easy! 

and i made 3 phone calls! only 1 was fruitful, but i still did the thing.

i scheduled a mammogram. if my films don't make it...oh well!

i decided that worrying about the future was not helpful. i want to listen to my body and do the established routine and preventive care.

i don't know why monday just felt like a lot of pressure to do all the things. but once monday was over, surprisingly the pressure has alleviated.

i still have recurring thoughts of trying to negotiate a layoff given my boss's redundancy. so i keep replaying those conversations...they go like..

instead of extending my STD for another 13 weeks (only to be terminated), would you consider laying me off instead with 13 weeks severance, effective apr 2. given the relocation strategy and ongoing restructuring as well elimination of remote roles in our team. 

other thoughts - i could mention for personal family reasons. 

i don't know why i'm giving it so much thought. i will know more come march. 

grr i hate waiting for things to start.

oh well.

i need to wash my body and brush my teeth today...

not feeling it

 i don't know what's going on

today was an off day

i had oatmeal and a bagel

i really wanted....literally anything else...

but i just want to sleep...

i didn't get out of bed until around 1p

angsty

 the day is filled with angst and i don't know why

tomorrow we get our tax forms

is it the angst of doing my taxes

still feeling some sunday dread and i don't know why

angst about what exactly i am going to do all day

found myself wishing i didn't have to do the voluntary things i signed up for...news flash...i don't

was glad about it

still coveting my free time even though i have 20 to 30 years left

there will be some adjustment this year...

fortunately going back to work isn't the answer

glad i have things to look forward to the next 3 months...yay...

not sure what to do with the angst yet...

jan 12

 my birthday is less than 2 months away. 

i went to sleep last night with a lump in my throat and i woke up this morning with it. 

i'm anxious about something but i'm not quite sure what.

one of my last conversations was about a trip over seas. it wasn't really part of my travel plans or budget for this year, but then I thought why not. it's about 6k more than i thought i'd want to spend this year. so i flashed through some thoughts of increasing my yearly spend from 40k to around 50k...yowzers...

but then i thought...do i really want to go? honestly, not really.

would it make a few members of my family happy - WITHOUT A DOUBT.

spending money to make other people happy...is a new concept to me.

so that's where most of the angst lies.

i haven't really hung out much with my neighbor since thanksgiving.

and i'm surprisingly okay...now.

it was rough at first...but i've gotten into the groove of things.

anxious feelings led me to try to file my taxes with the information i have which is nothing...womp, womp.

overall, still happy. really want some chocolate cookies or rice krispie treats with chocolate chips.

not sure what i'm eating this week.

it's weird to not have to worry about waking up tomorrow.

i thought i needed to fill the time...but now i'm wondering if want to volunteer and play bells...etc...

i feel that pull on my time, and i'm starting to resent it...

well as i have to keep reminding myself....this is the transition year...mistakes will be made....

i want some blueberry waffles

 i'm scared, i'm fearful, i'm excited.

i still love my life right now. 

i might get some chipotle later. 

i made a pork and rice dish but i ate it twice yesterday and now i'm craving some guacomole.

i get to be happy, y'all.

i'm smart and pretty and rich. 

i am those things.

i am also fearful.

unstructured free time has been my nemesis in my recent past.

but before that, i'm pretty sure i loved it.

or maybe the idea of it.

as a kid, it was to be feared and coveted before it was taken away from you.

i find myself often paralyzed with what to do to make the most of it.

lay around and smiling

binge-watching

getting stuff done around the house

attending to chores or tasks

tackling made-up to-do lists

going adventuring

staying put

i have no reliable blue print on what to do with my future time

i applied for a summer job at a camp

i have already romanticized it in this way - it'll be a good mix and break up of my unstructured free time. if i retire in april, i will have about 3 months before it starts, and then 3 months after it...

but then does that put the time constraints on my free time...something i think i want to escape...

this is undoubtedly a good problem to have

but certainly tricky to navigate

what do i with my time with no parent or teacher or employer keeping score; no high marks; no demerits; no congratulations; no time cards; no performance reviews...

how will i know if i'm doing it right?!!

how do you unlearn 40 years of structure and performance metrics?!

maybe you don't?

maybe i don't need to

how do i feel free

i can tell you even with 2 light days at work, the soft lump in my throat remains

my sunday...was a smattering of light gray and i eventually pinned it to returning to work...

which leads me ... lost my train of thought...

oh... this leads me to believe that retiring earlier is better than trying to extend STD leave, even though it's 'money left on the table'...it's also sanity attached to that....and i choose me...

i did that yesterday when i stopped grumbling about it being too cold to get fast food and made myself a pork and rice bowl...that required quite a bit of chopping...

i kind of want to make some meatloaf...that might be next...the weather certainly calls for it..

perhaps this heightened anxiety is related to work...

perhaps i'll have these anxiety nets in place...ie, the summer job, or the Montana trip...

i'm reminded that when i had the call center job i booked a trip to phoenix as an escape to look forward to...but once i no longer that the job, i did not feel a need to escape...

so we shall see...how i feel when i'm finally free from full time work...will the camp job still make sense...will a $6k trip to Montana still make sense...

so for now, i'm refraining from making big or costly plans until after i know how it feels to be free...

again, this was therapeutic because i have the clarity i need...it's imperative i leave my current widget job...sooner rather than later...while free disability payments will be fun...i'm nearing the place in my own life where my decisions don't have to be financially motivated anymore...

which one makes me happier??

i need to find a better word for happy...but maybe that'll be my theme for this year...#softgirl life

and it's entirely possible that i may need some summer camp jobs for the first few years...to transition out of full time work to full time retirement...i'll move with the algorithm...

free housing hasn't stopped being appealing...

2024 State of the Union

Financial Summary

Gross salary:  ~230k

Net pay: ~105k

401k contributions: 38.5k

Overall spend: $80k

Notes:

Obviously, this is the most I've ever grossed in my life in a year. This was attributed to having 2 jobs for half the year. It's also the first year I got a bonus payout and an LTI. In most of my 'i want to quit my job' musings, my target goal was consistently to get to the next bonus payout and then try to hold on until my LTI. 

It's still wild that my net pay is still about half of my gross pay even if I include 401k contributions. Geez!

It's amazing to make so much money. Eventhough, mathematically, it's enough. Emotionally, it still doesn't feel like enough to upgrade my lifestyle in a meaningful way. But it is enough/more than enough to buy financial independence and financial stability, financial security, and freedom. Now I don't have to wonder what I'll do with a million dollars, I get to live it! 

It's weird. Surprisingly weird. 

I'm taking 2025 to savor it. Figure out my routine - financially and otherwise. Sit with it before I make any big plans. I hope this high lasts all of eternity!

Mental Health Summary

I am so glad I was able to transfer my data from the Daylio mood app to my new device. It was cool to look at the data from 2022 when I started tracking to now.

I was pretty inconsistent with tracking activities unless something was particularly bothersome.

What was coolest to have data on was my moods. 

In 2022 after I started to make plan to end my life, my average mood was around 3.0. I had 0 Rad days and the issue I was tracking most was "I did not cry today." I only tracked starting in July, so for the second half of the year, I inputted 65 green days, 67 blue days, 27 orange, and 17 red days (at the time it was crying/suicidal ideation). 

Comparatively, in 2024, I have been on Lexapro for over a year. Halfway through the year, I upped my dose from 10 mg to 15mg because I felt myself wanting to cry and work was making me super anxious. I had one fleeting thought of wanting to find myself ripping the hole in my window screen to make it bigger so I could find myself tumbling out. 

For 2024, my numbers were 95/100 for mood stability (higher is better). I had 82 days in a row of good days. I registered 7 Rad days, 335 good/green days, 25 blue days, 5 orange days, and 13 red days (mostly crying/teary. My top activities were walking/exercise and sleeping through the night. My respiratory tracking also decreased compared to 2023 (when I was having lots of respiratory problems in my new town). My average daily mood was 3.9. It only shows a 30% change in average mood numerically, but it is a world of difference. The better number to track is the number of Good Days! That pretty much tripled. 

Overall, my challenges that my brain focuses are much more manageable. The things plaquing me right now include:

- Yellowstone is turning out to be pricier than I expected. Is it worth it? 

- is this lawyer scamming me?

I feel mostly good about my life. I get so excited thinking about my fat nest egg. I still get to be happy.

I fill my calendar with social events. I have a good friend. I'm still trying to figure out the role of credit cards in my life. Do I want to try Prozac?

A friend asked me - what if you outlive your brother? In all my estate planning, there was no scenario where I would live long at all.